Solar Opposites

as per "uush."

‐ Oh, you mean something awesome you tattle on me for?

‐ I'm no snitch!

‐ Then why are you getting stitches?

You both ruined the school year with your weird science.

‐ You trapped the chess team in an alternative dimension,

reanimated all the fetal pigs, and we can't prove this,

but we're reasonably confident that you gave Miss Kim a three‐month period

after she took away your glowing orb.

‐ Die! Die! Die! ‐ No, you don't. No, you don't.

‐ Yumyulack, out of 180 days of school this year,

you've been late 179 times.

then you will be expelled.

Which means you'll have to go to military school,

where the bullies will fuck you.

‐ Then don't fuck up!

I dump a Dixie cup worth of fuck juice in my pants

every time you put something on their permanent record.

Oh, that shit follows them to college.

‐ Brace yourself. I saw this on Starz.

‐ Oh, what the fu‐‐!

Terry, a‐a little help.

Really,

‐ Ohh, I'm limiting myself to three neck movements a day.

I only got one left.

the lavatic reactor needs more Aa,

and you paired your phone to the ship stereo

and I don't know how to get it off.

If I have to listen to the "Gone in 60 Seconds" soundtrack one more time‐‐

‐ Just zap yourself with the smart ray.

It takes one second.

Wait. Wh‐what are you doing?

‐ Terry, get back here. Let me shoot you with the smart ray.

‐ Ha ha! ‐ Terry!

‐ I didn't know it would break that easy.

‐ Hey, can you please trap Jesse in the hell dimension? She sucks ass.

‐ No. That dimension is for work enemies and Ansel Elgort only.

And for trash when we forget to put the bin out.

And they for sure figured out that shit with the orb.

‐ Can I just quit school? What does it matter anyway?

The Pupa is gonna evolve into its true form and destroy this planet.

Can't I just watch TV until that happens?

‐ Pepsi. ‐ L‐look, this thing is unpredictable.

It could go off in a week or in a year.

It just said "Pepsi." Who knows what's going on with it.

‐ Goddammit, Terry, you're supposed to know. You're the Pupa specialist.

‐ Whatever. ‐ All right, you two, listen,

and being smart is more important than anything else ever.

‐ Counterpoint: Korvo's stupid.

School is important 'cause it's super‐fun

and the stakes are super‐low

and there's tons of hot people there who want to party‐slash‐do finger stuff.

‐ Heck yeah, dum‐dums, school rules!

‐ There is? ‐ Yes, we could go there.

We could get smart and compete for the teacher's approval.

‐ Or we could meet cool girls, join a frat,

and never work on the ship.

‐ Or you could learn responsibility, become a better person,

and help me with the ship.

‐ Terry and Korvo, going to school for the exact same reasons.

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

Until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.

This is‐‐ this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid.

The second you point out Christ was an alien,

they get all wound up and start yelling at you,

even though he did a bunch of alien stuff.

Get with it. It's‐‐ it's no big duh.

‐ Hey, do I look cool? I think I look cool.

First day of school, baby. Whoo! ‐ Terry, stop acting like a spaz

‐ Spooky robes are not cool.

‐ You're just jealous of my swish.

Maybe this will stop you from being lazy all the time.

‐ You know, I'm not gonna even respond to that

because I'm too lazy to think of a response.

‐ Then why in God's name are you so excited to be at the school?

‐ Because I love classic college movies,

like "Monsters University," "PCU," and "The Skulls."

My plan is to do cool movie stuff and then just cheat off you

at the end of the semester.

‐ You know, you need to learn to not take shortcuts all the time, Terry.

How's that for me teeing up an episode arc for your character?

‐ You're the one who wanted me to zap myself with the smart gun.

‐ No, I won the argument. Better hurry or you're gonna be late.

And then you'll have to take a shortcut to class,

and I know how much you hate those.

I like my notes in blue ink!

‐ Make way for my peep, beggar!

‐ Not so fast!

Get his bag. What the hell?

‐ Well, this is interesting. ‐ That belongs to The Duke.

‐ Not anymore. ‐ You're dead! You're all dead!

‐ No! We don't kill.

That's what separates us from the people that do kill.

We don't‐‐ We do the opposite of what they do.

In terms of killing, we don't.

Got it?

Hello!

‐ Today's been a great day.

and I didn't have to hide in the bathroom and pretend to have a butthole.

‐ Yeah, because nobody's here. ‐ Wait, what?

Oh my God. I didn't even notice. What the hell?

Principal Cooke is trying to see if we'll be late or go to class

even when nobody's watching us.

An intense psychological mind game,

not unlike the Academy award‐winning film "Suicide Squad."

‐ You don't get in my way, buster.

‐ This is about to be the most epic challenge of our lives.

I don't want you messing me up.

‐ ‐

‐ His name was Charles Paulson Ginsburg,

but you may know him as the father of the video cassette recorder.

I know him as the father of me.

‐ Kegger at my place tonight. Real college experience.

Beers and shots and we might even steal a police horse.

‐ I'd have to get a baby‐sitter.

‐ Well, bring them kids, girl. We don't ID at Casa de Terry's.

‐ Terry, shut up.

‐ Delores, you gonna come and get tore up at my party?

‐ I have to go home and watch "NCIS."

‐This sucks.

No one's appreciated or even mentioned that I'm dressed exactly like Van Wilder,

you know, the mentor of Taj. ‐ Will you please pay attention?

‐ That's your job. Mine is to be awesome.

‐ I just missed what the C in VCR means.

It could mean anything. ‐ Man, this is bullshit.

College is supposed to be about partying all night

and getting into legal trouble but my dad's a lawyer,

so I'm walking away scot‐free.

Ohh! Hey, hey, whoa, look out!

Hey, I'm the Frisbee guy.

‐ Now let's say I have to repair a DVD player.

Is that the same as the VCR?

‐ Ohh, I wish I knew it.

‐ Terry, stop it. Nobody likes Frisbee. You look like an idiot.

‐ Hey, does the Frisbee match the drapes?

‐ I don't know, do you have the balls to find out?

‐ Thank God we got the mattress with the fabric‐encased coils.

Otherwise, I'd be bouncing all over the place.

‐ Oh yeah, I was out all night looking for a party.

Rumor had it the swim team was raging at The Rock

but it was just two homeless guys dancing.

‐ I'm in the middle of this complicated psychological test

not unlike the Academy award‐wining film "Suicide Squad."

‐ Yeah. And none of the teachers are there to tell us what to do.

‐ I'm sure that's all part of the test.

Probably just trying to get you to think outside the box.

but instead of thinking outside the box,

maybe they should be thinking outside the‐‐

but you know what we have to do.

‐ Knife fight!

‐ No, we can't hate each other like siblings.

We have to hate each other academically.

We have to be each other's teachers.

‐ Well, then look to your left and look to your right, motherfucker,

'cause I'm about to matriculate your ass.

Food caches, secret passages, and ugh,

he has his own personal '50s diner called Bop Bops.

‐ We can empty the stockpile and redistribute to the rest of the wall.

It's the perfect crime.

‐ Just like in "Ocean's Thirteen."

‐ Guys, he was also great on "Friends."

I am gonna get real with you.

I bet you didn't know Shakespeare was the original rapper.

‐ Oh, did Shakespeare live on Sedgwick Avenue

with DJ Kool Herc in the Bronx five years before the Son of Sam?

‐ Yeah, sure, that's why Shakespeare's writing is like rap.

Plus he made a bunch of money and sampled other playwrights

without giving them any credit.

‐ My tough‐yet‐relatable teaching style is breaking through your emotional armor.

‐ And how.

‐ Aah!

‐ Terry, I'm trying to study, which is what you should be doing.

‐ I am. I'm studying how to get into a drumline,

like in that movie "Whiplash."

‐ Do you have any idea what happens if you fail out of school, Terry?

‐ I assume it's some type of spanking situation.

Instead, you've left me no other choice.

no more video games, and no more Hulu,

the subscription‐based service.

‐ But Netflix doesn't have the Hulu production

of the Hulu presentation of "The Looming Tower."

How do I know what happens about "The Looming Tower," Korvo.

‐ That's the only way you'll learn.

‐ Can't you just make me glasses that allow me to see through people's bodies

so I can cheat off of them.

Wait, no, I‐I'm not helping you cut corners anymore.

You have to do this on your own. That's that arc popping its head up again.

‐ Argh! Okay. Fine.

I'll go get my books.

Dammit, I can't even shoot myself with the smart ray.

What am I gonna do?