The Grand Tour

*THE GRAND TOUR* Season 03 Episode 03

Episode Title : " Columbia Special Part 2"

Look at that. That is a sturdy car, that is.

Isn't that a very popular car with the gay community?

Is it?

It's Hammond. That is Hammond.

- Is that your car? - Yes, this is my car.

Why is your car there?

Because that's where the boat dropped me off?

They got to here, wrapped it in polythene,

lobbed it over the side, me with it. That's how they do it.

What's it say on that? "Global Auto"?

Yeah, GAK.

That's what they said was the company.

I bought it from an English family

- who had bought a house in Tuscany. - Tony Blair.

- Cherie Blair. - Sting.

Every single lightweight socialist in Britain

has been in this car.

We're now leaving Cartagena

in our quest to find many interesting animals to photograph.

Well, shrimping and forest products obviously, er... pays well.

- Look at the boats out there. I know, that is amazing, isn't it?

You often see that. The most humble of commodities

and it yields just incredible wealth.

- Ooh! - (SCREECHING)

- (ENGINE CLATTERS) - Argh! - Turn it off!

It is one of the most stupid pieces of engineering ever, that truck.

Right, Jaguars, they are very difficult to spot

and very, very rare.

This is proper jungle now.

- (CLUNKS) - Oh, dear.

I think I've just lost the exhaust pipe.

What are we going to do?

People could come out here for 40 years and not see a jaguar.

Well, we could use my trap cameras.

- He parked his car there. - Yes.

- Turn it round. - Oh, that'll mess with his head.

So he comes down in the morning. Imagine his face.

He'll think he's gone mad.

One, two, three. Move it.

One, two...

Did we get any pictures?

- Right. Ah, look, there! - That's it!

There's his head, there's his head.

That's the ace of spades, the jaguar.

That's Saddam Hussein.

We've now gotta go and get his sons, Uday... and the other one.

What was his other son called?

Edgar.

With the jaguar in the bag,

our sights were set on the next target,

another rare and reclusive creature.

The spectacled bear.

We now have to drive 200 miles

to find the sort of terrain

where we're gonna be able to photograph

the king of spades, Edgar Hussein.

Paddington.

To help pass the time, entertainment was provided by James,

trying to overtake trucks in his one-litre Panda.

Right. No.

He can't see past them cos his steering wheel's on the correct side.

Cor, bloody hellfire.

So he has to lunge out of the...

and then there's this ridiculously roarty noise as he sets off.

Holy crap! Come on, car.

Oh, my God!

Oh-ho, I enjoyed watching that one.

Right, blokes, I can't keep this lorry-overtaking up all day.

- My ring piece is gonna be in tatters. - (LAUGHS)

What is wrong with this bloke?

I don't know what he's been taking, but he's all over the shop.

He's had a lot of shrimp. The man's a... an idiot.

As the day wore on, the Trump truck proved to be its usual, reliable self.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

That's not good.

That is bad.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Just had a message asking if I'd like to go back and help Mr Hammond,

er, mend his monster truck.

Let me think about that.

No, I wouldn't.

Out you come.

Air-conditioning radiator.

Useless.

Still, could be worse.

Could be him over there.

Yeah.

My guess is his brakes have failed

and he's hooked a wheel over there to stop it rolling back.

Er, is this you?

You?

Er, yeah, that, what he said.

Huh?

OK.

- Gracias. - (MAN SPEAKS LOCAL LANGUAGE)

Eventually the world's greatest linguist got his truck going...

and caught us up.

And the next morning we all woke in the pretty hill town of Villa de Leyva.

Why have you done this to all my trousers?

You said you were hot.

Well, I am now.

It's a Sunday morning in a Spanish-speaking country.

It's 8:15 am.

Chances of a trouser shop being open...?

Nil.

Jeremy.

- Morning. - How you doing?

Very good. Sorry, that's not...

James and Richard cut my trousers up.

Why do I have to be recognised here, for God's sake?

Once I'd sorted the trouser crisis, we continued onwards.

And eventually we arrived in spectacled bear country.

Right, now, listen.

Erm... - JAMES: Hohoho-ho. - There's a lot to do.

- What? - I don't like your trousers.

Well, no, at least he's trying. He's making an effort.

You should have gone the whole hog.

Maybe some nice... Hey, we're out...

We're in the outdoors, some nice chaps.

Suede, but ventilated at the back.

And that shirt. You've picked up that colour.

Have you been getting advice?

May we turn our attention to the bears now, to Paddington?

Your skin's flaking.

- You should moisturise. - It's... What?

- You should moisturise. - You should moisturise a little bit.

- Why should I moisturise? - Because your skin's flaking off.

Because you're dry. You look like something found in a pyramid.

Anyway, listen, we must turn our attention...

- We must turn our attention...

"Let's have a look at the sarcophagus.

Argh!"

"I'm not putting that in the British Museum." -(RICHARD GUFFAWS)

Rather than put up with any more of this persecution,

I insisted we saddle up and set off to look for Paddington.

I don't actually know... I've seen a picture of these bears

but I don't actually know how big they are. Are they two feet or ten feet?

I just don't know.

Keep it diagonal, obviously, while crossing these things.

- (CREAKING) - Oh, shite!

Oh-ho!

Oh-ho! Look at you with a wheel in the air!

Can we please try not to make this look like it's a problem

cos the ladies and gentlemen will think we're hopeless.

I tried to drive myself out.

Which went well.

Speed and power. -(LAUGHS) He's just dug himself a hole!

So I asked Hammond for help.

But, predictably, his pickup truck

chose that moment to go into one-wheel drive.

Oh...

Oh, dear.

There was only one solution.

- Could you give me a tow cos... - No.

No, I'm very close to coming out.

- Well, we know that. You've bought a Jeep. - Yes, no, that's...

- Oh, I see. - (LAUGHS)

Every single time I open my mouth now, you've got some reference...

No, it's great. It's good.

We're all friends.

With the rope hitched up, we were ready to go.

So I'll give you a small tug.

- Was that a gentle tug? - There we go.

And then it's down to you because I haven't got the weight to pull you, OK?

Here we go, three, two, one.

- Whoa! Exciting.

Yes, go on!

- A Fiat Panda! - Yesssss! - JAMES: Yes!

Jeremy Corbyn just pulled Freddy Mercury out.

It's a meeting of minds.

I'm not sure we're very good at fist-bumping.

With that calamity sorted,

Hammond got four-wheel drive back and we resumed our mission.

Right.

Go on a bear hunt.

Soon, however...

- (CLANKING CONTINUES) - Oh, dear.

What's up, Hammond?

I think something's broken somewhere in the drive line.

Am I now having to pull Hammond... Oh, God.

Right, and pull Hammond out.

Once my pickup had been pulled out...

I quickly found the fault.

Broken the half shaft.

Ohhh!

I think this is now a two-wheel drive.

Still, while there had been a few mishaps,

our cars were able to take us comfortably to a suitable bear-spotting point.

I've got a cool-box in the back of the Jeep full of zesty, refreshing drinks.

The temperature's perfect.

I'm not out of breath. I didn't have to walk here.

However, because the trap cameras

had been ruined by the jaguar,

this time we would need to deploy our immense patience.

Soon, however...

I'm bored!