13 Hours (13 Hrs / 13Hrs) (13Hrs)

Hiya, Duncan.

- You didn't have to wait up for me. - Hello, Sarah.

Well, I hope the motorway wasn't too hellish.

And after such a long flight, well...

I was starting to get rather worried about you.

No problems. Just took it nice and slow.

Oh, sit yourself down. I made a casserole.

Oh, no, I'm fine, thanks. I ate on the plane.

At least let me pour you a glass of wine. It's very good.

Are you reliving your Boy Scout days?

No, no, no.

The retched AGA is broken down, that is the next best thing.

So...

How is the US? The new job panning out?

- I got a promotion. - Oh.

I can now afford a flat overlooking a gas works.

Well, you know your mother and I are more than happy to help out

if you need any money.

Thank you, but you've bailed me out enough in the past.

And the house's refurbishment looks like it needs a bit of a nudge.

Yes, well, uh... things are not quite going to plan.

The sale fell through. It's just a temporary hiccup.

It's all... I mean, nothing that can't be sorted.

So, where's the terrible trio?

They're in the barn with friends.

Trying to fix Stephen's Jeep, no doubt.

That was a terrible waste of my money.

Do you know, I am over 50 years old too,

and you won't catch me breaking down every 500 yards.

And Mother?

She's heading towards Edinburgh.

No rest for these high-flying publishing types,

even on a Friday evening.

She'll be here on Sunday.

I know she can't wait to see you.

You look beat. Why don't you get an early night?

I'll make sure the boys aren't raising too much hell.

That's an excellent idea.

I think perhaps that your young brothers

need their big sister to show them the straight and narrow.

Hmm. I'll sort it.

I'll play Mum. For tonight.

I know you will, my dear daughter.

Good night.

Sleep well.

Sarah...

don't leave it so long next time.

I won't, I promise.

Oh, my God.

Come on, boys!

Come on, guys!

Emily. Fuck!

All right, darling, the floor show is over.

Well, look who's here! The high-class hooker has finally arrived!

Well, I never. Hello, half-sister.

- Hello, stranger. - Hello, Stephen.

Emily.

- Hello, sister. - Charlie.

How's my better-brought-up brother?

- All the better for seeing you. - Sarah!

Remember me?

- Give us a hug, girl! - Hello, Gary.

- Hey, how's it going? - Still the young charmer, eh?

- Quite, quite, yeah. - Still single, then?

Yeah, a little bit.

The folks said you would be deigning us plebs with your presence this weekend.

And I hear the Jeep is giving you grief yet again.

Well, yeah, you know.

At least it makes it home occasionally, whatever the shit storm.

So, how's life in LA these days, Sarah? Streets still paved with gold?

No, sorry, it's all concrete with celebrity handprints and wannabes.

Well, it's got to be better than cow pats,

sheep dips and Hooray Henrys.

You can't be missing the green pastures of Blighty that much.

No, I think she just misses me.

Just wants to see my lovely little posterior.

I don't think she fancies loud-mouthed lousy tossers either, Gary.

- Join us. - Whoo-oh-oh.

- Why not? - Yeah! Go, girl!

Down the hatch!

- Ooh! - Oh! Jesus!

Mmm, I really feel like one of the boys now.

Oh, yeah? Which one exactly?

Sarah, just say "Gary"

and put him out of his masturbatory misery once and for all.

Ah, Doug. I knew you had to be here somewhere.

It's the smell.

As always. Hello, blue eyes.

Yeah, and as always,

Doug is hiding out here on the run from one of his many wild women.

Gross.

- Another one, halfling? - Give me that.

So, where's Luke?

- He's, um, recovering, eh, boys? - Along with Homer.

Recovering from what?

Oh, shit.

You'd best ask Dougie that one.

That will be from a full inhalation of the weed known as...

Jamaican Black.

So...

Luke managed a proper toke?

- Not bad. For a 13-year-old. - Yeah.

So, where is he?

He's wasted.

Help yourself.

Hello, little man.

Mmm, haven't you grown.

- Are you feeling okay? - Mm-hmm.

I heard you took your first flying lesson.

Maybe.

Homer definitely did, though.

We're calling him Stoner from now on.

Hello.

Go, Emily!

Why aren't you tucked up in bed in the house?

Mum and Dad had a big argument.

Well, what was their argument about?

I don't know, Sarah.

Dad shouting about bills,

whether she's having an affair.

Now why don't you go to sleep? I'll come and get you in the morning.

You promise?

You're not flying off and leaving us again?

No, I promise.

I'm here for a couple of weeks.

Now, why don't you go to sleep and I'll take Stoner with me.

Probably could do with some fresh air to clear his head.

Go. Go on, boy!

I'm not... I'm not lying!

I'm not lying! I swear on my mother's life.

- Yeah, if you knew who she fucking was. - Cheeky sod.

Look, look, look, look, it's where she wanted me to put it.

You know, being the gentleman that I am, I obliged.

Well, every hole is a goal, eh, Charlie?

Oh, that is way too much information about my brother's sex life!

All right, all right, all right. Let me tell you about this bird I pulled.

You couldn't pull a clay pigeon, Gary.

Julia is her name. She works down at the G&D.

Oh, yeah, is that the one with the moustache, yeah, Gary?

No, no, no. The, uh, pre-op tranny, actually.

Fuck off, right. She's a right cracker, I'm telling you.

I'm telling you, mates!

She got an ass to die for! Huge tits like you've never seen, man!

- My God. - Sorry, Sarah.

- I don't mean anything. - What do you mean?

- I was just... - What's wrong with my tits?

They are just not as nice as mine.

No, no, no. I'm sorry about my language.

- Your tits are fine. They are really... - Oh, yeah?

They are really quite nice.

Um, obviously, I'd have to compare yours and Emily's side by side.

- Gary, Gary, Gary. - Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay, so we're in the pub,

and, uh, we got chatting, you know, like you do.

And I asked her if she wanted to see my new motor.

So we pile it on in.

Before I got a chance, mate, woof, mate, zip down!

She is off! And todger out!

- Hers? - Mine, you prick, not hers, Stephen!

And literally, away we go!

All right.

So you are saying on record

that you are no longer the virgin we all know and mock?

Fuck am I a virgin!

We did it right there in the car in the back of the George and Dragon!

- Oh! - Thank you.

I get it now.

So you shagged George's dragon of a barmaid.

Gary spiked the peroxide blonde with his little Lancelot.

- Yeah, fuck off, you sarcastic twat! - He got you.

At least I'm not fucking Doug's sloppy seconds.

Whatever.

Excuse me, I need to go pee.

I said, whatever!

Such a prick, Gary.

Hold on, Emily. Oh, fuck.

Here we go, the girls are going to their little reunion.

Can I tape it?

Oh, what?

Can't a friend have a wee in private?

I just wanted to see if you were okay.

I'm fine.

So, how have you been?

I see there has been a new development.

Ah, so that's why you're here.

Oh, come on. How long have you and Stephen been?

A couple of weeks, if you must know.

And before you start, we have a laugh, he's good-looking.

He's got a brain. He knows what he's doing down there.

Oh, and he returns my calls. Quite important, that last one, Sarah.

I'm sorry, I've been busy setting up my life over there.

I sent you an email.

Yeah, well, Stephen told me you were coming home, so...

I thought I'd surprise you with everything.

Will you sod off, because you know that I can't...

Wee when someone else

- is in the same room as you. - Yes.

- You always were a weirdo. - And you always were a cow.

Doug, mate, it's bang out of order what she did to your phone.

That's right.