Raising Hope

Hey!

Hey, you there!

Hey, hey!

Hey, person who just cut me off and almost killed me!

Hey, don't text and drive.

Don't you watch Oprah?

I mean, when she was on regular TV

before she went to channel 575, which we don't even get.

Hey!

Hey, wait!

Hey! Oh!

You are so busted.

555-0199. 555-0199.

555-0199.

555-0199.

- 555... - Shh!

What's with all the noise?!

It wasn't me; it was Mom.

I was making a fluffernutter sandwich.

555-0199.

It's the quietest of all sandwiches.

I was going to make a ham sandwich,

but I was afraid the mustard bottle might fart.

555-0199.

Oh, you made me mix up my 941 with my 1040 EZ.

Oh, where's my 702?

1040 EZ, 702... Oh, damn!

Shh!

: Why didn't you tell me he started his corporate taxes?

Oh, my God!

This can't be happening!

My gas receipts!

I can't do my taxes without my June gas receipts!

Why are you standing in my May-June-July?

Why are you living in my house?

Wyatt!

You're in town.

Oh, goody.

Yo, J-man, tell Sabrina she's about to make

the biggest mistake of her life.

Still trying to organize "Occupy Natesville"?

No. Wyatt is gonna do an internship

in Africa for a year and he's trying to get me to go with him.

To Africa?

Are you sure that's a good idea?

With all the sand, bugs, and all that "gentle" mutilation?

I mean, it's "gentle," but still, can't be pleasant.

Oh, I'm not going.

So, you're staying,

and you're going.

You're gonna love Africa.

I mean, I've only seen it in cartoons,

but it looks hilarious.

We'll talk about this later.

You're definitely going to come

once you see how good I look in a dashiki.

Hakuna matata!

Let me know if you need a ride to the airport!

James, we need to talk.

Your family's been here all day

and they're starting to push the store's loitering policy.

Quit cheating!

It's pattycake, Maw Maw.

You can't cheat at pattycake.

She sure as hell is!

Using only one hand, saving up your patties...

You're making a very powerful enemy.

Sorry, it's corporate tax time.

Dad's no good under pressure, so it's hard being home with him.

Maybe I can show Burt some tricks I've learned.

If I can do Frank's taxes, I can do anyone's.

He doesn't believe in the number eight,

and he claims a scorpion as a dependent.

Well, he won't listen to anyone when it comes to numbers.

Not even that vampire puppet on TV who likes to count.

I can't remember his name.

Hey, uh, Mom! Hope's got a little toilet paper on her shoe.

Oh, my God, that's not toilet paper!

July 15th gas receipt?!

Where is it?! Where is it?!

July 15th!

Relax. I got it.

It was stuck to the bottom of Hope's shoe.

The bottom of your shoe?

You kidding me?

Burt... For someone who watches

a lot of Baby Einstein, you're sure no baby Einstein.

Okay, that's it.

Isn't he a funny grandpa?

He sure makes some funny faces, huh?

Okay, why don't you and Maw Maw go out on the porch,

and wait for me while I talk to Grandpa,

and I'll come out and bring you some treats.

What the hell is your problem?

I don't think you know how serious this is.

Do you want the International Revenue System

all up in our business?

You saw what they did to Wesley Snipes.

Ever see him with his shirt off?

He can kick all their asses and they still threw him in prison.

You need to learn how to handle the stress.

Oh, that's easy for you to say.

You've never had my kind of stress.

And could you please not stand on April?!

This is Maw Maw's house.

You don't get to tell people what to do.

Can't we come in?

No, Maw Maw.

You can come in when I tell you to come in.

What do you mean "your kind of stress"?

Business-owner stress.

You-You're just an employee.

Excuse me, I'm "just an employee"?

That's right.

When you go to work,

it's all moppy moppy, wipey wipey.

You never even have to use your brain!

Oh, yeah, and what kind of graduation degree

do you need for mow-y mow-y, cutty cutty?

I have to make real boss decisions.

How much to pay people,

how much to charge people,

trying to remember which months have five Fridays...

Well, at least you're in control of your own future.

I'd give my left nad to be the boss.

That's exactly what someone who's never been the boss

or actually had nads would say.

No comeback, huh?

That's what I thought!

This mess should be easy for you to clean up,

since cleaning things up doesn't require a brain.

That's what I thought!

Go away!

Can't you see the sign?

Look, I've been there, buddy.

I was the treasurer of the accounting club in high school,

which, in the accounting club,

is a higher office than the president.

Let me in, Burt.

We can get through this together.

Just open the door.

Okay...

Wait.

Who are you?

It's Barney from Howdy's.

I don't know any Barney.

Burt, we've spent the last two Thanksgivings together.

I'm your son's boss.

All this time I thought it was "Arnie."

You look like an Arnie.

I feel like I missed my calling.

I mean, I'm bossy by nature.

I'm a boss in employee's clothing.

I just want to know that if I tried, I could have done it.

Don't be so down on yourself.

When you come home after a hard day's work,

and your head hits the pillow,

you can rest assured

that you have taught 35 young Americans civics...

the foundation of democracy.

Maw Maw, I'm a maid.

Oh, yeah.

Well, then you're wasting your life.

Doesn't have to be a Fortunate 500 company or anything.

Any dinky thing will do.

Look at this guy, he's his own boss.

Stained yellow apron,

cutoff jean shorts, making a living selling

ground-up pig parts shoved into a bun.

You, sir, truly represent the American Dream.

You should do it.

You should start your own business.

I might do it.

I just have no idea what that business would be.

How about starting a business

where you bore us all to death talking about this crap?

You'd make millions.

All your receipts are alphabetized from "A" to "Z."

So, if you're ever audited, all you have to do

is open this and hand it to the auditor.

Okay, try again.

Okay.

First it goes over.

No...

First it goes under...

I guess... Stay calm!

Remember, figure eight.

I'm not an accordion-file guy.

I'm not any kind of file guy.

I'm just a landscaper.

I wish I could run a business

without having to run a business.

Well, you could hire a business manager.

Okay, how about you?

No, I couldn't. Why not?

It'd be perfect; then I could do the part of the job I like.

You could do the parts I don't like.

Well, it would free you up to take more clients.

You'd make the same amount of money,

and I'd have a little extra cash for taking out the ladies