Solar Opposites

‐ God dammit. They're not coming. Again.

Computer, turn off the mariachi simulación.

I should hope that you're all going out to get more Miller L‐l‐l‐lights

for Tuesday Taco Night Thing.

‐ Oh wait, that was tonight? Aw, I could've sworn that was on Monday.

‐ It's always on Tuesdays, and you've missed the last tres.

‐ We know you're just trying to trick us into hanging out with you.

‐ No! I'm trying to trick you into learning about ship repair.

before you stop with the taco thing?

‐ Oh, you're gonna come so hard you're gonna beg me to stop.

‐ Yeah, you wish.

His mom is rich, and his dad's trying to be a novelist,

so I bet they get in a big fight.

‐ There's gonna be a magician.

It'll be my first autograph in my awesome Magician Autograph Journal!

Maybe I'll tag along just so I can explain how he's doing his tricks.

‐ Please don't come. You know, I don't think you'd like it.

It has nothing to do with chores or yelling.

‐ Um, Korvo, you don't really do well in a social setting.

It's kinda like your thing.

‐ Hm, your reverse psychology has worked, Terry.

Nothing will stop me from joining you at this child's birthday party.

‐ Ahh! ‐ Yay, Korvo!

The only good ceremony involving children is the Jewish one

where they cut off the penis.

Am I right?

Slow down!

‐ Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic.

‐ Magic! Magic!

Fake thumb.

Foam ball in the armpit.

Mouth full of flags.

This is so stupid, anyone could do this.

I could do this.

I could do this.

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

Until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.

This is‐‐ this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid.

They're always talking about how they love their family,

but they're never making their family gigantic.

They're all normal sized.

If you like something, you should be trying to make it gigantic.

‐ All right, be sure to share.

Make sure the lower levels get Reese's and don't hog the Skittles.

Yumyulack, I'm heading out.

I like to get to school early

so I can watch the teachers drink in the parking lot.

‐ Oh hold on. I just want to put my latest victim,

I mean specimen, in there too.

‐ Wait, I know her.

Is that the lady who puts her dog's poop in the mailbox?

It's just the waitress from the Benihana over by the strip club.

‐ Why is she going in the wall? I thought she was a nice one.

If I was allergic, I could have died! Is that what you want?

‐ Of course not. I wish everything lived forever. You know that.

‐ ‐

Where the fuck am I?

‐ Welcome, citizen.

‐ Hey, hey,

get away from me‐‐ ‐ Ahh!

Wallet, gum, key metal‐‐

She's got Tums! Ow!

‐ We could do this the easy way

or the toothpick way.

Your choice. ‐ This isn't over.

Everyone runs out of fancy toothpicks at some point.

‐ Come with me if you want to live.

That's from Predator. ‐ It's from the Terminator.

‐ Oh, crap, really? 'Cause I've been saying that for weeks.

Are you sure? ‐ I've seen that movie a hundred times.

‐ We should go. Ugh, I'm such an idiot.

What's up, Korvo? Do you want to resume, um,

correcting any inaccuracies in the cross‐galactic navigation matrix?

Today we need to find out how I can be a magician.

‐ What? Get the fuck out of here. Wow.

‐ Exactly. Okay, I need to be the best magician I can as fast as possible.

‐ Is this some sort of emotional arc?

‐ A magician never reveals his motivations.

Let's get started.

‐ Calculating wonder.

Done. I'll teach in the form of Earth's greatest illusionists.

Houdini, Copperfield, and Mystery,

the pickup artist from The Game.

‐ I can escape anything and neg anyone.

You're not as hot as your friend.

The other two personalities ate him.

‐ Can I please just get a regular tutorial?

‐ Fine. Processing.

It seems like you should combine simple tricks

with what you're already great at.

‐ Cooking salmon? ‐ Ugh.

‐ Computer, lower impatience expression by 25 percent.

‐ Combine alien technology with sleight of hand,

a show like that would blow people's minds!

Especially if we served salmon at intermission.

‐ The Duke says you're late on our Skittle tax.

‐ Keep walking, don't get involved. ‐ What the hell is this place?

It's made up of a system of connected terrariums.

Those guys are enforcers.

They're part of a martial police formed by the ruler of the wall.

‐ I'm guessing that's The Duke?

‐ It's pretty complicated.

Oh, I forgot about that movie. Yeah. It's exactly the same.

Jesse, the girl alien, gives us candy and little gifts.

And then The Duke hoards and distributes that,

and that's just, you know, that's how he keeps control.

Yeah, you got it.

‐ Why is this rope so minty?

My pants are from a Polly Pocket.

‐ Go ahead, pick a card.

I will now turn these cards into 56 different extinct animals.

I believe this... is your card.

When did you become a magician?

‐ I've been secretly learning so you guys would love me!

‐ Well, it worked!

‐ We should go out for pizza and talk about how great you are.

You know, I thought I learned magic to get your attention,

but that's just not enough anymore.

You're all too provincial and lame for me now.

‐ You're intoxicated with fame off one performance?

‐ Yes.

Where's he getting this bullshit?

the greatest magician of all time,

and you will collectively be portrayed as the first wife

who didn't believe in me in my biopic.

I always stop the movie at that point,

so I assume it goes great for the protagonist

after he cuts ties with his friends and family.

Enjoy being left behind!

‐ This is just like the time when I married Ansel Elgort.

The little scamp. He's lucky he got away.

I loved him so much. Ugh, why can't I call him?

I got you a meeting with the biggest magician talent scout

in the world.

I really only needed one of each.

‐ How about your next trick is not complaining for once?

‐ This is the marketplace.

If there's something you need, you can barter for it here.

‐ Well, mostly whatever they had in their pockets when they got shrunk.

If you had cargo shorts on, you're basically rich.

You know, your hair is pretty valuable.

We could probably trade those bangs in for some Mikes,

maybe even an Ike if they're in season.

Enrique? Don't eat that.

‐ Sugar shakes?

‐ Yeah, we don't know the word for diabetes.

‐ It's diabetes.

‐ Oh yeah. S‐‐ I'm sorry. I'm losing my mind.

I haven't had a vegetable in months.

‐ Dad, come on, just a sip.

Did you find any insulin? Down at the drop zone?

‐ Look, we're gonna make it work. I promise.

Your dad is gonna be okay.

‐ Well, the only food they give us is candy.

Sometimes they'll drop in an apple or a cocktail onion,

but it's very rare.

‐ We have to figure out how to barter for insulin from The Duke.

He can get anything in here.

‐ Man, he is really going to town.

‐ Dad, stop! You're not even hungry!

I hate to burst your balloon.

End of trick.

Now, now clap.

‐ Pass. ‐ What? W‐why?

You got no personality, kid.

‐ I‐I‐I could try to build a device that steals other people's charisma

and then inject it into my body like chemotherapy.

‐ You're a sad blue creep with no hair.

It's not gonna happen.

‐ You're a sad blue creep!

‐ What are you, crying?

‐ I‐I'm not crying, you're crying!

Well, this is creepy.

‐ Yeah, this level is run by the Bowinian church.

It's the religion that worships Jesse,

She's the one with the bow‐‐

yeah, oh, hey now, that's why they call it the "Bowinian Church."

Okay, I just got that.

How long have you people been in here?

‐ Time moves differently in the wall. It changes a man.

‐ Wait, the aliens can control time?

‐ No, no. It's more like a metaphor.

Just, look, we eat a lot of candy,

and that makes everything weird.

Plus, there's no calendar or clocks.

Think of it like Vegas. Okay, could you just go with it?

‐ Okay, geez. It tracks.

‐ I'm afraid we have nothing to spare.

We only have enough for the flock.

‐ That's bullshit!

You're afraid The Duke will be pissed if he thinks you're competing with him!

We should just take it.