Gossip Girl

Gossip Girl here...

Your one and only source in the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite.

I needed a family member for a blood transfusion,

and I gave the doctors Jack's number.

Jack?

I told Chuck he doesn't have my heart anymore.

I realized it belongs to someone else.

I've always hesitated going after Lola's father

for child support.

Do you know who he is?

I'm looking right at him.

It's time to pass the Gossip Girl baton.

Now be a doll and send this for me.

There's stuff on this laptop that'll blow people's minds.

Why did you introduce this girl as your daughter?

Who is she? Ivy Dickens.

Your mom hired me to be you.

"As for the rest of my estate, I leave to you, Ivy Dickens."

I think it'd be best if you left.

I was just gonna say the same thing.

This is my apartment now.

And who am I?

That's a secret I'll never tell.

You know you love me.

Dear "S by S" readers,

it looks like spring has finally sprung,

and lucky for us, one thing that hasn't yet popped up

is Gossip Girl.

Hopefully my family's unfortunate exile to Brooklyn

will pass quietly and with dignity.

What's wrong?

I'm perfect as usual...

And we've been waiting weeks, so...

Blair.

Oh, God.

I thought you said they were having breakfast with William.

Yes. Here.

You're welcome to join us.

How could I say no?

If I had known this was what you meant

when you invited me for a corporate retreat,

I might have packed differently.

You didn't need clothes

for mistress Katya's blindfolded trust exercise,

but I would wear something more suitable

when I thank you officially for saving my life.

What, from that arsonist, Russell Thorpe?

That was... a year ago.

Took you long enough.

No, no, no, I'm referring to the car accident--

your blood donation,

after my body rejected the first transfusion,

and I needed the family member.

Oh. That.

Well, I wouldn't be here without you.

I'm eternally grateful.

Yeah, well, I considered letting you die

and taking your billions.

That's probably why you let me

have all the hot ones last night.

My first gift. My second... is a bit larger.

I've endowed a new wing at the hospital

where I was treated.

It's going to be the Jack Bass pavilion.

Tonight is the ribbon cutting ceremony for the renovation.

Seriously? You're not just trying

to get me to the hospital to put me in rehab?

No, but that said, you might want to

get rid of the evidence of last night's exploits

before we go.

I'll sleep it off...

with...

you and you. Come on.

Mmm. Well, I may have made a few too many waffles,

but it's only because it's great to be back in my old kitchen.

You mean with the stove with the burners

you have to light with a match?

It's the quirks-- the little quirks

that make it feel like home.

You know, I never knew that the croissants in Brooklyn

rivaled Sant Ambroeus.

They don't. I ran up there this morning.

I also stopped by to see Vanya, who had some packages for me

and arranged to have, um, Serena's delivered.

It is ludicrous that we have to go to these lengths

to get our own mail.

William, please tell me you found a way to fix this.

Well, there's nothing technically wrong with the will,

so as executor, my hands are tied.

The law requires that I remain neutral.

Lily and I have a meeting with Bruce Caplan later.

I think it's best if we get our legal opinions from an expert.

He won't tell you anything different.

William, what are you even still doing here?

Uh, Rufus, William, let's not let Ivy drive us apart.

Well, sounds like everyone's got a lot to do today.

I think you should probably get started right away.

Uh, Blair and I can clean up.

I don't--

uh... see... why

you shouldn't all leave immediately,

because when you are dealing

with a charlatan like Ivy Dickens, time is of the essence.

Did you see what Lily and Serena

said about me today in the paper?

I don't read the paper.

Not even your boyfriend's? 'Cause that's where it is.

They said my father's fatal overdose

sparked my lifetime of criminal behavior.

I'm not a criminal. You know that.

Well, a year ago, I might have agreed with you, but now...

Lily has plenty of money.

Cece just wanted me to have some, too.

Ivy, I really think it would be best

if you stopped calling me, okay?

Lola!

Hey, I was just about to call you.

Is there any chance I could interview you

for my Ivy Dickens story?

I'm sorry, Serena.

I'm really not comfortable getting involved.

You already are involved,

never mind what she did to your family,

but what she did to you was worst of all.

I mean, she stole your identity.

I really don't wanna talk about it, okay?

Especially not in the press.

Okay. Well, if you change your mind.

I swear that wasn't another botched attempt

to get you two together. She just works here.

I know.

All I wanna do is figure out if I fit into this family,

but I don't know how to do that

in the middle of a war with Ivy.

Well, did you ever call your uncle William back?

He's Cece's executor.

She obviously trusted him a lot. Maybe he has some ideas.

Yeah, I guess it couldn't hurt to go ask.

Oh.

This coffee is probably cold,

and I've just dumped a bunch of my problems in your lap,

but I swear I came here with good intentions--

a warm beverage and a little moral support

before your big investor meeting.

Thanks.

I'm trying, Carol, but a will is a legal document.

I can't just overturn it because you're blackmailing me.

I don't care what's legal.

I want my inheritance.

You can pay me out of your pocket if it's easier.

You know I can't do that. I work for a living.

Then get ready for Serena and Eric to hate you

when they find out that you fathered my daughter

while you were married to their mother.

Lily will never forgive you, and you know that.

You hired someone to play our daughter to keep it secret.

Yes, which should give you some sense of

what I'm willing to do to get my money.

Bye! Good luck with the lawyer.

I thought I had a primping problem.

How long does it take two middle-aged people

to leave the apartment?

At least they're finally gone.

We need to move fast.

I don't know how long this meeting's gonna take.

Well, at least our month of failed intimacy attempts

brought to light every possible potential problem.

Oh, yeah, and I moved the condoms from the dresser

to the nightstand--

That's one I don't care to relive.

It wasn't as bad as the time my dad and Lily--

Twice. Three times less than Serena

went into our shared bathroom.

Yeah, and how does that housekeeper

filling in for Dorota not know how to knock?

We can't even escape to a proper pied-a-terre in Manhattan

until Georgina gets me my divorce,

or my family will have to pay the dowry.

But nothing is in our way now.

Not even another unfortunate unzipping incident.

Oh, my poor Prabal.

Wait. What?

Do you feel that?

Uh?

It's like someone's watching us.

Um... it's just Cedric.

Uh, maybe that'll stop.

Earplugs? Noise-canceling headphones?

This came for you.

Thank you so much.

Hey, do you have those numbers for your column?

I need them for my meeting.

Yeah, they're on my desk.

Thanks.

Oh, hey, I saw you and Lola earlier.

Maybe you could take it easy on her like she asked.

If you don't mind, I think I'll determine

how to handle my family.

Well, it was just a suggestion.

S., welcome to your future