If I Had a Million

I'm afraid we can't do anything today. We're all upset. Mr Glidden, you know?

- Yeah, what's the latest report on him? - He may die any moment.

I understand he's leaving his business to his employees.

Where did you hear that? Who told you? Did you get it straight?

Listen, uh...

It would be impossible for us to make a decision in this.

Mr Glidden always takes care of these things.

Oh, I see. You really think he'll do something for you?

Huh? Oh, no.

I wouldn't dare drop any kind of a hint or the old boy would cut me off.

No, I think dignified silence is best.

Just pretend I'm worried about him, not thinking about the money.

Doctor, is Mr Glidden any better?

Well, his temperature's all right, but his temper's terrible. I think...

- What? Again? - Again.

- We drew his last will just two hours ago. - What a man.

I don't wish him hard luck, but if he is dying...

You wish he'd die and be done with it?

Well, he's waiting for you.

You...

Don't talk to me about my employees.

Dummies.

Idiots. Fools.

Not a business head in the lot of them.

Bankrupt the whole business in a year.

Stupid cowards. No brains, no nerves. Just a lot of sheep who do what I tell 'em.

When I'm not here to tell them,

they'll make a meal for the first wolf that finds them.

- He's been going on like that for hours. - Out of his head?

Who's out of whose head?!

Who said that I... Where's my glasses?

Hey, you couldn't find a dumbbell...

- Now, Mr Glidden. - "Now, Mr Glidden."

Shut up! I wish I was out of my head! Then I wouldn't have the sense to worry.

No, Mr Glidden. There's nothing to worry about. After all, things are...

Nothing to worry about?

I'm dying and I don't know of one man in all the thousands that I employ

that's fit to leave in charge of a peanut stand.

I wouldn't say that. Your last will...

- My last will's no good! - Mr Gli...

- You can't... - I forbid you.

Oh, shut up, all of you! Get away from me!

What do you know about a will anyhow? You're only a lawyer.

Now, Mr Glidden, you shouldn't exert yourself this way.

"Now, Mr Glidden." I'm up, aren't I?

I walk. Every time you leave the room, I walk.

I walked over there just a little bit ago.

Nobody's gonna tell John Glidden what to do.

What if it does kill me? I'm gonna die anyhow.

Today, tomorrow, what's the difference?

Now, just a moment and I'll fix you up a...

Yes, I know what you'll fix me.

Ten drops of the most marvellous sedative

ever discovered by the medical profession.

Ten drops. One of these days I'm gonna take 11 drops!

Or nine! And see what happens. I don't want to be fixed, anyhow.

What I want to know is who's going to take my place when I'm gone?

Well, if you're not satisfied with your business associates,

perhaps you'd like to make a more generous bequest to your relatives.

Relatives? Ha! Relatives!

Did you see 'em roosting down there like a lot of vultures

waiting for an old steer to die?

Relatives! It's the first time in my life I saw them all together.

Relatives! Ha!

- Mr Glidden, you can't go out in the hall. - I can't?

I've been out twice already this morning. Yes.

And if the sight of those greedy penny pinchers didn't kill me, well...

- Come on. - Mr Glidden.

- Shut up, you quack! - Well, I...

Look at 'em. My relatives.

Pick out just one for me.

Pick out just one man, woman or child that's fit to pick up where I leave off.

I'll be glad when you're dead, you rascal, you

I'll be glad when you're dead, you rascal

Johnny! Oh!

There. That kid's the only honest one of the lot.

Huh!

For two cents, I'd leave him my entire for...

No. I don't like the shape of his head.

Nah.

No matter how I distribute my money among them, they'll all be miserable.

Those that don't get anything will be crying the rest of their lives.

Those that get plenty will holler for more.

I wish I could collect all of my money together in one pile

and burn every dollar of it.

- Mr Glidden! - I do.

- Now, now. - I do!

You don't really mean that, Mr Glidden.

I do mean it, friend. Every word of it.

I spent my whole life building up a business,

amassing a fortune.

Now my life's coming to a close.

I want this business and this money that I leave behind to mean something.

I want to give somebody a chance for happiness. I don't care who.

I just want somebody to have something worthwhile

out of what I spent my life to accumulate.

That's my major dying desire.

And for the soul of me, I don't know how to gratify it.

No. No, Mr Phelps, we haven't placed an order yet.

Indeed, I'd be glad to see your firm is considered, just as soon as Mr Glidden...

- Mr Glidden what? - Why, uh, um... Mr Glidden, it was only...

Don't you lie to me. I know!

You were talking to that Phelps, that old tombstone peddler.

Well, don't you buy one of his tombstones to put over me.

If you do, I'll come back and haunt him! And you, too!

- Oh, if I could only get him to be quiet. - How long do you think he has?

Ha-ha! I've got it!

- I've got it! Get me the city directory. - Huh?

You heard! The city directory.

I'll show those vultures.

Now what's he up to?

Well?

Why don't you ask me what I'm going to do? You needn't bother.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to leave my money to strangers - people I've never heard of,

people that don't expect it. They may get some pleasure out of it.

- Open that book. - You can't do that, Mr Glidden.

- Why can't I? - Well, the relatives would break the will.

- Relatives? - They would.

- I agree. - That's right.

Oh, they would, would they? How long am I going to live?

Why, Mr Glidden, I can't tell you that exactly.

Well, I can tell you exactly!

I'm gonna live just long enough to go out and give my money away myself.

Yes, sir! To people I've never heard of.

Give me that doodah - that medicine dropper - and fill it.

At last, I've found a use for that thing.

Give me that book.

The first name that this drop falls on is gonna get one million dollars.

What's that name?

- "John D Rockefeller." - What?

Hold that book over here.

One.

Two. Nobody can tell John Glidden how he's gonna spend his money.

This is one of the nicest we have in the store. I'm sure you'll like it.

Oh, I'm sorry, but that isn't what I want at all.

Come, Pearl.

Good day.

One shopper held me up for two hours, without a bit of encouragement.

- Well, I had two dandy orders. - However, it's payday.

Oh, my!

- Cover that Lalique before you go. - Very well, sir.

- Uh, Mr Bullwinkle. - Hello, Peabody.

Mr Bullwinkle, sir, they took 11 dollars and 60 cents out of my pay this week.

Well, we can't let you break all the china you want without charging you.

- You should be more careful, Peabody. - Yes, I am careful. It isn't always my fault.

It's an awful job carrying china all the time, especially up and down the stairs.

I think I belong back in book-keeping, where I was.

You were delighted when we promoted you. The $5 raise, you forget that?

Yes, I know, but breaking china all the time, I'm really making less money.

- That's organisation, Peabody. - Couldn't I get back into the books?

Sorry, but we're full up. However, if you're completely unhappy...

No, no, Mr Bullwinkle, I wouldn't... I couldn't quit.

My wife would raise... I guess it'll be all right. I'll have to be a little more careful.

Fine. Remember, Peabody, there's many a slip between the cup and the counter.

Yes, sir.

Oh, my!

- Is that you, Henry, darling? - I think so.

Did you have a nice day? Did anything interesting happen?

You didn't break any more china, did you? That reminds me, this is payday.

So give me your cheque.

Henry, you've been feeding that rabbit again. Give me your cheque.

That's a darling. I think it's wonderful. I was telling Mrs Wilkins just this afternoon.

I think it's perfectly wonderful, the steady position with a steady income,

day after day, week after week, year in and year out, rain or shine.

It's perfectly marvellous.

You've no idea the security it gives a woman to know she has a husband

who's coming home to her every week with his...

Henry, you broke 11 dollars and 60 cents worth of china.

- Well, you see, dear... - I see a great deal more than you see.

Of course, you haven't got the worries that I have.

You don't sit here day after day, paying the iceman for milk, the milkman for ice.

Of course, if you want to go on breaking china, that's entirely your own affair.

Excuse me.

I think it's perfectly ridiculous the way Mrs Wilkins always boasts about her husband.

I say, "My husband's just as good, even if you don't think so."

You've no idea how I have to defend you to our friends.

I understand you cannot help breaking all that china,

but they think it's rather queer for a husband and father

to go on day after day, night after night, year in and year out...

Henry, is anything the matter?

Say what you like, but there is such a thing as pride in your own daughter.

She writes that she's happy, but I can read between the lines.

A woman understands things that a man never can.

Unless a girl is well-dressed,

she hasn't much chance of marrying anyone worthwhile.

I was the best-dressed girl when you married me.

Not that I'm complaining, but if you don't stop being careless and breaking china,

there won't be much chance for her to have the clothes every girl ought to.

Isn't that so, Henry? Henry, are you listening to me?

Henry. Henry!

Now, I know you're trying, but you're sure to drop this vase

which is worth six months of your pay, sweetheart.

Oh, my!

Now, Henry, I don't want to reproach you, but I want to make you feel like a dirty rat.

Polly wants a cracker and I want your cheque, darling. Give me your cheque.

Stop it! Stop it! Isn't it difficult enough as it is?

Don't you see I'm helping you, Henry?

I told you I'd do it.

I told you I'd...