Deadpool 2

Fuck Wolverine.

First, he rides my coattails with the R rating.

Then the hairy motherfucker ups the ante by dying.

What a dick.

Well, guess what, Wolvie?

I'm dying in this one, too.

( X GOIN' GIVE IT TO YA PLAYING)

To understand why I took a cat-nap

on 1,200 gallons of high-test fuel...

I need to take you back

to the dewy slopes of six weeks ago.

I'd gone international,

taking out mass murderers, gangsters,

unspeakable monsters.

People nobody would touch. Except me.

I'm gonna touch them all over.

Hey, it's Gail calling.

Love the shiny suit.

Really brings out

the sex trafficker in your eyes.

Whatever they're paying, I'll double it.

I don't speak Cantonese, Mister...

Well, I'm not even gonna attempt that.

But I did take 8th grade Spanish, so...

Where is the library?

Which literally translates to...

I don't bargain, pumpkin fucker.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro...

I'll take a cranberry-grapefruit vodka.

I know it's called a Sea Breeze.

Don't make me say it.

Hit it, Dolly.

Taking the hands out of the guns of the criminals!

Whoo! Do not go in there!

Oh, God! Oh, God, time out! Time out!

Cut. Got bad guy blood, right in my open eye.

Oh, that's so gross.

Fuck.

Scoutmaster Kevin?

Too exotic?

My world tour brought me home

to this guy, Sergei Valishnikov.

But we'll get to him in a moment.

'Cause I know what you're thinking.

"I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home."

But that's where you'd be wrong.

That babysitter of yours is high as fuck right now...

and, believe it or not, Deadpool 2 is a family film.

True story.

And every good family film starts with a vicious murder.

Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7.

Holy shit pickles! That guy's on fire.

That's not CGI, folks. He's actually on fire.

Yeah. You know I get paid to take out bad guys, right?

But this guy?

He was one of the worst of 'em.

Hurry up and open this fucking door,

and let's kill this motherfucker!

Ugh. So gross.

A panic room? Really?

Can you come out?

I really have to go. It's my anniversary.

(ON RADIO) Over and over, I hear people say,

"I just don't have enough confidence."

Listen, confidence is not something you have.

It's something you create.

And you can create it at any moment in time.

A sense of confidence is nothing

but a sense of power within yourself...

a sense of certainty that you can pull something off.

Start the car! Start the fucking car!

Dopinder!

Start the fucking car!

Whoo! Oh, I shit my pants.

Actually, that may have been me.

Oh, mission accomplished?

Well, in a George W. sort of way.

Fucker can't stay in a panic room forever.

Oh, you're living the dreams, DP.

It has been quite the run, Dopinder,

and who'da thought?

Now I'm talked about in the same sentence as Jesus.

Passion of the Christ, then me.

At least domestically.

We beat them overseas,

where there's no such thing as religion.

I do want to live the dreams, Pool Boy.

Taxiing is not as sexy as it looks.

I want to fill my... Pockets?

What's your poison? A little, uh, cokey cokey?

Can't maintain an erection

without buying shoes online?

I've never experienced that last one.

Talk to me, Goose.

I was going to say "soul". I want to fill my soul.

I want to belong to something, like you, Pool, sir.

Dopinder... Hmm?

You never cease to surprise me.

You know, the depth of your heart is extraordinary.

We all need a sense of belonging.

We all need a genuine sense of home.

A place in this world.

I want to become a contract killer.

I'm sorry. What did you say?

Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu

and threatened him with great violence?

You kind of killed him.

And then remember the movie Interview with the Vampire?

Don't want to.

When Tom Cruise fed

10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood

for the first time...

and she looked up at his smooth,

handsome face and said...

"I want some more."

Oh, Pool, picture me, a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst.

I'll never not picture that.

But I can't wait to never speak of this,

as soon as possible.

We're here.

You're my Tom Cruise!

And you're my Kristen Dunst!

Kristen? Kirsten?

Sorry I'm late.

There was a bunch of

handicapable children stuck in a tree...

and I had to, uh... Uh-uh.

You're right. I was fighting a caped badass.

But then we discovered his mom is named Martha, too.

No.

Traffic?

Hmm?

Kiss me like you miss me, Red.

Well, come here.

I'm gonna shower and get out of this suit.

Don't you want your surprise?

Do I look like a patient burn victim?

I got one for you, too.

Happy anniversary, baby.

Open, open, open.

Skee-Ball token.

Our first date.

Yup.

That's genuine, high-grade lead.

I'll keep it forever.

Thank you, baby.

Open yours. All right, all right.

Oh...

That's just the most beautiful thing that I've...

I don't know what this is.

My IUD.

A bomb?

No, dick for brains. My birth control device.

What, you mean that your...

Baby factory's open for business.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I want a boy!

Or a little girl! Definitely one or the other!

Oh! And I want our kid to have only one name.

Like Cher or Todd.

You gotta pump a baby in me first, cowboy.

Yes, I do.

Let's watch some porn and show that bed who's boss.

Let's do that.

Papa...

Can you hear me?

Papa, can you see me?

Does this song sound familiar to you?

May.

Connor, if it's a boy. May, if it's a girl.

So weird.

Family was always an F-word to me.

My pile of shit father took off and bailed.

I mean, it's not like I have a lot of strong role models

to draw off of for Todd.

Hey. Look at me.

You are not your father.

Besides...

I will never, ever let our child be named Todd.

But here's the thing,

isn't that how it always works?

Like in Star Wars,

men are destined to become their father...

and then have consensual sex with their sister?

I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie.

No, I'm pretty sure Luke nailed her.

Baby, that's Empire.

The point is, kids...