Party Down

Happy sweet sixteen Taylor in that *** gold shit.

He fucks it up, I'm coming down to his gay fucking bakery

and take a giant shit down his hole!

His mouth hole!

- Jesus fuckin' Christ. You got kids? - Haven't met that special lady, yet.

Yeah well don't.

Nothing but bitching. Hundred bottles of custom nonalcoholic cristal,

a four thousand dollar hooker dress, and 40 grand for this asshole rapper

"Dro Grizzle" to mumble his bullshit for an hour.

- You know this rap shit? - More of a "Sting" man, myself

all to try and get one fucking smile outta that kid.

Not to worry, at Party Down we have extra smiles to pass around.

I hope the jackets fit. We had valhalla catering,

but those cocksuckers double-booked us. What?

Tell that motherfucker I'm gonna rip his dick off

and use it to fuck his fucking dog in the ass!

To death!

God it is so weird

I look like a playah in this outfit. You look like a vaudeville clown.

That's the idea.

Oh shit.

What are you doing?

My agent made me get my teeth bleached, but he didn't say it'd hurt this much.

You have got to be the biggest fucking pussy on the entire universe.

Fuck you, it kills.

Oh, wait, wait I think,

- they missed one. - Are you serious, where?

- Right there. - Dude, shit.

Oh yes, you are the biggest fuckin' pussy!

Kyle, get up. Get up please.

Our client, Leonard Stiltskin, producer,

he's throwing a sixteenth birthday for his lovely daughter Taylor.

Okay, and there's a theme. "Da club boat."

Now FYI we took over for valhalla catering.

They double-booked, their loss, our gain.

Because I wanna show Mr. Stiltskin,

what true professionalism looks like.

Like fucking ass-clown.

I feel like Lou Ferrigno in this motherfucker.

We look like we're in the gay secret service or something.

Do we seriously have to wear this shit?

Because today, we're not just serving food and beverages.

We are also dream weavers. Weaving a dream for Taylor, okay?

There are two hundred of the coolest people on a luxury boat,

a real rapper, and us.

In costume, playing the part,

because today this boat isn't just a boat,

it's a fairy-tale fantasyland,

where every boy is a "playah" and every girl a "bitch!"

Can you imagine inviting 200 people to your party and ten losers show up?

This poor girl, I mean it's her sweet sixteen.

What are you doing? You can't just stand there do something.

What should we do? This party's a bust.

It's unprofessional to just stand around.

Wipe some counters, clean some glasses. Keep busy.

- We already finished doing that stuffs. - Well do something different.

I take a shit in the middle of the dance floor

- and Kyle could clean it up? - Be professional! Go.

Dude, it stings.

Where is your fuckin' kid?

Well, find out and get 'em here!

Never in a million years. Where is she now?

She's locked in her fucking stateroom and won't come out.

The shit I go through to make that kid happy.

What do I get? A smile? Or maybe a "thank you daddy?

Bupcuss, just six figures down the fuckin' toilet.

I'll go talk to her.

Would you fuck-off with the goddamn sliders, please.

If she won't talk to her real mother. She she is not gonna talk to you

She's not going to talk to you, either. These are girl issues.

She's right.

You're a girl, right?

Go get my daughter out of the fuckin' stateroom, will ya?

I'm on it.

- Am I early? - Nope.

Shit.

Jack and ginger, then.

Henry Pollard?

- Michael? - Yeah.

Shit, man, it's been years.

- How you doing? - I'm, I'm good, how are you?

- What are you doing here? - I'm in Leonard's new movie.

You know big breakout of the indie world, so I had to come by,

make an appearance, kiss the ring.

Sure, sure, that is so great.

- Yeah, what about you? - I'm...

I'm working. You know and making money.

- All right. - Yeah, yeah, it's great,

- It's great. - Yeah.

Hi honey,

hi, Taylor?

I'm Constance, from Party Down catering.

I'm here to see if you wanted something.

I wanna die.

"Da club boat." Good times, huh?

You having fun?

Great, enjoy, it's free. Yum.

Where the hell have you been? No one's covering the buffet.

This kid's eaten practically half of it.

Okay where's your sunglasses?

I fucking walked into a wall on the way to the batroom.

I'm not wearing those things. I can't see shit.

Oh and some guy said that

- "Gruzzle" needs something? - Oh degenerate rappers.

They probably want ho's, I'll take care of it.

Watch the buffet, be professional.

Professional.

My middle name.

Come on, come on.

- They said you needed something? - I'm on the phone, give me a second.

Howard, wait. Hold on for a second Howard.

Hey can you do me a favor?

Can you check and see what time we go on stage?

'Cause we're due in Newport for another kid's bash.

- It's in our contract. - I'll go find out.

You got the number, of course I wanna see. Hold on, last time Howard.

One more thing, man?

I want you to look at something. It's a bunch of candy on the table.

Like we not kids, can we get some food, real food? Please?

Right, yes very good,

- I will get on that. - Thank you man.

Hey matter of fact, what the fuck you got up in there?

- I'm sorry? - What do you have to eat, man?

Well we have...

We have curly fries, we have chicken fingers,

we have sirloin sliders.

- That is very strong smoke. - That's the good, man,

you want some of this shit, man? We got tons.

- I'm good. - Take a hit.

No, thank you those days are behind me.

- Strictly business now. - All right suit yourself.

So...

asparagus spears and...

curly fries,

- chicken fingers and... - Said that already.

Howard, this is where you're messin' up at

you gotta spell it out to 'em. If this is a franchise

you gotta let him know the things that he should know. Hold on Howard,

- so you said you got chicken what? - Fingers.

Chicken fingers, shit.

- Did you say "franchise?" - Yeah, business term.

Yes, I know, because actually have my own...

Hey man, we really thank you for the food, man.

- That's why I'm here. - One more thing, man,

can you please find out what time we're going on?

I'm sitting here, I'm not doing nothing. It's not professional.

You're preachin' to the choir on that one.

Professionalism.

- Can I get a witness? - Is he still here?

I hear that.

- You're Edgar Allen Poe? - Yeah, a graphic novel,

it's the writer, but he's killing vampires.

It's Leonard's next movie.

You're Edgar Allen Poe?

Fuckin' up vampires in old Baltimore.

That's... that's great man, that's great.

What about you, last time I saw you you were doing good, you were doing...

those commercials with the "are we having fun yet?"

Yeah, no, that actually kinda killed my career.

- Shit. - Yeah.

That freaks me out.

I mean this guy all the talent in the world tending bar?

- I should talk to Leonard. - No, Michael, no.

Really I...

I actually read for him once and think that was enough.

And I'm done the towel has been thrown.

Leonard and I are tight.

He listens to me.

You would be perfect

for young Lincoln.

- Abraham Lincoln? - When he was a congressman,

he meets Poe helps him steal his amulet from the smithsonian.

Now it sounds dumb, but it's a great role.

All you need is one great role and boom you're back!

- Yeah? - Okay?

- Yeah it does some kind of great. - Shit, I'm telling you,

me playing Edgar Allen Poe, you tending bar, it's like...

The universe is crazy am I right?

You're friends with famous people now, you don't introduce me.

Yeah Casey this is Michael, Michael, Casey.

Michael's playing Edgar Allen Poe

In like the comic version with the vampires?

I didn't even know they were making that movie that's amazing.

- How do you know this one? - Acting school, he was the next Pacino.

I shit you not.

You never say, that you had any talent.

- He's exaggerating. - No I'm not, he was great.

And I'm gonna get him back on his feet, right?

Henry come on, you, me, here, what?

It's fate.

- It is kind of fate. - It's fate.

- Casey? - Yes.

- What'd I say about professionalism? - I don't remember.

I said...

circulate... and...

Well, let's get Constance to do it.

No I can't do that because she's in the stateroom

offering support to the birthday girl.

- She is, Constance is? - Yes she is.

Shit... okay, I'm gonna...