Cougar Town

Bobby's old Crab-Fest t-shirt.

What's that doing in our kitchen?

Oh, Bobby never understood

that different drawers were for different things,

- so he used to put his stuff everywhere. - That's insane.

My cousin Chestnut used to do the same thing.

That was before his own pigs murdered him.

Well, the pigs may have killed him, but it wasn't murder.

"Murder" implies forethought.

Oh.

No, he was murdered. They're gonna have a trial.

Do the pigs have pig lawyers?

No, they're human lawyers.

How do the pigs and humans communicate?

Interpreters.

Do they walk on two legs or four?

- In court, two. - Come on!

Do they make them wear little prison jumpsuits?

All right, stop it. We've had this insane conversation before.

Are you sure?

Unless I've had

the "killer pigs in court" conversation somewhere else,

yeah, I'm sure.

After six years and hundreds of stories,

you're bound to repeat one of them.

And it's nice,

as long as you love the people you're sharing the stories with.

I'm getting all choked up,

and I feel like it's a week too early for that.

Sweetie, this is never gonna end.

Of course, that's what cousin Chestnut thought.

Before his pigs shot him.

_

Jules, your dad knows

he can't sell moonshine out here, right?

Probably not, but that's his jug band.

They got hired to play a show at the plaza tomorrow night.

Hey, dad.

You excited to rock out

with The Big Ol' Jugs tomorrow?

Well, first off, The Jugs don't rock.

We blow.

And second, we just broke up.

What happened?

Our late singer, Irv, died.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

That's all right. It was natural causes.

At our age, every morning you wake up

is a pleasant surprise.

Irv's son Waz took his place,

which would have been fine

until he demanded that we put his fiancée in the band.

Is she not talented?

She's a chick.

We're men.

The Jugs have always been men.

Now we're in this Yoko Ono situation.

Oh, like the chocolate drink?

Stupid Waz.

I hate people.

Do you hate all people or just some?

Just a-holes, jagoffs,

chuckleheads, morons, and dipwads.

What's a dipwad?

Pipe down, chucklehead.

You got burned by Chick.

- Cram it, dipwad. - Mm.

I think I have a new best friend.

Oh, there's Tom. Hey, Tom.

Tom.

Aah!

Oh, hey, guys.

Um, sorry. I was just...

Oh, locating your next victim?

Uh, that's Mary.

She's the sister of a patient

I performed a ventriculostomy on last month.

She sat with him through the entire recovery,

holding hands, singing songs,

even when he was asleep.

She's like an angel.

I want to meet her. Hey, Mary!

Hey, angel face, over here.

Tom, you should have asked that girl out.

I can't.

This may come as a surprise to you all,

but I sometimes give off a creepy vibe with women.

- No. - No, that's not true.

- You? - You're exaggerating.

It's true.

- Really? No. - No, it's not possible.

- Come on! No, no. - It is.

Anyway, I've accepted I'm gonna be alone.

I'm not lucky like you guys.

You all found the person you're gonna be with forever.

Eh, we'll see.

Oh, Tom, you deserve someone special to be with,

to laugh with.

Someone who tucks their junk back and says,

"Hey, we're both girls."

What? That is bizarrely specific.

That's weird.

Tom, where'd you go?

Or are you down there in a sad ball?

Tom: Sad ball.

Okay, Tom. Phone.

We're gonna ask Mary out.

All right, Laurie, you're a textspert.

Whoo! On it. And great word, Jules.

Tom, if you're such a mess around women,

how'd you ever get married?

My late wife and I met at a New Year's Eve party.

There was, uh, music and dancing,

and somehow we got paired up.

We were dancing, and then at midnight, we kissed.

After that, I felt completely at ease with her.

It was the best moment of my life.

Aww. I remember my first kiss with Jules.

Best kiss I ever had.

Yeah, that was a great kiss.

Definitely my eighth best.

You said I was seventh, which sucked, but I got over it.

How could I have dropped?

Laurie and Ellie were having a contest

to see who had the softest lips,

and they needed a judge, so about an hour later,

Laurie joined Ellie for number-one spot,

and you dropped down to eighth.

It's because I spend every morning

doing an hour of beatbox.

Lip cardio is very important.

Whatever you're doing is working.

Mwah!

Okay, okay. How about this?

"Hey, girl. It's Doc T, the physician of your wishin'.

How about a house call?"

Definitely do not send that.

In hindsight,

maybe I should have asked for feedback before I pressed send.

Eighth! I can't be eighth!

Relax. It's just kissing.

You're still number one in the most important category.

Oh.

And, uh, what category is that?

Shoot! I should've something ready.

Ohh!

Mary thought the text was funny.

She said we should go out tomorrow.

Tom, that's amazing.

It's incredible. It's all downhill from here.

I am gonna be nervous and weird.

She's gonna think I'm creepy, walk out on the date,

and then I'm gonna have to kill myself.

Probably easier to just cancel.

Tom, take it easy.

You are built like a stepladder. Wow!

This date is gonna be fine.

We just got to get you to that first kiss

so you can relax and be yourself.

How do I get to the kiss? I'm a mess.

Do you have any romantic skills you can bring to the table?

- Let's see. I'm pretty good with turtles. - All right.

Um, one of my knees bends both ways.

Uh, I'm fluent in Gutnish,

which is a long-dead Nordic dialect.

- I'm a terrific dancer. - That's it.

Great! Wait. Uh, the Gutnish or the dancing?

Okay. This is how the date's gonna go.

You'll pick Mary up,

being very charming because I coached you on what to say.

Grayson will be close by in case you start to get weird.

You'll take a romantic bike ride into town,

and if you start to say something creepy,

just pedal faster or slower to get away from her.

You'll go to a romantic movie, where there's no talking at all.

You'll pass a man who needs help

and blow Mary's mind with your doctor skills.

Then off to drinks at the pub with friends.

I'll tell a funny story that makes everyone laugh.

When a romantic song comes on the jukebox,

you and Mary will dance.

And then you'll kiss her and say...

I've been waiting for you my whole life.

I told you it would work.

Wait, so part of your fantasy

is bragging to me that it worked.

- Yep. - But I never said that it wouldn't.

Dude, this it Tom's thing. Don't make it about you.

Yeah, pipe down, ace. For once, this is about me.

Actually, I've been doing so much planning about this,

I kind of think it's about me.

Oh, I know, sweetie.

Okay, Tom, how are you feeling?

Tom: Great. I'm gonna crush my date.

I mean, crush the date.

Less talking.

Are you wearing the shirt I got you?

- O-of course. I'm on it. - And the pants?

Turning around.

Don't worry.