United States of Tara

Yes, mom.

Mm-hmm.

Mom, it'll take a minute.

I'll knock on the door, you'll open the door,

sign three copies of a contract,

we'll say something nice to each other,

and then in a week, you'll get a check,

and our lawn-care business will be history.

No, that does not mean that I'm bringing Tara.

I promise.

Love you, too, Sandy.

Okay, Tara sends her love.

Okay. I'll see you tomorrow.

I'm hanging up now.

No, mom, you hang up first.

Okay. Bye.

Oh, sweet holy fuck.

It's been two years since I've talked to that woman,

and in 10 minutes, she turns me into a fucking lunatic.

She's an artist that way.

Oh, God.

Please tell me you're looking at porn.

Well, if porn is a disastrous baby shower,

then...yeah.

Big-time porn.

What do you mean? Nobody's gonna come?

Well, you'll be there. I'll be there.

If you can get your mom out of her cave,

that makes...six.

That ain't happenin'.

Aren't you supposed to be studying right now?

I'm doing both.

I'm being a scholar and a good sister.

And a mom whose daughter is abandoning her in the morning.

I'm having trouble with that.

Yeah, some big changes on Oak Avenue.

Come on.

The flighty 19-year-old in Japan.

We are either terrible parents or...visionary parents.

I don't know.

Mm, little of both.

And sleep.

Mm.

Kate: "Dear parentals, sibling, and preggie aunt.

"I know we all agreed on a kiss and cry this morning,

"but I couldn't do it.

"I wouldn't have made it out the door,

"and I wouldn't have been able to say what I wanted to say,

"which is...This, that, and the other thing.

"First, the this...

"Thank you for putting up with my shameful ass

"this past year.

"I sucked and you ruled,

"and your patience has been super-appreciated.

"Second, the that...

"I love you.

"I don't say that nearly as much as I want to

"or as much as you, you, you, and you deserve to hear it.

"You are the best people in Kansas

"and, I suspect, the whole world,

"but I'll make my final report after I've seen more of it.

"Last, the other thing...

"A word to my soon-to-be niece.

"I am sorry I won't be there

"to see you tear open your mom's junk,

"but I promise to be back before you can walk.

"In the meantime, tell Marshall to dump Lionel,

"your mom to say yes the next time your dad asks,

"and your uncle and aunt not to worry about me.

"I'm finally using my powers for good!

"Osaka kara skibaru shigeru yol!

"Roughly translated... I will e-mail you from Osaka.

Your daughter, sister, niece, and favorite cousin, Kate."

Well, that's bullshit!

You didn't see her go?

I found it on the kitchen table, next to her house key.

The girl wanted out.

What a selfish little...

Don't say it, mom.

Bitch. Thank you.

I think the letter's sincere.

Well, it doesn't matter if it's sincere.

I'm her mother. I get a goodbye.

Well, she's taking a big risk,

and... and... and she needs our support,

in absentia or otherwise.

We should say something kind...

All of us.

I'll go first.

Sis, I am completely, utterly, totally impressed.

It's gonna be amazing.

Thank you for doing the dishes last night.

Good luck.

Yachimae.

It means "kick some ass" in Japanese.

Nice.

Tara.

Come back soon.

Don't fall in love.

And I love...

See? See? This is fucked up.

She wants tears, she can...

Take this from me.

Woman on P.A.: This is a smoke-free facility.

Solicitations inside the terminal building are prohibited.

Where are you headed?

Business in Chicago... By way of St. Louis.

St. Louis? Me too.

Same flight... St. Louis to San Francisco,

San Francisco to Osaka... Osaka, Japan.

Oh.

You know, Osaka is a lot like Chicago.

It's a real economic juggernaut.

2 1/2 million people live there,

and in the morning, another million commute there for work.

It melts the mind, don't it?

I'm going there to teach English.

That's something.

Mm-hmm.

I know that you don't know me,

but if you would have met me even a month ago,

you wouldn't believe it.

I was an f-u-c-k-i-n-g wreck!

Pardon my Japanese.

But now look at me.

Kansas City to Kansai International Airport.

That's the name of it... Kansai. Right?

Oh!

This little man-made island with terminals and some runways

surrounded by water,

and Kansas City surrounded by land.

And... and me, launched in between the two,

like a little nerf football.

It's...fated, magical, isn't it?

You said Osaka, right?

Yes.

Reporter: We have been able to receive footage from security...

Woman on P.A.: Skykans flight 484 for St. Louis, Missouri,

now boarding royale class

and members of our elite Kloudklimbers Klub.

Uhhhhhhhhhhh...

Vanilla bean, pumpkin,

pumpkin spice, chocolate.

Chocolate banana, chocolate churro.

There's a little churro inside.

How cute is that!

Uh-huh.

I can do the same thing with a red-velvet cake

with a little peppermint in the center,

kind of like a little fetus in a womb...

you know, it being a shower and all.

Ooh! That would be fantastic!

What do you think?

You know, I think I have a class in half an hour.

I'm sorry.

How many people at your party?

Around 30. Less than 10.

No, "no responses" are not nos. It doesn't matter.

Just get whatever you want. Can we just move it along?

You heard the put-upon sister. Add it up, Mike.

It's "Michelle."

I'm finishing my degree, big exams next week,

and I am feeling the pressure to ace them all.

Neil's in Missouri looking for work.

The shower is on Sunday. You promised.

"Oh, my God. I fucked up your wedding.

Let me make it up to you"... That's what she said.

It's been Michelle for over a year.

I know the shower's on Sunday. I'm here. I am helping, okay?

Am I not helping, Michelle?

Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, if your idea of helping is sighing at the florist,

grunting at the party store,

rolling your eyes every time Mike... Michelle...

Sorry.

Every time Michelle here does his... her...

I'm sorry. You need to change the box.

I know.

...To show me my dessert options, yeah, I mean, if your idea of help

is sending out a group e-mail to a guest list that I provided

and then following that up with a morning

of passive-aggressive companionship, well, then, yes.

You're helper of the year, Tara.

Cupcakes are a nifty little snack.

But that's all they really are, aren't they... snacks?

Tell me, what do you have in the way of layer cakes?

Fascinating.

Sandy: Coming. Coming. I'm coming.

Is that my Maxi-million?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Well, look at that. Look at you.

Look who went and got even taller.

Same height, ma. How you doing?

Oh, fine. Fine.

Those the papers you want me to sign? Yep.

Okay, so, can you go put them through the mail slot here?

Down here.

Hello, belt. Hello, pants.

I love getting mail. Feed me! Feed me.

I do that to the mailman.