United States of Tara

Oh, shit.

All right, good contractions.

You're doing good there, Tara.

I'm not Tara, you fucking moron.

The one with the baby poking out of her is Charmaine.

The one who ran the baby over is sister Tara.

Ow.

Hi. I-I didn't actually run her over.

Don't listen to her, because she wasn't there,

because she wasn't she, because she's fucking crazy!

I'm not crazy.

I'm sorry. What's the proper medical term for "batshit insane"?

So, you two are sisters. I don't know.

How you can be sisters with someone who's got 42 people in her head

who keep trying to ruin your life?

My wedding, okay?

"I so sleepy!"

Ow! Ow!

Disaster.

Full-on, feral spaz-out at the...

Ow, ow, ow, ow!... Spa.

Awesome.

Oh, my new breasts?

Creeptastic moment there.

But this... ow, ow... this... ow...

This tops the charts.

And premature labor induced via Volkswagen?!

I don't know how you're gonna top that one, Tara.

Ow.

Look, I am sorry. I didn't mean to...

I just wanted a goddamn baby shower!

Listen, everything is going to be fine.

One day, this'll be a wacky story we tell our grandchildren.

No, I'm done laughing this off.

I am going to have my baby in a normal fucking way,

with normal fucking people around me.

Stay away from me. You are not fucking this up. No, I hear what you're saying.

Aah!

Oh, God, be careful with her! Charmaine, Charmaine!

Please keep her away from me. She's fucking crazy, okay?

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

Keep her away from me. She's fucking crazy.

Aaaaah! Aah!

It was pretty intense.

I mean, it's a lot going on... Very hard to explain.

Sort of really intense.

Yeah, you said "intense."

This bursting forth of... of... of realiza...

or, no, of this... this... this sudden big bang

of consciousness, like... like boom!

New universe of Kate.

Meg said you freaked the fuck out.

Junin toiro, which... which means

"different strokes to move the world."

Is that yours?

Ohhhh!

Well, here's one. Where's the other bag?

Japan?

Bursting into consciousness?

The possibilities are varied and complex.

Well...Could you... Figure it out?

It hurts my brain when I give a shit.

Come on, Ray.

Can't you see that I am in the middle

of some life-altering stuff right now,

stuff that I have yet to spring on my parents,

and it would be a really big, major, super-helpful thing

if I had my shit together, so to speak?

Please?

I would prefer not to.

Kachofugetsu.

"Flower, bird, wind, moon."

What does that mean?

I don't know, but it sounds pretty.

Hey, are you all right?

Oh, I'm just peachy.

I'm quite fond of hospitals. They're very clean.

Great. Great. Fantastic...Alice.

I need Tara.

Oh. She's a tad overwhelmed right now.

I need to talk to Tara.

Fortunately, I'm practically a midwife,

ready to help Charmaine through the miracle of birth.

Yeah, I hear T fucked up the miracle of birth...

and the car, which is why I want to talk to my wife.

We are about to witness

a beautiful and life-changing event, Max.

Dad, um... There's an angry cop outside

wants a word.

When you see Tara, tell her I'm feeling "a tad overwhelmed."

Hi.

Hi.

So...

How's grandma Sandy?

Oh, you know... old, scared,

clinging to a life that no longer exists.

How are you?

Just peachy.

Aaaah!

Doctor: Okay, miss Craine.

Promise me you'll let me name her.

What? No, no, no. You'll pick something stupid.

Cassandra is a beautiful name!

It has the word "ass" in it.

Aaah!

Promise me, Neil. You owe me.

Baby's head might be too big.

What?! See?!

This is all your fault, you and that giant skull of yours!

Aaaah!

Let... let... let me see.

Okay, what the hell is going on down there?

It looks like Abe Lincoln after he got shot in the face.

What?! I will get you for this, Neil.

I will pound your balls till they swell up like melons

and you have to carry them around in a testicle bjorn.

Aaaah!

All right, mama, we're gonna take you

down to the O.R., get this baby out.

E-everything's... relax. Everything's fine.

We just got a real big basketball, real small hoop.

W-what does that mean? She's getting a C-section.

Aaaah! A C-section?

Okay, okay.

Uh, hold tight, Mr. Lincoln! Help is on the way!

Oh. Thank you.

Are we completely screwed up as a family?

I mean... Aside from our wacky cousins

that live inside your head.

Well, technically, you're not related.

But...You, me, dad, and Kate...

We're...

We're okay, right?

Yeah.

Why?

I don't know. Soap ducks.

Ducks made of soap?

No... soap made of ducks.

Honey, I don't know what you're talking about.

Do you think dad would ever leave us?

What if he... he got tired of the...

Us?

Oh, he's... He's not going anywhere. He's...

You know you were born in this hospital?

Kate, too.

God, she was tough, but you...

You popped right out, straight into my arms.

Were you...You when you had us?

I mean, you weren't Buck or... or Alice?

Oh, can you imagine? God, Buck?

Seriously.

Was everything normal when you had us?

Everything was fine, Moosh.

Everything is fine.

Quite an adventure you had back there at field's market.

They have really good sheet cake.

Is everything okay? Oh, yeah.

You just crashed a couple cars

and stole a bunch of stuff from the store.

I have a baby.

A motherfucking baby!

It looks like crap...

disgusting, blood-dripping, fucking raisin monster...

but it is a motherfucking baby, and it's mine!

Whoo!

Uh-huh.

See that? I did that.

Bravo, guys.

Thank you, God, for making me gay.

Oh, bless you. Kah-choo!

Do you have a name?

We're kicking some ideas around.

Cassandra.

Which is my favorite... absolutely.

Hey, can Uncle Max have a snuggle?

Yes, Uncle Max can have a snuggle

after Uncle Max washes his hands.

Same with you, cousin what's-his-name.

And you're next, aunt Tara.

Yeah.

Oh.

I don't...really think that's a good idea.

No, doctor said it's okay, baby.

Tara: I could just...

I mean, everyone's right here.

I could just... Hold her for a second.

I'm really not comfortable with this right now.

That was t. It wasn't me.

I don't want you in here with the baby, Tara.

Okay, let's... let's just go outside...

No, I...

Come on, babe. No.

Noah: Who the hell drinks schnapps?

Marshall and Lionel: Neil.

I don't get babies.

Well, what's to get? They're little people.

Midgets are little people.

Babies are incontinent extensions

of the adult desire to rewrite history.

I love how you can be so pretentious