United States of Tara

So, the woman in Administration said if you just sign this,

then I'm out.

Which one of you is left-handed?

That would be Buck.

You're only dropping one class?

Well, yours is the only one I've transitioned in.

There's a general psychology class I can take

and still graduate, if you just sign right there.

Too late in the semester to drop.

But the woman in Administration said...

If I sign it, which I'm not.

So, there's Buck, Alice, Chutney...

Chicken.

...Shoshana, Griffin.

Gimme.

Must be the primitive.

And, of course, I've met the resplendent T.

I have been staring at this for over a week.

I put it down. I pick it all up again.

I'm in the Olive Garden. I order crab tortellini.

Catastrophically allergic to crab.

Why do I order it? Because I'm thinking of you.

I have had thoughts.

I want to do a paper on this -- on you.

Nothing flashy -- just a dry academic one.

But I think we can help some people.

How would a paper help anyone?

Probably won't.

But I am one titillating publication away

from escaping from Overland Park.

And you -- you could be back on track

to getting what it is you want --

balance, security, peace.

What I want --

One stroke of the pen -- an "F" becomes an "A."

Don't you see what you've got here?

You've taken control.

You've dumped the co-op. You've bought the building.

You chucked the tea in the bay

and told the king to fuck off.

Grab a metaphor and come with me on this, Tara.

Look...

Read this book.

It's about a patient who I helped.

I'm not a lab rat.

No.

You're extraordinary.

This is extraordinary.

I need you to sign my drop form.

And let me think about it.

And no.

Read the book.

How goes it, big guy?

Man, for a green company,

you guys sure blow through a lot of paper.

That, my friend, is an inconvenient truth.

Want a nip?

It's 8:00 in the morning, Larry.

Kind of early for a drink.

Yeah, it's a real problem.

Hey, listen, I'm glad you're here.

Uh, we had a little issue with your time sheet.

Uh, you put in for O.T. on the Lyman job.

Yeah, 'cause now this clown wants a putting green,

so I got to dig up a tree, I got to move the thing,

replant it, level out the area --

Fuck the tree. We budgeted three days.

Cut it down. Move on to the next job.

Let me just get this straight.

A landscaping company is advocating

that I cut down a perfectly healthy tree.

Frankly...

I don't care what you do with the tree.

Put a dress on it. Take it to the movies.

I don't give a shit, but you got to move it along, Max.

Neil: Oh, I know. I know what you're saying.

You go, "Why is the giant coming to steal my poos?

"Huh?

"They're all I have to offer the world,

and you steal my poos!"

Well, let me tell you something.

I save every plasma-colored sack,

and I take them down to the basement,

where I am building a shit golem.

Yes.

He has got a head, he has got a torso,

and he has got two arms.

And when he has two legs,

he is gonna storm up out of that basement

and destroy that pink CD player

and that fucking Windham Hill CD that your mom bought.

Hey. Neil. Yes!

Front to back.

You're gonna infect your daughter's vag.

Yeah, that was my intention.

Like this.

Oh! Oh! Like that. Oh, yeah.

Did you see that? I saw that, yes.

Hey, Kate, can you get that?

Oh. Mom.

Daughter. Stewardess.

Lasagna as peace offering?

Oh, it's been a week.

Oh, I don't know. Too soon. Charmaine's a little...

Charmaine: Kate, who is it?

It's me!

Ugh. Good luck. I got to go.

First day of Skykans training. Can't be late.

Oh, I'm so proud of you. You too.

What for?

I don't know. Something to say. Love me.

You know I do.

Oh.

I heard her crying.

It's under control. Thank you.

Well, I made you some lasagna --

Meaty one for Neil, cheesy one for you.

Tara, it's too soon.

Look, I'm exhausted.

Well, that's why I can help.

No. Just let me --

I can't, okay?! It's too much!

It's all too much!

Well, I-I dropped a cla-- Well, I tried to drop a class.

'Cause you were right. I...

...Fucked it.

And I'm gonna do everything I have to do to make sure --

Did I hear "lasagna"?

Neil.

Have you tried holding her --

Under control!

Have you done this before?

Oh, yeah.

Four with American. Six with Southwest.

Third time trying here.

What went wrong?

I'm getting over a teensy bit of a drug problem.

P.S. -- If you need to buy some clean urine,

my brother Gavin is born-again.

Welcome, new faces and old.

Name tag says "Bunny."

I represent Skykans in work and in life.

Hi. What's your name?

Ka-- Don't care.

There are 20 of you here.

In a few days, there will be four.

Too wide.

Too stupid.

Too many things to mention.

Take your things. Go home.

The rest of you, let's get crackin'.

You know, I really think I like the Orgalawn way.

Oh.

Um...

I will fix that.

Yeah, you will.

Where'd you get the tree?

Some jerk-off wanted to put in a putting green.

Larry wanted me to cut it down, so I stole it.

How'd everything go with that teach?

Did you get the drop form?

No. He is so bizarre.

He now has this idea that we should work together.

He said he'd give me an "A." He's basically blackmailing me.

He's such a jerk.

He just sat there, waving his stupid book around

with this messianic glow in his eye,

like I'm gonna jump at the chance to be his new cover girl.

Fuck him -- and his book. I'm not reading it.

I mean, is he being straight with me?

How was your day?

My day was exactly the same

as every other employee of Orgalawn.

She has no idea what to do with that baby.

I woke to the birdsong of the babe,

and I thought, "Why don't I take our little scrumpet for a walk?"

Fresh air and sunshine --

Nature's recipe for a hale and hearty child.

Alice, please -- Ugh, just... I'm busy.

You need nursing pads in your bra.

Then again, you need to wear a bra,

or those breasts are going to look like

those poor women in biafra.

Alice, we've been through this.

I want you out of my home.

Just because you have issues with your sister, Charmaine,

doesn't mean I should be penalized.

Alice, you are my sister.

We have a written contract now.

I get the body when you and the baby need me.

Clearly, this is a moment when you --

I don't need you!

What part are you not getting? We will never need you.

So cruel, keeping this baby from us