Passport to Pimlico

'You've been listening to a programme of lunchtime music

'by Les Norman and his Bethnal Green Bambinos.'

- You gonna be at that meeting tonight? - Afraid so.

- Try and keep it short, Dad. - Hm.

I I don't want to set the world on fire

J I just want to start...

- Pair of kippers to wait for Mrs White. - Okey-doke.

See any difference?

- What's the matter? Gone off? - No, in me.

- What's all that oily muck? - The shiny look, they call it.

- Do you like it? - Not much.

- No wonder we're short of fat. - Frank!

Frank, Mum wants to know if you've got any cod fillets.

I've got something better. Fancy a nice bit of bream for your supper?

- Mm, yes. - Ah, it's a treat to see it again.

My old dad used to say that this one was the most human fish of 'em all.

If I was a bream, I'd resent that.

Oh, I'll tell you a most remarkable thing about the bream.

When he's courting, he grows a little white wart just here.

Just like you, or I might buy a new hat.

Well, I must be going now. I'm ten minutes late already.

I'll fetch it over with a nice big piece of ice.

All right.

Some people get jam on it-.

Wrap this up and put it in the fridge.

- Hello, Benny. - Hello.

Phew! 94 degrees on Air Ministry roof.

Right, I'll keep off it.

- Any more about us there? - Yeah.

"It is now believed that Pamela, the last unexploded bomb in the London area,

"will be removed from Miramont Place, Pimlico, on Tuesday next."

- We hope. - Oh, it's gotta be, mate.

They want it for the exhibition on local arts and culture.

You can pack it up, boys.

Art and culture's had it. We're not defusing after all.

- Not, sir? - We've got to blow her up.

- What, in her state of health? - We've got to.

They've discovered another last bomb so Pamela goes up tomorrow.

The police are sending a chap round now to warn the population.

What are you talking about?

Two bob to win on Silver Street at 13 to 8. That's 5 and 3.

Any to Come Equator, you had.

Heard about the bomb, Fred? Setting her off tomorrow.

- Oh, they're setting her off, are they? - Have to change your pitch.

Bit of bad, Gold Cup Day.

This one's me, all right.

Think it'll go with my taffeta? That check skirt I got up west?

Lovely. Three guineas, dear.

- Oh. - Make it pounds. I'm easy.

Ta, Edie. I've got three coupons somewhere.

- Four, dear. Same as Bond Street. - Oh, go on, be a pal.

I want it for Miss Pimlico night at the Palais.

Oh, that. Proper old fiddle. Always was.

OK, I'll put it by.

Oh, no.

Look, I tell you what.

Oh, all right.

- Well, and what have I been up to? - Huh! Make me blush to guess.

Well, it's no good you settling down for a mike. It's time I had a wet.

I've come here to save your life. They're blowing up that bomb tomorrow.

- They're blowing it up? - You'll have to take a walk.

I suppose they couldn't make it early closing day.

- Wouldn't upset trade enough. - You can't pick and choose with bombs.

- Governor in, Bert? - If it's about the bomb, he knows.

- Bert! You going to be all night? - Coming, Governor.

A trifling matter like that, sir, I... I didn't want to bother Head Office.

Trifling?

We regard it as a serious matter

that a man in your position should make these decisions without our authority.

Excuse me, sir.

Sorry, sir.

A sense of responsibility is a very excellent thing, Wix.

We quite appreciate that.

But if we start giving a free hand to the manager of a minor branch,

we'd find ourselves in Queer Street.

Head Office don't consider you a second Montagu Norman yet, you know,

and they like to have some idea of what's happening here.

Then Head Office had better know

that I and my staff intend knocking off at three o'clock tomorrow afternoon.

Seems funny, Arthur, having to come and tell you about a bomb.

You're telling me. Took a warden to nose 'em out in the old days.

They aren't half making a mess-up of this one.

He really misses that old white helmet of his.

Good evening, ladies. Now, what can I do for you?

Mum wants a mop.

What, another? She had one last week.

What did she do with that, eh? Fetch your dad one over the ear with it?

Don't tease the child, Arthur. Give her a mop.

- Hello! That's a new one, isn't it? - Yes, he finished it last night.

Spent half the morning getting the mess off the carpet.

It's an idea for that dump out there. Give those kids somewhere decent to play.

They seem to be doing pretty well as it is.

I'd have something to say if I was their mother.

- Nice job you've got there. - Something to pass the time.

Pass the time indeed!

Stayed up till two o'clock to get it ready for the Council meeting.

It'll be quite simple to turn the old water tank into a swimming pool.

I, er... l think we've discussed this matter long enough, gentlemen.

Those in favour of Mr Pemberton's, er... project.

Those in favour of selling this piece of ground.

Well, that seems to settle it.

We've got to face economic facts, Mr Pemberton.

This borough is in no position just now to finance daydreams.

That's just plain ridiculous.

Don't you ever think of anything besides pounds, shillings and pence?

Withdraw that remark!

If everybody is quite settled now,

I should like to read the proposed advertisement.

"For sale, freehold. Valuable building land in much sought-after position.

"Eminently suitable for business premises or factory site.

"Heart of busy trading centre. Unlimited prospects.

"Full transport facilities to hand.

"Special appeal to purchaser of vision.

"No obstruction to future development.

"Thoroughly safe investment."

What have you been up to, you little devil? Little devil, that's what you are.

Wasn't me. It was him.

I reckon it was about six to four on him coming home in a sack.

- Came down on my funny bone. - Went right up in the air, I did.

So will your father when he hears about this.

All I can say is some people are born lucky.

- Oh! - Arthur!

- Dad, where are you? - Where is he gone?

- Somebody do something! - Hold on!

- Here's a rope! - Mr Pemberton!

Mr Pemberton! Are you all right?

Are you all right, Mr Pemberton?

Oh, I'm having a grand time.

Arthur!

Don't worry, we're getting him up.

Right!

Heave!

Take it easy!

Stick to it, Dad! You'll make it!

Hold tight, dear.

You all right?

- Hey, what happened? - Thank you, boys.

I'm all right. Don't worry, don't fuss. I'm all right, I tell you.

- You have hurt yourself. - No, I haven't.

- Just like old times, eh? - Hello, Ted. Yeah, just like.

You turn up when it's all over.

Now, come on. Which of you was it?

Come on. Who was it?

- Which of you was it? - Don't lie!

- It's always that kid of yours. - He never touched that wheel.

- Steady, steady. - Well, sit still, then.

" - Shirley!

OK, I'll go.

- That'll do, that'll do. - No, it won't. Stay where you are.

Playing about like a schoolboy.

I don't know why you ever wanted to go down the blessed hole.

I didn't want to go down the hole. I fell down.

Well, you shouldn't have gone so close.

- Who was it? - Frank with the ice.

- You didn't go to the door like that? - Yes, of course.

It's the only sensible kind of thing to wear in this kind of weather.

Downright indecent, I call it. Whatever must that man have thought?

Exactly the same as all the other men thought last year at Bournemouth.

- I thought I was seeing things again. - Seeing things?

Yes, when all that stuff fell on my head, I fancied I saw a kind of cave

with a load of treasure in it.

- Treasure? - Yes, goblets, jewels, gold coins and...

Look out, look out. It's all getting down my neck.

Did you say gold coins?

Oh, that's one of those kids worked off a dud on you.

It is gold, isn't it?

Come on. I'll fetch a ladder. You grab a couple of torches.

Arthur, don't be daft. Come back. Shirley! Arthur, your supper's just on ready!

Now, I wonder where that was.

Oi.

All right, all right. Come on, come on.

Shine the light here, will you?

Keep your light there.

There.

Cor! Someone's been saving up for a rainy day.

Look at all this stuff.

- Look, there's a coat of arms. - Look at this.

Must be hundreds of years old.

What's that?

Hm. They even had to fill up forms in those days.

- Hell t - Yes? o here!

What on earth are you playing at?

We've found some buried treasure down here.

- What? - Loads of it, worth a million!

Nip round to the police and give them the wire!

We're going to find out all about an old picture! Meet you in the library!

Yes, it's his crest, right enough.

Yes, a shield of pretense or a lion rampant gules.

Yes, just as I said.

Except that you called it a mangy old poodle up on its hind legs.

- Well, if you want to split hairs. - I've told 'em!

Proper sensation! They've put two men on guard over it. Found anything?

Plenty. Do you know whose crest this is?

- No. - The Duke of Burgundy.

- Who's he? Frenchman? - This chap here.

Burgundy was a country on its own in his day.

Well, what was he doing leaving his stuff lying around in Miramont Place?

Well, that's what we're trying to ferret out. You can help. Here, take this.

Look up "Burgundy, Grand Duke of".

Miramont House.