Hot in Cleveland

"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Owen, calm down.

I'm just a little tense

because I've got something big to tell my mom.

I'm getting married.

Congratulations!

Who's the lucky guy?

Guy? Elka, I'm not gay.

Huh.

I have a son... With a woman.

Whatever.

The thing is, you know how my mom

and her friends do crazy stuff?

I just want to make sure they don't embarrass me

at the wedding.

Hi, Owen.

Bob and I are going undercover at a swingers' sex club.

Yeah, today we're not Mom and Bob.

We're Julie and Stash.

Owen, are you okay?

Is something wrong?

I got engaged to Andrea.

That's fantastic!

Ow!

What can I do to help? Name it; It's done.

Well, Andi's parents are a little conservative,

so could you and your friends not make a scene at the wedding?

Okay, got it, no scenes.

Oh, hi, Owen. This is Barry.

My ex-husband, Clark, is on expedition in Africa,

so I have custody of our parrot for a while.

Victoria, wonderful news.

Owen's getting married.

Oh, congratulations.

Oh, congratulations.

He repeats everything he hears.

Joy's too old for leather shorts.

Oh, good, somebody lend me 20 bucks so I can pay the cab.

I'll explain in a minute.

Thanks.

I have a summons for Elka Ostrovsky.

You were seen speeding

down Euclid Avenue shooting paintballs

at women in fur coats.

That was not me.

We have your driver, Mamie Sue Johnson's

signed confession.

My wheel man squealed.

Okay, so I meet this great guy last night,

and I stay at his place.

And then he has to leave early,

so I go outside to get the newspaper,

and then the door locks behind me.

Lucky me, it's trash day, so I just made a dress

out of this trash bag.

But don't look in the back; There's a weird hole.

Weird hole?

Well, Owen, I see now why you might be a little worried

that Joy and her friends will embarrass you at the wedding.

Wedding? You're getting married?

Oh, yay! Yay, oh.

Is your father coming?

Uh, no, I tried to reach him,

but he's embedded in Afghanistan.

Bob, I was wondering if you wanted to give the toast

at the rehearsal dinner.

Give the toast?

Well, I'd—I'd love to.

Oh, no. I'm ruining my sex makeup.

Won't this be a beautiful rehearsal dinner?

Victoria's picking up the ring.

Melanie's getting the cake.

Bob's flight arrives in a few hours.

Everything is perfect.

I got the cake.

Ooh, how did it turn out?

You know how Owen's fiancée wanted a fairy tale-themed cake

with a castle and turrets?

I'm sure it's fine.

I'm probably seeing something that's not even there.

Oh, my God.

I was excited to see the cake,

but it looks like the cake is excited to see me.

Hello, everyone.

Oh, wow.

Hung like a horse.

Barry!

Okay, fine.

Last night, I watched a movie called Hung Like a Horse.

I thought it was gonna be a Western,

but it turned out to be porn.

How long did you watch it before you figured it out?

Two hours.

Mom, are you in there?

Oh, my God, Owen's here. Hide the cake.

What's wrong with the cak—

holy crap!

Cover that thing up.

Andi and her parents are right behind me.

Uh-oh.

Hello. You must be Andi. I'm Joy.

Oh!

Great to meet you, Joy.

Oh, your hands are so soft.

What's your secret?

Vaseline intensive care.

Yours are so soft too. What's your secret?

I'm 28?

Mom, these are Andi's parents, Gerald and Maureen.

It's a pleasure.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

And these are my mom's friends.

There's Melanie and—

and Elka.

Excuse me. Is that real fur?

Of course. I'd never wear faux.

So tacky, right?

Super tacky.

See you tonight at the big party.

Tonight at the big party.

Did you see that fur coat?

Why didn't I bring my paintball gun?

Victoria?

Why did you dive under the table?

I don't remember. No reason.

Okay, we have a bigger problem.

I was on the elevator with Andi a little while ago.

I didn't know it was her,

and I overheard her telling her mom

that she's got cold feet.

What if she's calling off the wedding?

What are we gonna do?

Absolutely nothing, that's what.

Plenty of brides get cold feet.

It's perfectly normal.

We are not going to get involved and risk embarrassing Owen.

Agreed.

Do you know where the nearest paint store is?

So, honey, you still want to go shoe shopping

before the ceremony?

No, I'll wear the sandals.

They go with my dress,

and I'm not really worried about having cold feet anymore.

Sweetheart, your flight got in early.

Mm-hmm.

How about I come join you?

Mm-hmm.

Simon!

Hello, Joy.

What are you doing here?

Our son's getting married.

But you're supposed to be in Afghanistan.

I know.

I thought about the whole surprising-you-in-bed thing

on the flight over, and it worked.

You seem surprised.

No, Simon.

I'm with someone else now.

It's Mitch, isn't it, that handsome devil?

No, it's not Mitch. It's Bob.

Seriously?

I'm in love with Bob,

and he's more man than you'll ever be.

You sure?

Joy, surprise.

I brought fudge from the airpo—oh.

It's not what it looks like.

Bob, it's exactly what it looks like.

Simon, I don't know what you're thinking,

but Joy is my woman now,

and if anyone's gonna be in bed with her, it's gonna be me.

Now, I suggest you leave.

I'm not going anywhere.

Oh, yes, you are.

- Oh, no, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

Stop it right now!

I can only handle one of you at a time.

Mom?

Owen.

Look, your dad's here.

And Bob.

I can see that.

I just came by to introduce you to Reverend Matsuta,

who will be officiating our wedding.

Oh, my.

So typical of Simon to appear without any warning.

Well, the good news is, Simon showing up

makes anything else that might go wrong

seem so small.

Why do you say that?

Okay, you know my job was to pick up the wedding ring,

and, well, you know how parrots are attracted to shiny things?

Barry ate the ring?

We're never gonna get it back.

Oh, don't worry.

Found the exact same ring, same size

at a pawn shop downtown.

Andi will never know.

Look, there's even a nice inscription.

"United in Satan." Victoria!