Quintuplets

Swish !

Another with scholarship.

I just hope I can do that tomorrow during tryouts;

Don't worry you're a Chase. It's in your blood.

Unfortunately so is high cholesterol.

Is your left arm tingling ?

Hey, Parker.

Hey, Haley. What are you doing here ?

Your sister and I have been practicing smiles for cheerleading tryouts.

Do you like this one ?

Or this one ?

They're both really good.

Well, hey, I'll see you down at the gym tomorrow I'm trying out for Varsity.

- You are ? - Yeah.

- That is so cool ! - Yeah, I'm trying out, too.

That's great. Who are you ?

I'm Parker's bro Patton. P-a-t-t-o-N.

You'll need to be spelling that real loud, real soon.

- See you later, Parker. - See you. - Pattern.

All right, show me your fadeaway jump shot.

- All right. - What about me, dad ?

You ? You need to warm up.

Why don't you run around the block 25 times.

- How is that gonna help ? - Uh, right, better make it 30.

Bob, can I talk to you in the kitchen, please ?

Sure.

Bob, what are you doing ?

How can you ignore Patton like that ?

It's not easy ; he's pretty in-your-face for a guy who only comes up to your knee.

If Patton wants to try out, you should encourage him.

You know we don't play favorites.

Carol, that was fine when they were kids but they're teenagers now. Time to place our bets.

They're children, not horses.

Look, I'm sorry, but Parker might get a scholarship.

Do you know how much it costs to send five kids to college ?

- Yeah, $400,000. - That much ?!

Hey, Pearce, your brothers are trying out for basketball.

You want to get in on it ?

High school sports, huh ? No way. That's silly and juvenile.

I'm gonna be the team mascot, Cougie the cougar.

-I love Cougie the cougar. He's so cute. - Too cute.

>From this point on, I'm going to live, breathe and think like a cougar.

See, that was the problem with my predecessor. He got into the cougar suit

he never got into the cougar.

Yeah, he also got into Yale, and somehow I don't see this ending that way.

- So, what do you think ? - Oh, my old uniform !

You look so great in it. Bob, remember me in this thing ?

Yes. Often.

Thank you so much for putting my daughter in it.

Paige, I'm so excited you're gonna be a cheerleader just like me.

Well, I still have to try out. And high school is such a popularity contest.

So I'm feeling really confident.

Hey, Penny, you gonna to try out for cheerleading, too ?

Please ! I wouldn't be caught dead around cheerleaders.

If I wanted to watch a bimbo jump up and down for two hours,

I'd put Paige's hairbrush on top of the fridge.

- Good night, mom. Good night, dad. - Pearce, it's 4:30.

Well, cougars are nocturnal. I'm just trying to get on their time.

I mean, our time.

I think I'm gonna take a bath before bed.

- At least he's not into drugs. - How would we know ?

- How'd tryouts go ? You made the team ! - First string !

Oh, go cougars ! Yeah ! Ha-ha !

- How'd Patton do ? - Not so good.

The coach thought it was a practical joke for his birthday.

Paige ? Are you all right ?

- I didn't make the cheerleading squad. - Damn it !

Sorry. What happened, honey ?

They said I wasn't good. They said I stunk.

Well, did you ?

Yes, but I didn't think it would matter. I mean, I looked great today.

Like this, only happy. I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, Paige, sweetie, there's nothing to be embarrassed about.

You were competing against a lot of very talented girls.

Say hello to North Nutley's newest cheerleader.

My name is Patton ! I'm here to cheer !

All right, cougars ! Let's kick some rear !

Whoo ! Go cougars !

Well, I think we've finally found something to put an end to all the short jokes.

Oh, Patton, I am so proud of you.

You're gonna follow in my cheerleading footsteps.

Now, wait, Carol, before you start dressing him in your old uniform, uh,

I thought it was an all-female squad.

Not anymore after I didn't make the basketball team,

I was checking out the cheerleaders, and decided to show off,

and the cheer captain saw me do one of these.

And the rest is pompom history.

Isn't there a permission slip that I can refuse to sign ?

Patton, you're gonna be a cheerleader ?

Man, how do you think this is gonna look ?

Huh, like I'm surrounded by nine of the hottest girls in school.

Including Haley, who up until this point, had no idea that...

my name is Patton ! I'm here to cheer !

Worst way to die.

Pushed slowly through wire mesh by an angry elephant.

That is so twisted.

My life is over !

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't make cheerleading squad. It's so not fair.

What kind of world is it where people are rewarded for being good at things ?

- Just ? - Yeah, just for being good at things.

You know what ? Maybe I should run.

No ! Don't run she should run. Run, Paige, run !

No, I should go anyway. My mom thinks I'm in the shower.

- Do you realize what you just did ? - Yes, I blew tryouts.

I need a hug.

And I need a screen door and an elephant.

Got a crowded house, but I've got mine "cougars" on three. One, two, three... Cougars !

All right, man. Go, cougars! Go, go! Go, cougars! Go, go!

One, two ! Let's go, cougars !

Hey, Haley. Looking good out there.

- You, too, Parker. - Thanks.

Yeah, I'm kinda winded, you know. They put me up against the big guy...

Hey, Haley. We're doing shoulder-mounts.

- You and me are paired up. - Oh, great.

Ho, ho, ho. Patton... do you really think you have a shot with Haley ?

Come on ! She is a hot girl. She only dates jocks.

That's why I can finally make my move, man ; I'm on varsity.

Parker, that's one approach, okay ? But I've got my own. It's a four-phase plan.

Phase one: Teammates. Phase two: Friends.

Phase three: Lovers. Phase four: I tell everybody.

- Patton, I need you. - Phase one.

I need my bases in the front, flyers in the back.

Bases, get into your lunges. Flyers, get into position.

Okay. And mount.

Girls, remember to stabilize by squeezing your thighs.

Okay, bases, stand.

- Something wrong ? - Uh, no.

- Okay, then, stand up. - I, uh, can't. I'm, uh..a little stiff.

- Uh, leave my clipboard. - No !

Carol...

I was online looking for support groups of parents of boy cheerleaders,

and you know what I found ?

That you should be ashamed of yourself ?

No. That there are schools that actually give scholarships for cheerleading.

How wonderfully sick is that ?

Our little circus monkey is going to tumble his way right into college.

Will you stop it with the money ?

This isn't all about what you want.

It's about Patton finding something that he loves.

Hi, honey. How was cheerleading practice ?

- I'm quitting. - What ?

How could you break your mother's heart like that ?!

Okay, Carol, now just calm down.

We're just going in there to find out what happened.

Okay, just don't make me the bad cop. I'm always the bad cop.

Okay !

Patton ? What's wrong, honey ? Did something happen at practice ?

- I don't want to talk about it. - Oh, well, you're going to.

Now we can do this the easy way or the hard way.