Solar Opposites

You are no longer Abraham Lincoln, US president.

You are now Abraham Lincoln, car fighter.

‐ Fuck yes. Okay, let's go.

Terry! ‐ Can't talk, working out.

‐ This is important. The‐the‐the Pupa turned orange.

‐ And? Hey, you broke my Hulu Vizu!

What does it mean? ‐ How the hell am I supposed to know?

it'll consume everything on this planet

and terraform it to become our new home world.

‐ Duh. ‐ Which means we'll get eaten

and terraformed with everything else, I think.

What if it turning orange is the first step to total annihilation?

‐ No, it's always hot. Luckily, I'm a genius

and suspected you were incapable of handling this

so I made a little card with important Pupa information on it.

I have it in my wallet. Just gotta find it.

Damn it, where did I put my‐‐

Wa‐wa‐wa‐was it at that Armenian deli?

Whoa, it was on Shlorp!

device to travel back in time, return to the home world,

and find my wallet.

and the Pupa's never killed everybody on Earth before, so...

‐ Oh, it's gonna blow! ‐ Ah!

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already over‐populated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.

This is, this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa.

Do you see me? This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid. Where the fuck are all the dinosaurs?

What did they do to all the dinosaurs?

‐ So, uh, where's the retruce‐von‐something geyser?

Does it look like a spaceship with a big clock on the back?

‐ The Retrace‐Your‐Stepalizer. It's high‐tech shoes

that allow the wearer to travel back in time

to places they've stood in the past.

These things cost $11 billion a shoe.

‐ Do they light up? ‐ Mine do.

‐ Oh, why do you get the cool ones? ‐ Because I'm in charge.

Failure to comply could result in catastrophic outcomes

for the space‐time continuum. Do you understand, Terry?

While using the Retrace‐Your‐Stepalizers,

no one in the past will be able to see or hear us.

Two, we can only stay in the past for eight hours or we'll turn into slime.

Three, we can't learn anything new...

Note to self, the pretzel bite is the most underrated appetizer.

Someone should say something to whoever is making those menus.

Those pesky menus. Some of them are too long.

Too many items. That's why I don't eat Chinese.

No other reason‐‐ ‐ Are you listening to me?

‐ Yeah, yeah, slime, keep going.

‐ Jesse, ugh, you left the Pretend‐O‐Deck open again.

Welcome back to the Pretend‐O‐Deck, Yumyulack.

‐ Hey, Aisha, play the last program that Jesse was running.

Well, that's an invasion of her privacy, don't you think?

Override protocol.

Password: Panera Bread with 3's for the E's.

Override accepted. Resuming last program, you little creep.

‐ Hello, Jesse, I'm Funyulack.

Want to continue our awesome makeover montage?

We left off on a cowboy outfit.

‐ What the hell is this? What are you supposed to be?

‐ I'm Funyulack. I'm exactly like you,

but funner and nicer and I know how to braid and bake bread.

Every time I walk into a room, someone says, "Oh, great."

He tried to trade me

to a witch for a PS4.

‐ Yeah, but she wouldn't take the deal.

You can't complain about almost being traded to a witch.

‐ He makes fun of the way I walk and breathe.

Have you ever watched her walk? It's all clop, clop, clop, gasp, gasp.

‐ I like the way she walks. Shoot me.

I think it's elegant. ‐ Then why don't you two get married?

This is messed up. I'm super nice.

I guess I'll have to force Jesse to like me

with Craig T. and Nelson.

or we'll turn into slime. Are you sleeping?

It's more like we're ghosts. ‐ Uh, well then,

how are we getting your wallet?

‐ We'll have to use the Retouch‐Your‐Stuff‐Alizer.

‐ Wow, that came from the homeworld?

Uh, kind of just looks like a stick with a spork.

‐ You know, you're supposed to get a license to use one of these,

but that office blew up, so we should be fine.

Beautiful Shlorp.

Oh, how I've missed this wonderful strict totalitarian place.

‐ A lot smaller than I remember.

‐ Ah, I never thought I'd see my old quarters again.

Oh, God, I made love to a lot of equations in here.

‐ Oh, you fucked math? Rad.

It's young you.

Damn, girl, you used to be way skinnier.

Oh, seriously, stand next to yourself. See the difference.

You have let yourself go!

‐ Oh, that's perfect, Terry. I will now use the stick

to hit the wallet into our ship at the space port.

It should then be in the ship when we return to the present.

‐ Are you missing on purpose just to make me giggle?

‐ Stop watching me. ‐ It's working.

‐ Don't watch me do this.

‐ Oh, hello, little one.

Would you like a stale cookie from a rusty tin?

Where am I? Are we dead?

‐ Good afternoon, Lorraine. ‐ Ah!

Your children moved away. Your husband is gone.

Even your friends have died.

All you have left are your memories.

I can access your mind and show you anything you've ever seen.

Is there something you've lost that you can't remember

which I can give you?

I just wish I could see her one last time.

‐ Everyone is so relaxed even though they're about to explode.

Truly the mark of an advanced society. Except for the panic zones.

‐ I have resigned myself to death,

although I will miss my friends and family when I'm gone.

‐ Oof, that guy's embarrassing himself.

‐ Hey, we're almost at the space port.

‐ You got this, boy!

‐ Damn it!

‐ Hey, mission accomplished. Now let's get back.

I gotta watch some more Hulu Vizu.

‐ Finally, some answers about the Pupa. All right,

If your Pupa turns orange, it means it ate something orange.

‐ Well, I did feed it a bag of Doritos Cheetos party blast.

You know, the same stuff that turned me orange when I ate it last year.

‐ This is a relief. We aren't going to get consumed by the Pupa,

at least not today, and we changed the past without creating

a single unintended butterfly effect. So we really slam dunked it.

‐ Look at us, we're ballers. ‐ We are ballers, ho ho.

‐ Hey, futtbuckers! Ha ha!

We're outta Stella.

Is somebody gonna go, uh, replenish?

‐ Wait, what? Who the fuck are you?

‐ Holy shit, there's an alien in our house!

Help me organize all my vests and fingerless gloves.

‐ Who are you and what are you doing in our house?

We escaped Shlorp together, remember?

‐ Vanbo? Am I saying that right? Vanbo?

You really put on the pounds, pal.

You're lookin' like a blue Shrek.

Where's your donkey at, blue Shrek?

Oh, and Terry, I broke your PS4 because I tried to cook a little pizza in it.

Okay, what the shit is going on?

‐ We must have inadvertently changed something in the past,

resulting in us now being in a dark, deviant time stream.

and has been living with us this whole time.

‐ Hey, man, I‐I‐I can't live with a dude this basic.

I bet he has a true crime podcast. Like he does one.

Listening, cool. Doing one, yee‐hee.

‐ We have to go back to the past and undo the wallet change,

which should return us to the correct time stream.

‐ And that'll get rid of Vanbo?

‐ In the previous time stream, Vanbo surely died on Shlorp.

So yes, but this isn't about Vanbo. This is about fixing the time stream.

but you're sure Vanbo will die?

‐ Yes, his body will be vaporized by the asteroid.

We're‐we're heroes. Terry, get in the kitchen

and make me a lean pork sandwich!

‐ Quick, come on, go, let's go.

There's our stick.

Now all we have to do is hit the wallet back out.

That should undo the changes to the time stream.

‐ We're heroes. ‐ Total heroes.

‐ Really? ‐ Mm, yes.

‐ Jeez Louise, are you on your zeriod or something?

‐ Yeah, but it has nothing to do with it.

I just want you to like me without earning it.

I want unconditional like.

‐ No, I just, I just, I don't want to worry about you

zapping me in the back with a crazy sci‐fi gun when I piss you off.

‐ Ah, I don't know! Fuck you!

‐ Uh, phone call for drama queen!

‐ Vanbo? Is there anyone named Vanbo here?

Looking for a Vanbo. ‐ What? No.

‐ Yes, yes, yes, all right. ‐ Yeah! Yeah‐yee!

‐ He's out running an errand.

‐ Hey‐o, Vanbo's back!

Great news. I traded the gold‐making machine

for these expensive rats.

See? They love you already.

Check it out. Give 'em a little kiss.

how the hell Vanbo keeps surviving planetary destruction.

‐ I, I don't even remember living with the guy.

‐ Time travel should be clear and linear. This isn't my fault.

‐ Well, it's not my fault.

Oh, look, hey, it's the past us meeting for the first time.

Aw, look at that.

I assume you love science and worship at the altar of logic.

‐ Hell yeah. Science rules.

I love that stuff and I'm a Pupa expert. I know everything about the Pupa.

‐ No, I wanna follow past me.

‐ Terry, since neither of us remember meeting Vanbo,

we must both be outside observers for the other.

‐ I'm young again.

‐ Honey, can you help me unload these groceries from the Piggly Wiggly?

‐ Aw, that's a nice thing to say.

‐ Come, run with me.