Better Things

Bonjour, laissez les bons temps... whatever.

- Hi! How are you? - Hi.

- I'm good. You look so handsome. - Oh, my God.

Yes, yes, yes! You're here.

You made it!

- Oh, my God. - We're so happy you came.

- Yes. - I can't believe I'm here.

I mean, I do get invited to so many gay Bolly-Billy weddings

that I finally had to cave and accept one invitation.

- Are you hungry? We're hungry. - Yes, I'm starving.

- And thirsty. - Okay, good.

'Cause we are having brunch at a very "no shit"

N'awlins legendary place.

The only catch is you'll have to eat

with some of my batshit Southern family.

I love batshit Southern families.

Uh, and my crazy Indian family.

I love crazy Indian families.

- Great. - Even better peanut butter cup.

Two great tastes that taste great together.

Perfect.

How are you today?

Okay.

Is this you folks' first time in New Orleans?

No, I'm from here. My family lives here.

I never been here before.

And now my family lives here, too.

They're getting married.

Who's getting married?

He and I are.

Oh.

Okay. Hey, man,

I'm all for the gays getting married and making families.

'Cause you gonna be a whole lot better spouses

than my ex-husbands.

How old are your kids?

25, 19 and 10.

They're my whole world.

Sweet.

- You got kids? - Three girls.

- Where's the daddy? - You tell me.

I know that's right.

Motherfucker.

Yo, my man.

Yo, go tell this fuck nigga cab driver she can't drive.

Hey, man, what's the holdup?

Come on!

He say you a "fuck nigga."

Oh, yeah?

You tell him his mammy is a fuck nigga!

Dick-sucking-ass bitch!

The fuck... He don't know who he playing with.

He better go ask some damn body.

He messing with the wrong one today, that's for damn sure.

Unfortunately, we can't seat you dressed like this.

- Oh, come on. Really? - Like what?

We require gentlemen to wear a collared shirt.

- I want you to know... - Oh, God.

- ... this is a cashmere knit top. - Mm-hmm.

Is there any way you could make an exception?

No.

- Wow. - Oh, damn.

- Really? - Well, because, you see,

these two gentlemen,

they're getting married, and this is their wedding brunch,

- so... - Congratulations, gentlemen.

However, we've been in business since 1893.

Our traditions are integral to our identity.

And this includes our dress code.

Our apologies for any inconvenience.

- Wow. - Okay.

So...

- Okay. - Whatever, let's just go.

- Our families... - Let's go. Maneesh.

You know what?

I understand.

It's not him.

This is ridiculous.

I'm offended. You know,

he only did that because we're gay.

No, he didn't. Did you see him? He's totally gay.

Uh... Really?

I mean, w-we can't brunch with our family

because of some antebellum dress code?

They only want you to wear a collared shirt

and a sports coat.

We accept your challenge!

It's okay, it'll be fun. Let's go shopping.

Okay.

- Oh. - This isn't bad.

Okay. This is nice.

Hey, guys. You know what?

I want to drink alcohol on the streets.

That's what you do in New Orleans, right?

- Yeah. - You, like, drink beer on the streets?

- Go ahead, I don't care. - Whatever.

- Find something cute. I'm just gonna go - Have fun. All right.

I think, right here.

Okay.

This place is somewhere around here...

- It's, like, one more block. - I mean, I came here... Oh!

- Jesus Chr... Oh! - Oh, my God!

- Whoa... Okay. - Oh, I'm sorry.

- That's okay. Oh... - Sorry. Use these.

- I have napkins. - Oh, I think it's beer.

This is beer, right? It smells like beer.

Right? It smells like beer.

- Thank you for the napkins. - Yeah, it's beer.

It'll come out. Except the smell.

All right, uh...

Why did you thank her?

She gave me napkins.

Hi.

- Hey. - Hi.

- You like? Is it me? - Oh, my god. So cute.

- Yeah. - You guys look so good. Let's go eat.

- Mm-hmm. - Who was that?

Uh, nobody.

- Nobody. Y-You want some beer? - I...

- You came back. - Mm-hmm.

I'll be damned.

Rarely do patrons come back with another set of clothes.

I can't tell you how impressed I am.

Thank you for being respectful.

Horace, get these lovely folks

a bottle of Bichot Burgundy on the house.

- Right this way, folks. - That's very nice.

All right.

Should make it two. This tie was frigging expensive.

Hello!

This is Sam.

- Hi. - Heard about you...

- Finally, finally. - Hi.

I'm very honored to be here.

- Welcome to New Orleans. - Thank you.

So, you start drinking early here?

Well, there's breakfast drinking, there's brunch drinking,

there's afternoon drinking and there's dinner drinking.

Sometimes there's a little bedtime nip.

I love a nip.

"This is a cashmere knit top."

I know. Don't get me started.

Is she the one that everybody...

She's the one everyone thinks we look alike.

We used to look like twins growing up.

Well, that's just 'cause I wore your clothes

- all the time. - And then you... Well...

- Maneesh. - Cheers.

- Daddy, like, a little... - Oh.

He loves. Daddy lovey.

My son is only gonna get married once. You know?

And I want to enjoy every second of it.

Dad, we're not at the wedding yet.

You can never start early enough.

He sounded a little Irish there.

"You can never start early enough."

- Well, this is an arranged marriage. - It is.

- Thank you, Mom and Dad. - What a good job.

- A woman of great taste. - Thank you. So far, it's working out.

First wedding, I think...

- We'll see how it goes. - Aw.

You're gonna be with me forever.

- With that face. - I need... I need more wine.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I know you. I know you! I know you... I knew it.

You're from TV and the movies.

And I-I... you're the, uh,

I saw you... you know what? I know you, though.

I know you. I know who you are.

Yeah, I think you have me mistaken for somebody else.

- I get that a lot. - Okay. Right, sure,

uh, listen. I'm-a say something,

and don't take you this the wrong way, okay?

Okay.

I masturbated to you...

- ... more than once. - Whoa, whoa.

- Get him out of here. - What? What? Okay.

- Have some manners. - What? What?

- Just back off. - All right.

- Okay, I'm the bad guy. Okay. - Yes. Yeah.

You try to say something nice...

- Wow. - "Try to say something nice"?

- My God. - What the hell was that?

- I'm so sorry. - It's okay, Miss Louise.

Uh-uh. Somebody should teach that man a lesson.

He's just drunk.

That is no excuse.

And he never even took off his hat

while he was addressing you.

No. Twice,

he has disrespected my alma mater.

And...

did he say "masturbate"?

Um... yes.

- He did say that. - Yes.

Well, nope.

- I'm gonna set that boy straight. - Oh, no, no, no, no.

Miss Louise, Miss Louise, it's not worth it.

Just stay right here.

You're gonna wake up some scary ghost in him.