Happy Endings

Tell me what you want.

You know what I want.

Oh, say it. I want to hear you say it.

Ooh. I want a porch.

- Ohh. - A big, wide porch

- with weathered shingles. - Ohh.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

- And a dock. - Mm-hmm.

A dark pine dock that goes on forever.

Oh, my God!

Just buy a lake house already so we can stop hearing

about your big, black dock.

Al!

Oh, I get it.

I was supposed to say "big, African-American dock."

- Yeah. - I'm sorry.

Better.

2012.

Guys, scootch down.

Daphne Wilson.

Daphne Wilson? I haven't seen her since fourth grade.

I ran into her last week.

She just moved back into our neighborhood,

and already she cornered me to go get tea with her.

Tea? What kind of loser drinks tea?

- Ahem. - Oh, no.

Damn it. She saw me. (Chuckles)

I don't remember her being that bad.

Well, it was easy for you to avoid her

with your fancy, freestanding house.

I had to live across the hall from her.

Oh, my God. A tea party sounds amahzing,

but I have a girl scout meeting I totally can't reschedj.

I was never a girl scout,

but to keep her from finding out,

I bought and resold samoas

until the GS of A sent me a cease and desist letter.

What's so bad about her anyway?

She can never have

a meaningless convo like a normal person.

She just keeps asking questions

like she actually cares.

Ohh. Sounds like a monster.

You'll see, but I think I came up

with a pretty solid excuse

as to why I can't have tea with her. (Chuckles)

Penny, hi. How's the turf toe?

Day to day.

Oh, my God! Jane, Alex, hi! (Chuckles)

- Hi. - I haven't seen you in so long.

Congrats on your store.

I hear that you're carrying a line

of wildly extravagant hand creams.

I knew mom disapproved. Why can't she ever just say it?

Choose your battles.

Guys, what if I bring tea up to your apartment

and we catch up?

- Oh. - We would love that,

but we can't have anyone to our place.

Water damage. It turns out, filling an air mattress

with water does not a water bed make.

Oh, no. (Chuckles) All right. Well, catch ya later.

- Byes! - Byes!

- Byes all around. - Oh, thank God that's over.

Why didn't you just say you were busy?

Because then she would know I'm blowing her off.

A specific lie spares her feelings.

Plus it's just easier,

and I'll probably never even see her again.

- Hey, guys! - Oh! (Laughing)

- Ow. - Okeydokey.

I left my bag.

- Oh. (Chuckles) - Oh.

Crazy me. (Chuckles)

- Catch ya later. - Bye, girl.

- Ohh. - Bye!

Just sneaks right up on ya, huh?

Whoo! (Chuckles)

Really, mom?

You show me a better price on diamond-infused hand cream,

and I will match it. I'm serious.

Oh, so you drink tea?

Who put this here?

Waiter.

Okay. Penny. Penny, wait.

Feel my hand. It's diamond-soft.

Tell it to your mother.

Funny running into you here.

I came by to see if I could help you with your water damage.

I-I know a lot about mold.

You are so sweet, but it's all fixed.

New floors, new paint,

our vintage Italian "analyze that" poster.

Sounds cool. Can I come in and see?

Oh, that would be great, but w-we were actually headed

- over to b-Brad and Jane's. - Uh-huh.

Oh, I'd love to see them. Can I come?

I mean to their lake house for a couple days.

- Sounds fun. Can I come? - You know, we'd love to invite you,

but darn it, we can't.

- Why not? - Oh, uh, it's--

It's a 2-bedroom. It's little.

- How little? - So little, in fact,

the mice there are like, "whassup?

It's crowded up in here, yo!"

They have little mice that can speak?

No, it's just a turn of phrase.

Wow. That... was amazing.

All I did was walk through the door.

No, I meant about last night. Last night was amazing.

Oh. (Giggles)

Aha! I told you, no subletters.

Damn it, Darren. She's not a subletter.

She just stayed the night.

Yeah, well, you and Max have so many guys and girls

parading around here,

it basically feels like one subletter.

How many girls?

- A lot. - No.

I, on the other hand, would love to take you out sometime...

- Mm. - Like a lady. (Chuckles)

Like a gentleman.

Like a-- I would be the gentleman,

and you would be the lady.

Thanks, but maybe some other time. (Giggles)

Okay.

You blew that for me, man.

Damn it, Darren. What is your problem?

Man, you're always hassling us.

You still haven't fixed the oven.

Too bad, Casanova! I'll fix it when I fix it!

I...

God.

Our stupid landlord won't fix the oven,

and he keeps perving out on my chicks.

Yeah? Well, tell Darren to suck it,

'cause I just invented something awesome.

Check it out-- The trash can stove,

or as I call it, the "Trove."

Look at this brisket, huh?

Only took 18 hours to cook,

hickory-smoked, falling off the bizone,

and straight out of the trash.

I'm gonna call it a "Triskett."

Triscuit is already a thing, and I'm pretty sure

the fumes from that will kill us in our sleep.

Yeah, but you got to admit...

In your sleep's a pretty chill way to go.

So you're staying here for a few days?

I had to say something. She literally cornered me.

Not cool, Penny.

Why did you have to say our lake house is little?

Now she's gonna think we have to hang our beach cruisers

from hooks in the kitchen like savages.

So you lied to her face...

And now you're hiding out in our apartment for three days,

all so you didn't have to tell her

you don't want to have tea with her?

I want her to think I'm nice.

- Why? - Because schmoes like us

need people to think we're nice.

It is all we've got.

The only people who can get away with being mean

are rock stars or brain surgeons

or Mr. Phil.

You mean Dr. Phil.

Come on. It's a PhD. Everybody, calm down.

Al, you can't stay here.

Our landlord Darren's already on us

about having too many people sleep over.

But it'll be like "Three's Company."

I'll be adorable Chrissy, and Max can be hilarious Jack,

and you'll be Janet.

I'm not Janet.

Classic Janet.

Guys, stop it. This is not "Three's Company."

Come on, a knock at our door.

I know you're in there!

It's our nosy landlord. Hide.

I know you're hiding another girl in here.

I saw a cute blonde coming up the stairs with luggage.

No, no. There's no girl here.

She must have gone to some other apartment.

Then whose purse is this?

Uh, that's, um, that's mine.

I told you, Darren. I am a gay man.

Are you? Because I've had my eye on you,

and you don't seem very gay to me.

Well, I am... homosexual.

Super gay.

You had better be.

I don't know why I care so much,

but I do.

- I do. - Okay.

Great chat.

Whew!

Why are you nervous? You are gay.

I know, but you know that I love

low-stakes, classic '80s sitcom danger.

That was a close one, Max.