Road to Zanzibar

That's for nothing, folks, and probably worth it too.

But inside is the big show.

If you're in the market for a thrill...

and if you wish to witness the most hair-raising,

spine-tingling, bloodcurdling spectacle...

ever presented on the continent of Africa,

don't fail to see Fearless Frazier.

Fearless Frazier, the living bullet!

Hurry, hurry. Come over, come over.

Think of it, folks. This human torch,

this indomitable character, soaked in kerosene and...

shot through a flaming hoop of fire far into the ocean. Chuck!

What's the matter? It's Fearless. He fainted again.

Give him the smelling salts. As I was saying...

this character, this man with nerves of steel,

is shot through a flaming hoop of fire.

Come on, Fearless. Come on, boy.

Come on, Fearless. There you are.

You're gonna be all right.

Oh, swell.

Why do I do this? Why do I do it?

You oughta see the mob outside. You're gonna clear 100 bucks.

That's why I do it.

Hey. Where were you last night?

I left you a note. Yeah, out with your grandmother.

Mm-hmm. Your grandmother crawled into bed with me at 4:00...

and had lip rouge all over his face.

Right this way, folks.

Step lively now.

There he is, the mighty Fearless Frazier.

Douse your cigarettes. Fearless is covered with kerosene...

from the tip of his head to his 12 double A 's.

And when he hits the fiery hoop in midair,

he will burst into flame before your very eyes.

Come back next week. My partner's working on an idea to make me explode in midair.

That's not a bad idea at all, Fearless.

I had to open my big mouth. Are you ready, Fearless?

Ready? Hmm?

I don't mind being drafted, but not as ammunition.

We have to be careful how we aim this instrument.

Last week we were two feet off and we sunk the S.S. Idaho.

We went right through "Ida" and there wasn't much left of"ho."

Yo-ho. Ho.

Folks, one mighty charge from this little derringer...

and Fearless Frazier will fly so far and so fast...

that his head will arrive by streamliner and his feet on a local.

If it's all the same to you, I'd like a photo finish.

All right, folks, Fearless Frazier flies again.

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

Okay.

Ready, little lady. Roll the drums, please.

All right, folks. Everybody watching?

The living bullet is on his way. Here we go!

Ohh!

That concludes the first part of our performance.

Now we all repair to the riverbank...

where we hope to find the mighty Fearless unscathed and unharmed.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Ah, there's my little man.

Won't you come in? I don't want to crowd you.

Everything all right? We have to have more room when the baby comes.

Don't pull that lever so fast. What's the matter?

You're gonna open the trap door and the dummy will come out.

Nobody will know the difference. Come on, here we go.

Wait for my legs. Here we go.

All right. We got it.

Hey, you all right? I feel fine.

Woop! I feel fine.

You all right? You got a pint of blood with ya?

I don't know how you "Svengalied" me into this.

It took my mother three years to get me to eat spinach.

Three minutes of talk from you and I'm getting fan mail from casket companies.

Here's some fan mail for you.

Do you know that 94 of those federal diplomas clinked into our till?

There's some music for you. Oh, sing out loud.

Just 94. What is the total? I'll get into the department.

We have plenty of happy cabbage. How much?

Look at that. 5,200 skins.

Those ever-loving Morgenthau mashnotes.

Beginning to add up, isn't it? We'll have enough to pay the tax.

Stick with me and if you live, we're gonna do all right.

Well, we can't miss...

Hey, where you going? Just going.

I know you're going, but with who?

With "whom." That's proper. Don't give me that stuff.

I want to know with who. With grandmother.

She told me to give you the brush.

Come here. There's a fire!

Somebody must've dropped a cigarette.

Let's get out of here. Yes, indeed. We gotta go.

Beat it! They're after ya! Who's after what for which?

Our dummy went through the big top and the carnival's on fire. Ohhh! Let's go.

Our week was up anyway.

Don't come this way. They're after you. Go the other way.

What is this? A bus station? Wait! Bring the cannon!

I'll get the cannon! Get the cann...

We take this light bulb, courtesy of the Nairobi electrical outlet.

And we place it in the mouth of the subject.

Engineers have agreed that 500 volts is fatal to a human being,

but Fearless is going to take 1,000 volts.

Are you ready? Here we go.

All right, folks. Hurry! Come over!

See Fearless Frazier, the human bat with only man-made wings.

Give 'em a flutter. His fierce character will climb 100 feet.

Like a swallow from Capistrano, he will soar to earth...

in a perfect three-point landing.

All right, men, bring it around here.

Right down here now. Easy. Woop.

Wait a minute.

Just sit it in there.

Careful, now, woop. Careful, now.

Woop, look out, men.

You all right?

Get that bench in the corner and put it on the bench.

Get this one up here. There we go.

Woop. Look out. Christmas cards?

Huh? Set it right there.

Here you are.

Hey, where you been? I've been shopping.

I know, but where? Wait'll you see what I got.

There's a million bucks inside, a million bucks!

How long can you hold your breath?

I don't know. I never tried. Well, try it.

Why? Try it!

How long did I go?

Get that outta here! It's an octopus!

That's what she is. The greatest idea I ever had.

Get this for a setup. We'll build the tank bigger.

We'll dress you up like a pearl diver... little sarong or something.

Then you wrestle with him like you did with Bonzo the bear.

Remember how we cleaned up? It'll be terrific.

Fearless Frazier wrestles with the terror of the deep.

No, sir. Wait, I mean when you're feeling better.

That thing's got eight arms. I only got one-and-a-half.

What's the matter with that? I don't like the odds.

We'll snip a couple off of him.

Wrestle an octopus? Me? Yeah.

Those things are murderous. That ain't spaghetti he's waving.

Besides, they're poison. They spit ink.

You can wrestle and write home at the same time.

I've had enough. I can't do it.

Ah-ah-ah! Junior, never say "can't."

You can do anything you think you can do.

You told me I could fly and look, a broken wing.

You tried to land downwind. You can't do that.

Why don't you slip in some night and just put a shotgun to my head?

Boy, you're slipping. You're really slipping.

I'm trying to make a big fellow outta you. They'll write books about you.

I know three words that won't be in them: "ripe old age."

It's a cinch. We'll train him. Train him?

I'd look fine swimming with a chair and a whip. You can't train an octopus.

They only know one thing. Grab you quick and suck the blood out of you.

How would I look with no blood?

Just the same.

Why not train him to knit? Knit?

He could work on four sweaters at the same time.

I'm ashamed of you, afraid of a poor little thing like this.

The man I bought him off of raised him from a polliwog.

Look, I'll show you how gentle he is.

Come on, boy. Come on.

Come on here.

Just for that you go back to the fish store. How do you like that?

Go ahead. Write a letter.

Now, listen, Fearless, I've given it a lot of thought.

We get a boa constrictor. We stun him.

You go in there with a lasso and hogtie him. I'll tell him when he comes in.

We've been kicking around the world for five years two jumps ahead of trouble.

I'm homesick! I wanna get back to Birch Falls and my relief checks.

You'll wind up in Barney Dean's Beanery blowing up bloodwurst.

If we're gonna go home, let's go home loaded.

They'll have a band meet us. And they'll be playing an awful slow tune.

What's this?

Hey, what do you think we are, a couple of round haircuts? We ordered beer.

Compliments of Mr. Kimble. Who's that?

Mr. Kimble, Kimble Diamond Mines. That's him in the box.

Cheerio! Hurray!

Good health.

You know the big yacht in the harbor? That's his.

That's ours? Mm-hmm.

It's on the cuff. Pour, brother, pour.

Ha-ha-ha. Charles, must you send champagne to strangers?

They're not strangers. They're Americans.

They look like nice fellows. I bet they'd be fun to know.

Say, you know, it's not bad stuff.

Piper Heidsieck '28. Yeah, but pipe her "heidsieck."

Oh, no, now, Junior. Here, here.

Let's get in the mood. It's a little rich for your blood.

You might break out in a rash. That's what I want,

one of the larger rashes if you don't mind.

Ah-ah-ah. Ahh. That happy juice.

Daddy, the bubbles make my nose tickle. Ooo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

Was that at this table? Go ahead, drink up.

Please, Mr. Inspector, we do not want the police here.

We are running a first-class place. Don't be disturbed.

It's a matter south of here. I'm looking for two Americans.

- Hey. - They burned down a carnival.