F Valentine's Day

Trick or treat.

In grade school, I knew these two

kids in my apartment building who were born October 31.

For years, they mistakenly believed

that dressing in costumes and going

door-to-door begging for candy is what every child

did on their birthday.

Billy?

It's your birthday today, too?

Huh?

No, it's April 6.

Then what are you doing stealing our candy?

This is our special day.

Then you got people born in late December

always griping on how their fam fold

their birthdays into Christmas.

Is this a birthday or Christmas present?

It's both.

You're so lucky.

You're just like the baby Jesus.

Pray me.

But let me tell you, for Valentine

brats, those of US born February 14th, it's the absolute worst.

Birthday parties are always themed.

The cups, tablecloth, the cake.

Happy birthday.

Oh, I so, so love it.

Better like hearts, because every gift you get

for the rest of your life will have a massive, ugly red one

stuck on it.

If you're a boy, you still have to buy your sweetheart a gift.

If you're a girl, guys will never buy you two gifts.

It's like, kill two love birds with one stone.

I so, so love it.

When you get older, nobody wants to celebrate with you.

They're with their significant others,

And don't even bother making up excuses to blow you off.

Sorry, we're all booked up tonight.

Restaurants are the worst.

Jacking up prices for the exclusive sweethearts menu.

And the best establishments always way overbooked.

Psst. You two.

You talking to us?

Mm-hm.

My-- my boyfriend broke up with me tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's OK.

You know, we weren't right for each other,

like you two obviously are.

That's so sweet of you to say.

So I was thinking, why don't you guys go ahead and take

our dinner reservation.

Wow.

Really?

You'd do that for us?

You have to be the nicest person ever.

Aw, I'm just trying to pay it forward.

So what time were you guys thinking about eating?

8:30, I guess.

OK.

Say 50 bucks?

You know, for the broken hearted.

Um, yeah, of course.

Enjoy your evening.

Oh.

Aw, I so, so love it.

I'm OK and I plan on staying this way.

I'm all right.

Yeah, I'm sleeping real good at night.

No matter what--

I know what you're thinking.

This chick is a little sleazy, scalping

restaurant reservations.

Yeah, maybe.

But I'm doing this for what I think is a very noble reason.

This holiday blows major chunks.

I'm not trying to end relationships here,

though, statistically, tonight has the most breakups

for the entire calendar year.

I'm just trying to make my special day a little less

special for everybody else.

Fuck Valentine's Day.

Tom and Harriet Banks

are the lucky winners of this past weekend's

super lottery dr--

US family allowed me

to bundle for home, auto, and life, saving up to 23%.

But more importantly, it helps my loved

ones feel fully protected.

US Family Insurance.

That's so beautiful.

Hey, Mom.

Happy birthday, my treasured Valentine.

How was your day?

Tell me everything.

Did you dance all day and night?

Did you howl at the moon?

Tell me you did something very fun and romantic.

I told you at Christmas, we broke up.

I know.

I know, but you that was then, this is now.

Did you get my gift?

Yeah, yeah, I got them right here.

Thanks for the diabetes.

- Honey, OK. - No, it was that--

I know. I'm sorry.

You know that I hate celebrating.

I know you hate celebrating this day.

Well, let's reframe.

It's the very best day of the year,

because this is the day that love is in full bloom.

And this is the day that your father turned to me with tears

in his eyes, and he said, this is by far the greatest,

most perfect valentine that I--

- Could ever wish for. - Could ever wish for.

And so it is.

Did you get the card?

Because you know, that's certainly

the best part of the gift.

OK.

Don't freak out.

Dum, dum, dum, dum.

I know.

I know you're going to think that I went over the top

on this one, but I really--

I miss you.

I miss you, my baby.

Mom, I would love to see you.

I really would, but I just, I can't right now.

Are you kidding?

Are you-- did you see what it is?

It's a luxury resort.

It's right near me.

It's fun, sun, mimosas, bodies.

I mean, what more do you want?

I'm not really into the whole pampering and massages.

Listen, it doesn't expire for a whole year,

so just bring a friend or bring a lover.

I'm not even dating anybody.

Remember what dad said?

There's magic in the week.

$50 won't even get me an Uber to the airport.

Huh?

What?

Listen.

Stay open to your soul and your soul mate.

I don't believe in soul mates.

I gotta go.

My pizza's here. OK.

Love you.

I love you, too. OK.

Bye. - Happy birthday.

Happy birthday, my favorite, my favorite valentine.

Hi, a large pepperoni with ricotta.

Mm-hm.

Thank you.

Oh, wait, no, no, no, come here, come here.

Last time you left and I opened the box,

and it was filled with pineapple and anchovies.

No way that was a Giovinazzo's.

All right?

I would never allow a monstrosity

like that in my restaurant bearing my name.

Oh, an owner who delivers?

An actual commitment to excellence.

Yeah, me and my twin, Mickey, own it.

We-- we gave the delivery boys the night off so they could

be with their sweethearts.

What's wrong?

Did Mickey sub ricotta with mascarpone again?

Why is my pizza carved into the shape of a heart?

What do you mean?

It's Valentine's Day.

So I get a quarter of my dinner

sliced away because today is February 14?

Sheesh, you're not a romantic, I'm guessing.

No, no, I love romance.

I just have a long standing hatred

for this specific holiday.

Oh, OK.

You see, it all starts off in grade school when you have

to make these glitter-covered shoeboxes for exchanging

stickers of cartoon animals proclaiming

their love and devotion.

"You're foxy."

"Some bunny loves you."

"You're a whole llama fun."

Llama fun?

Received too few, and you're marked a loser.

Too many, and your second grade slut.

And what is with the chocolate samplers?

It is like the candy industry picks today

to unload all of those disgusting chocolate truffles

with the cherry slime inside.

Like, what even is that gunk?

I think it's an enzyme.

Mid-November has the biggest baby boom because nine months

earlier was Valentine's Day.

But do you know why hardly anyone ever is born today?

Because 9 months earlier was Mother's Day.