Last Tango in Halifax

He is losing it. He has no money.

Lives in a foster home. Runs off, lives in sheds.

How did they escape? Folk coming to gawp at the daub, leaving gate open.

Two of 'em are dead. So, it's not a Banksy, then?

I'm thinking I might sell up. You can't do that.

You had ulterior motives.

Well, she asked me to leave, so I wasn't going to hang around.

You wouldn't like to go out for dinner with me, would you?

We think he's gone bust. Martin. He's disappeared.

VEHICLE HORN BEEPS

VEHICLE APPROACHES

How are you feeling?

Just the same.

Oh, Mum, I am sorry.

Mm. A week on, and we're still no closer to knowing

if we're ever going to get any of our money back

or a kitchen or anything.

Rick's here now. Rick, is he the one that's, um...?

No, he's the one...

..Morning, love. ..he's the kind soul

that came and told us what has happened

and then offered to come round

and reinstate the old kitchen free of charge.

Which he's starting doing this morning,

but we will give him something for his trouble.

No, we will, love.

So, is... Is that it, then?

So, you're just going to put the old kitchen back?

Well, no, I'm still hoping it's a temporary measure.

But we just don't know.

Well, if there's anything I can do, you know where I am.

What about your little problem?

Is it still with you?

Yep. I don't know why you don't just tell him to beggar off.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Er, except it's actually quite handy

with him picking Flora and Calamity up from school in the afternoons,

so, um... Oh, right.

Well, I'd better get on.

I've said I'll drive Alan to the supermarket

and I've not put me face on.

OK. Chin up.

And you. Ta-ta.

Bye. Bye. Bye-bye.

Do you think we should become vegans, Mummy?

No.

I've just got to put a bit of lipstick on.

..Well, if you've got time.

HE MOUTHS

Yeah, yeah, I can come and wield a screwdriver for an hour later on.

If he tells me what to do.

Hey, our Gillian says she's going to try and pop in and help you.

Great. Hey, how did you get on yesterday with that fella?

Did he come? Yeah. Yeah, he did. Thanks.

He reckons, er, 500 grand, all in.

All 35 acres, the house, everything. Is that what it's worth?

Well, I'm getting a couple of quotes, but...yeah.

Yeah, I assume he knows what he's talking about.

Has she brushed her teeth?

Have you brushed your teeth? I'll do it tonight.

I'm worried you're going to regret it.

She hasn't brushed her teeth! It's too late now!

Oh, yeah. So am I. I'm worried I'll regret it, too,

but it's like my mum used to say,

"You can't have what you can't afford," so...

Come on! You come on!

Outside, stop dawdling! Right.

Morning. Morning.

Listen, I'll... I'll have to go.

Um, can we talk again later, properly?

Before you make any commitments. Sure.

Right, ta-ta.

Bye.

See ya, Mum. Ta-ra, love.

What? She's not brushed her teeth again!

You'll have to get dressed. You're taking me to work.

Who is? You. You and Celia.

I'm not going to "wander off again", as you like to call it.

Look, I wish you'd trust me... just once!

And then you'd know. And you'd make life a lot easier for yourselves.

Seat-belt on, kid.

She can double-brush tonight.

You know that Cheryl,

that copper that went out with Robbie before he married your mum?

Yeah. You know I told you she were in the store the other day,

being useless as usual?

Yeah.

Well, she said summat...weird.

About your mum.

What?

She said that she murdered your dad.

Your mum did. Yeah.

But she didn't.

There was an inquest. It was an accident. Did you say that?

Yeah, but she said coppers know stuff.

You realise Cheryl's got a massive grudge against me mum

because Robbie dumped her. Yeah, but it's just the way she said it.

So matter-of-fact, like, "We all know,

"everybody knows, we just don't say it."

Robbie was me dad's brother, and a copper.

D'you think he'd have married her if he thought that?

Did you never think it were odd, though?

The way Robbie disappeared off to Canada like that,

without saying owt proper, to you, about why?

Fancy saying that to you of all people.

What a bitch!

Yeah, but why is your mum so funny about that barn?

Seriously, do you want to make something of this?

No! It... It...

Brr, it just made me feel weird!

It was all complicated with me mum and Robbie,

cos he was me dad's brother.

And she's funny about that barn cos it's where he died.

It's not rocket science. It doesn't mean she murdered him.

It made me think we need to get out of there and get our own house.

And sooner rather than later.

We'll have to anyway, if she's selling up. She's not selling up!

That isn't going to happen. Ever.

Is that fella picking us up again? Your Uncle John? Yeah.

He's not me real uncle.

Well, no... Well, sort of, he is.

He used to be married to Auntie Caroline, so...

She's gay, though.

Yeah, she didn't used to be, though.

Can you do that?

Can you be not gay then start being?

Er, not, um...

No.

But you can be in denial about it. In denial?

Yeah.

So...

In the olden days...

Cos I love Flora.

That's different.

She... She's your cousin.

But, so, in the olden days...

And I'm not in denial about it! Whatever that means.

Yeah, but you don't want to kiss her though, do you, though? No, so...

Yeah, but sometimes I do, though, cos she's so adorable!

Right.

I've got to go now. I've got stuff to do.

Me, too. I've got to sort Brendan Clark out.

See ya!

Here you are.

Have a nice day! I will.

SHE SIGHS

Oh, nicely done, Caroline.

Hello, Judith.

Is this a bad time to be calling?

Well, I... I'm just...um, yes, dropping Flora off at school.

I'll call later.

Well, Judith, I'm at work all day, so, um...

I'll be quick, then. Is John all right?

He's fine. He's, um... He's annoying. But, yes, he's fine.

I worry about him. I shouldn't, I know. Morning!

He's so pathetic, clinging on to what's familiar rather than making

positive choices about life. Judith.

But it made me realise I was doing exactly the same thing!

Tell her to f... off!

Do you remember when I first met you? Er, no. What?

It was at some do, some bash

at the university that John dragged you along to.

I don't think you saw me. Judith, I've got to go...

And the thing is, the thing I've realised is,

I think I only ever went after him because I was fascinated by you!

I think the whole thing was just to get your attention.

Judith... Isn't that mad?

I don't want to be uncharitable...

Come on, we need to pin this dinner date down.

I've put myself on the line.

I've been really frank

and open about some quite profound and confused emotions.

And, you know, that takes a lot of courage.

As I say, I don't want to be uncharitable...

Tell her you're going out with me! Um, it... It's just it's...

Well, it's a lot of things.

And, um...

I am going out with you. I've got an idea about the farm.

Can you be more specific, Caroline? Because I can change.

I'll ring you later.

I've got a mad morning, but I'll call you when I can.

Judith, I don't mean to be unkind,

but you wrecked my marriage. And, um...

Oh, bye!

That's Flora. She's, um, just going to school

and she left the door wide open. Yeah, I know all this, Caroline...

Also, plus... HORN TOOTS

Oh, for f...! HORNS TOOT

Ring me!

Yeah, I need to talk to you about Mum and Alan, as well.

What about 'em? No, I'll ring you.

See, as well as all that, Judith...

..I'm a single parent. I have a five-year-old child.

And starting a relationship with an alcoholic

is not at the top of my list of things to do.

But the thing is, seeing one unsuitable man

after the next is what's led me down this vodka-soaked cul-de-sac.

And of course they were all unsuitable because I've been in...

Well, not denial,

because I'm too "couldn't give a fuck about anything"