The Last Man on Earth

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

I hold here what are probably Lewis's remains.

It's a girl.

What are you gonna call her?

Dawn.

Because it's the dawn of a new day.

Oh, farts.

She's beautiful.

I know everyone says that, but she is.

She's an angel!

I think I might need to excuse myself.

Feeling a little queasy.

Not because of your blood and goop, Erica.

That was beautiful.

But in a way, it does make me feel the need

to puke and lie down.

Bye, Carol.

Okay, I'm supposed to check her hearing and reflexes,

when you have a chance.

No, not letting go yet.

I don't like babies.

But she's a good one.

I'm gonna spoil her.

I don't care who knows it.

Guys, guys, I need all your attention up here, please.

Uh, Erica had her baby, you friggin' idiot.

Oh, great!

Oh, my God, oh, gorgeous baby, Erica.

Tandy, that's the placenta. Oh, good.

'Cause it doesn't look anything like you, yeah. Ew.

Okay, look, uh,

come with me, please.

Uh, we're a little busy. This is super important.

What's more important than a baby being born?

That.

Oh, my God.

Tandy, are you absolutely sure that's a nuclear meltdown?

Oh, maybe it's just a huge regular fire

coming directly out of the inside

of a frigging nuclear reactor.

Burn.

Yeah, I-I'm pretty sure.

Yeah,

Lewis talked about this, he said...

bridges would start collapsing,

satellites would start falling from the sky,

and, you know, this.

Ah, Lewis, a good man, and so very, very wise.

Except when it came to flying a plane, am I right?

But is it even safe

for us to be on the roof? I mean, are we getting

radiation poisoning just being out here?

Oh, good point, Melissa, yeah.

Maybe we should all do one of these.

Hey, guys, remember Jasper's here, all right?

Oh, yeah. Jasper, do this if you want to live.

Tandy... Okay, what in God's name are we gonna do?

Let's get the hell out of here. Where are we gonna go?

I don't know, just grab what we can

and drive away from that.

Good call. Gail, you tell Erica, I'll tell Carol.

Okay, collars up, every second counts.

Move, move, move!

Carol.

My goldang gol! Care Bear,

it's just me, it's just me.

Oh, you got to tread lightly, Tandy.

You know I'm a paranoid napper.

I'm sorry, sorry.

Look, I-I got a little, uh...

How should I put this? Uh...

thing of interest, uh, to tell you.

Can I tell you something interesting first?

Uh, uh, uh, yeah, sure, yes.

Did you know that I used to be deathly afraid

of sliding out of long booths in Mexican restaurants?

I did not know that about you, Carol, no.

Until one day, a very talented therapist

took me to Casa Gallardo

and made me watch her slide in and out of a long booth

with elegance and class.

And that's what happened when I saw that birth.

That baby slid out of Erica with elegance and class

just like Dr. Weem did in that Mexican booth.

Oh, oh.

I just needed to see it go well once.

And I'm not afraid anymore.

We have created the perfect home.

And I can't imagine raising our baby anywhere else.

Yeah, okay, well, uh,

as always, I commend you on that whimsical, seemingly pointless

yet suddenly relevant wind-up to what could've been

a really boring bit of regular old information.

Well, I learned it from the best.

Okay.

Wait, what were you gonna tell me?

Uh, uh, uh...

just a joke, you know?

Uh, why did the banker quit his job?

Why?

'Cause he lost interest.

I'm peeing.

I peed a little.

Well, uh, why don't you clean yourself up

and go back to sleep, huh?

Oh, no, it wasn't a toilet amount.

Okay.

Good-bye, dear friend.

I know I gave you a lot to deal with,

but you took it like a real toilet.

We had a lot of good times in here.

But like the dinosaur,

all good things must come to an end.

Okay, let's go before

we all start to glow in the dark.

Come on, bud.

Wait, where's Carol?

She's sleeping.

Well, go wake her ass up.

Don't worry, it's all taken care of.

Tandy. Tandy?

What? The whole house is bouncing and jiggling.

I think we're having an earthquake.

What?

I don't feel anything but aggressive stability.

Issue resolved.

Now let's go back to bed for a long time.

Oh. Oh! Oh.

Okay. All right.

No, no, no, Carol! No, no, no, no! Okay, get in the door jamb!

Carol, no, don't, don't, don't! No, no, no, no!

Tandy!

What in Bruce Almighty is happening?

Road trip!

What? I'm about to have a baby!

Exactly, so this is, like, our last chance

to do something spur of the moment

before we become boring, old parents.

Tandy, turn this flipping house around and take me the flip home

before I completely lose my flipping crumbs!

I'll have to talk to Todd; he's driving.

Actually got the whole crew up there.

Got your medical equipment,

all your scrapbooks,

and basically all the stuff that people could quickly grab.

Erica even brought her new baby, which is fun.

Okay, Tandy, I'm gonna ask you this one more time:

onto which what is going?

Nothing.

Tandrew!

Carol, we can't go back.

Why the gol not?

Look.

There's no easy way to say this.

So I'm gonna go ahead and sing it.

Okay. Here comes the boob.

Here comes the boobie.

Oh, come on, work with me here.

How's it going back there, Erica?

Super awesome.

You know what they say,

always wait till your baby's 12 hours old

before racing away from a nuclear dust cloud.

What's a nuclear dust cloud?

Um.

It's a, it's a ska band

I used to listen to back in the '90s.

It's a poisonous cloud that gives you cancer

and slowly kills you.

Melissa.

Why didn't we bring the cow?

We didn't bring the cow.

Oh, my God.

We forgot the freaking cow?

Come on.

We didn't bring the freaking cow!

- Damn it. - Oh, geez.

I would've brought the cow.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, we've been driving around for, like, three hours.

Shouldn't we try and figure out what the hell it is we're doing?

Hey, guys.

I found an Army surplus store and I hooked us up

with one of these little bad boys. Now, Jasper,

this is what's called a Geiger counter,

or a Gizzy kizzy.

Okay? Now, if we're safe, it doesn't make any noise.

But if we get into a dangerous

radioactive area, it will start making a sound

like this...

Thought that would register.

So you guys, uh, find any info?

I-I found this book

about what would happen if all civilization vanished.

And it says,

sooner or later, all these nuclear reactors are gonna blow.

Ooh, what does it say we should do?

In the book we're all dead.

My book here says that we're good

outside of a hundred-mile radius of a meltdown.