Roadkill

Serving ministers are advised never to bring lawsuits.

If you're in office, you're supposed to put up with anything, that's the deal.

But I knew, very well, that lies were being told about me.

Not because of anything I had done but because of who I am.

I am proud to be one of the few politicians

who actually comes from the same background

as the majority people I represent. And I never forget that.

So I fought... and I won.

To quote the national poet, "Thrice is he armed that hath his quarrel just."

-Thank you. -One of the country's

most popular politicians brought off the gamble of his life this afternoon

when the jury found... ...for the transport minister,

Peter Laurence, against a newspaper,

which claimed he had exploited his position in government

-for financial gain. -But the case fell apart

when key witness for the defense,

journalist Charmian Pepper, surprised the court

-by changing her story. -All right, you're welcome.

Say thank you to your counsel.

I never doubted it for a moment.

Mm, I'm glad you're happy.

It was open and shut but thanks all the same.

Hmm.

Well, that's one way to thank you.

What's he saying? Any fool could've got me off?

I don't care. They're always the best cases.

-The ones you win? -No,

the ones you when suspect your client is guilty as hell.

Still a bloody taxi. We're going to the ministry for God's sake.

Maybe, but you're not on government business,

-not formally. -Yes. So typical of them.

-You know the prime minister. -Yeah, I do. Petty.

-Charmian! -Charmian, why did you change the story?

Charmian!

Anything I say will only get me in worst trouble.

I'm not saying nothing. Thank you very much.

-Sorry. -Oh, sorry. Totally my fault. Sorry.

Everyone knows these have not been easy years.

My three years in office have coincided with a period of extreme turbulence

in Western economies. But what's pleased me...

is since we inaugurated this access scheme

at Number Ten, how British business and finance

has really stepped up to help the Conservative cause.

And we're very grateful.

We are always here to listen to your legitimate concerns.

And to help enterprise to thrive. That's our job. Thank you.

You're on good form, Dawn. Mind you, we need you in good form every day.

I don't remember begging being part of my job description.

Let me. I'm Chair of the party I ought to be swaying continents

-all I ever do is ask for money. -Ah! You and me both.

-Great to see you. -And you, Rita.

Prime Minister.

-Prime Minister. -Julia.

-How much? -This afternoon? 200,000.

Well, I endured £200,000-worth of boredom, so that's a fair exchange.

Depends if you want to win the next election.

The briefing you asked for on Peter Laurence,

-MI5 put it together. -Oh. In an hour?

It was quick because it already existed.

-What, they have their eye on him? -They'd be derelict if they didn't.

-Ah, yes, of course. Croydon. -You can't take it away from him.

All that stuff about the tough background is true.

-He's authentic. -Retail, retail, selling furniture.

Property... Oh, then politics.

And with all those thinktanks in between.

British-American Development forum.

-Is that a charity? -It was meant to be,

but the charity commissioners didn't agree.

And its purpose, aside from dodging tax?

Transatlantic understanding.

-Well, if that isn't fishy. -What do you want me to do?

Oh, it's a simple task. I've done it before.

What you do is you open a copy of Who's Who.

Look up Peter's official entry then you compare it to this.

Whatever he's left out. That's what we're looking for.

-He'll have left it out for a reason? -Oh, certainly. Whatever it is,

he'll want it to be forgotten.

And I'm happy to say, Peter Laurence is with us

after 15 rounds in the High Court, back in his weekly spot,

telling the truth and taking your calls.

Thank you very much, Mick. Good to be here.

No, I'm a member of a government and this is government policy.

No, but you--yo-- You have to forget about Brexit.

It's in the past. It was a national trauma as you call it, and--

But it's a trauma we came through.

It's over, I'm not interested in the old arguments.

The world is changing so fast, and the exciting thing is keeping up.

Brown sauce.

This... No, no, that's a good point.

I am a relaxed Conservative who admires progress.

I admire anybody who finds a cause that they genuinely believe in.

And I'm--I'm at peace with all kinds of causes.

It could've been Nelson Mandela, or the suffragettes

I don't have to agree with every word of it.

I admire anybody who just stands strong, and--and free,

and doesn't give over their life to... apology and guilt.

To me, conservatism, it's about loving the idea

-of the future. -Oh, don't you sound like a lovely man.

Yes. You pick a system to suit the team--

If I say one more word about Manchester United--

Exactly, I rose through the system,

and I want everyone else to have that chance, too.

They nearly got you this time, didn't they, Peter? In court, that newspaper.

-Right. -They nearly had you.

Well, all I can say to that, William of Walthamstow, is in your dreams.

He don't look worried to me, Billy. He looks radiant.

Okay.

You need to listen to this.

On your personal, came through yesterday.

I didn't wanna bother you till after we got the verdict.

Who is it?

It's somebody, they say, she's your daughter.

Which one? The one who doesn't speak to me?

-Or the other one who-- -Neither of them.

-Then who? -A new one. She says.

A third, other daughter.

I'll cancel all your appointments.

Is that Peter Laurence? We were told he's visiting a constituent.

-What's wrong with that? -Just that Steff lives in Tower Hamlets.

What makes you think you're my daughter?

-I don't claim to be your daughter. -Then what is this?

-I was sent by your daughter. -Where is she?

-Not ready to meet you yet. She sent me. -Is she a fellow inmate?

Let's be clear. I've got two daughters, they're both legitimate.

I know for a fact that the younger one

is studying at Leeds at the moment. I expect her to get a first-class degree

in mathematics, and I've got a pretty good idea

-of where the older one is too. -Yeah, where's that?

It's none of your business.

My friend reckons you were bit of a Jack the Lad back in the '90s,

Notting Hill, was it?

Yes, I--I lived in the Ladbroke Grove area. She could've read anywhere.

Do you remember the name of every women you slept with?

No. Do you?

Do you remember the color of every women you slept with?

I'm not gonna have this conversation,

least of all with someone I don't even know.

Hmm. You know that I have something on you

or else why would you even be here?

-You're not my daughter. -Did I say that I was though?

-Come on, let's go. -Not yet.

What do you mean "not yet"?

-Are you in on this? -I had a preliminary conversation

-with Steff last night. -Without telling me.

I wasn't gonna let you walk into anything sight unseen.

We saw you on the news, coming out of the court.

-We? -Your daughter and me.

-So she is in the prison? -So she is your daughter?

Have you been in a prison before?

Few of my constituents have ended up inside.

Mm-hmm. But you're full of stupid ideas.

-Am I? -Your party is.

-So you're not a Conservative then. -You think we're all high as balls,

drugs flown in on drones, so we can have cell parties and shoot crack.

Truth is, prison is mostly just boring.

Then it got really interesting 'cause I met your daughter.

Tell me her name.

A daughter that I don't know about.

Given that I didn't meet anyone who actually claimed to be my daughter.

No, but we did meet someone that knows an awful lot about you.

Yeah, but she said it herself, prison is boring,

they've got nothing to do except read Wikipedia.

She's obviously been prepped by someone.

I thought you handled it beautifully, Minister.

Sure, but what exactly did I handle?

Someone who might bring about a paternity suit.

Arms up, please. Thank you.

Officer, I understand the need for the security

on the way into prison but on the way out?

I just wanna be sure you're not smuggling anything out.

It's Parallax procedure, sir. Could you turn around for me?

"Parallax."

At some point, you're gonna tell me

why you think that was a risk worth taking?

I made a judgment call. I'm looking at Twitter.

There's a significant minority, who think you've already taken a blow.

As you say, "minority."

You went to court to defend your reputation.

There are some people that don't like that. They think it's un-English.

Think that politicians should suck it up

-and be good sports. -I won! I won the bloody case!

It was something we had to do and you know why.

Now a woman's threatening to remind the electorate

that you used to sleep around. Jack the Lad.

How many years since you've heard anyone say that?

Worse still, in West London?

Oh, so it's a post code offense, is it?

I'm a phony because I lived in Notting Hill.

More to the point, you've slept with so many women

that you can't even remember.

Can I just say that back then, nobody was counting.

Maybe you had a baby, maybe you didn't,

but you don't even remember what color she is. How does that look?

Promiscuity is like fashion.

In your day sex was liberation, nowadays it's exploitation.

An awful lot of angry women out there

and 100 years ago, somebody gave them the vote.

-Can I tell you something, Duncan? -Please do.

You are hopelessly stuck in the 20th century.

I've always been a rule breaker. People like me because I break the rules.