Glee

"Madonna."

Simply saying the word aloud makes me feel powerful.

Even in voice-over, how I have worshipped her

ever since I was a little girl.

Sorry, Angie Jolie, Catherine the Great...

Madonna is the most powerful woman

to ever walk the face of the Earth.

I'm instating a new policy whereby

quite loudly, throughout the entire school day.

But blasting her delicious hooks would make it impossible

for the students to concentrate.

Ah, who cares? Madonna never finished college.

She hopped a cab for the bright lights

of New York City with 35 bucks in her pocket.

And I think we should encourage our pupils to do the same.

You say the word, and I will provide you

a list of the students I believe should be

rounded up and shipped off immediately.

I am sorry, Sue. This is insanity!

What you call insanity, I call inspiration.

Let me break it down for you.

It's been the biggest dream of my career

to pay homage to Madonna...

the woman most responsible for my take-no-prisoners

demeanor, and my subconscious tendency to always be

desperately looking for someone named Susan.

And now, my Cheerio Squad this year

finally has the talent to make that dream come true.

You will not take that dream from me.

Do you not understand

the blackmail process and how it works?

Smile.

I have your wife's phone number on speed dial.

To recap, you will be playing those Madonna hits

throughout the day at an earsplitting volume.

Understood? Santana.

What does your bracelet say?

"W.W.M.D." "What would Madonna do?"

Well, the answer to that question is usually

date a younger man.

So, let's see some arm candy, girls.

Sorry, freshmen.

You're going to have to start trolling the middle schools.

And you know why? 'Cause if you want to be

as riveting a performer as Madonna...

a skill that will nab us Nationals

this year... you're going to have to start

thinking like her, acting like her. Also...

àla Madonna, I will no longer acknowledge

that any of you have last names.

Becky Jackson. From now on,

you're just Becky... You know, it's like Madonna once said,

"I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know what I want.

If that makes me a bitch, okay."

I'm pretty sure she stole that line from one Sue Sylvester.

No, really, she stole it from me.

I said it first. Palladium. '87.

- Can I ask you guys something private? - Yes, you should move to Israel.

It's about dating. Not that I'm dating anyone.

We all know that Finn and I are no longer an item,

and for the sake of the team, I broke up with Jessie.

But let's just say I was dating someone.

Let's just say, hypothetically, we went to a Wiggles concert

last Friday night, and then because my dads

weren't home, we went up to my room

and started making out. It was erotic and romantic.

And then he said... We should do it.

- "It"? Totally. - Haven't you done it before?

No. - Have you?

- What do you think? - It's no big deal.

For a girl, it is.

What if then he got really crabby and left, and didn't even

take home the Care Bear I won him playing Skee Ball?

Would you please stop talking? You're grossing out my baby.

I just want to be ready... I know I'm getting older,

and these things are going to happen someday, but

how do I stop a guy from getting mad at me for saying "no"?

Just do what I do. Never say "no."

Oh, totally. I mean, what's the worst that can happen?

- Sorry, Quinn. - Look, girl, don't ask me.

The last guy I liked was the mayor of gaytown.

And I can't wait to get a guy

- ...Mad at me for saying "no." - We just have to accept

that guys don't care about our feelings.

Like, the other day, I was walking with Artie...

I've thought a lot about it, and I forgive you

for lying about your stutter.

However, if you're planning on getting all up on this,

I'm going to need you to make some changes.

The goth thing was two years ago, so maybe lose

the vampire makeup and consider some tighter-fitting clothing.

You've got the pow, and I believe you should work it more

if we're going to be an item. That's got to sting.

Hey, guys. I'm sorry to interrupt your little sorority,

but I couldn't help but overhearing.

Are you really having that much boy trouble?

You wouldn't understand, Mr. Shue. You're a guy.

Well, then maybe you should talk to someone else about it.

- Like Ms. Pillsbury. - I tried that.

Oh, um, that's a hot-button topic, isn't it?

I mean, when to do that.

This is the perfect chat to have with your mom.

- I have two gay dads. - Right, right... you...

How about your rabbi?

I really don't feel comfortable talking about this

with Rabbi Greenberg. Aren't you a guidance counselor?

The fact is is that women still earn 70 cents,

to every dollar that a man does for doing the same job.

That attitude starts in high school.

I don't know what to say. I mean,

I can't do this job if I don't have the kids' confidence.

Now, I get that this area of interest is, uh,

your blind spot, but I want to help you so that the next time

a girl comes in here asking those

kinds of questions, you'll be prepared. I'm not saying you need to have sex.

No! No, no, no. No, that's not what you were offering.

- Just... - Why would you offer that?

- It wasn't what I was thinking. - Wishful thinking is all that was.

I mean, what this is all really about is

teenage girls feeling like they have no power.

Right, and it makes sense, too. I mean, look at their

role models, you know? You've got Britney Spears and her shaved head.

Lindsay Lohan looks like something out of Lord of the Rings.

Ann Coulter.

Let's work together to try to find a way

to make them feel more confident about themselves.

Yeah, I like that.

Yes, we will change the world one girl at a time.

We'll be like a girl-saving team.

And maybe along the way, we can find

a way to help you, too.

"Zephyr in the sky "at night I wonder

"do my tears of mourning "sink beneath the sun?

"She's got herself a universe gone quickly

"for the call of thunder

"threatens everyone...

"And I feel like I just got home, and I feel

"And I feel like I just got home

"and I feel...

Sloppy freak show babies!

Somewhere in the English countryside,

in a stately manor home, Madonna is weeping!

Hit the showers!

Oh, hey, William.

I thought I smelled cookies wafting

from the ovens of the little elves who live in your hair.

- Wow, Sue. I'm really impressed. - Yeah, well, Madonna is legend.

And I want my girls to learn all the lessons she has to offer:

Strength, independence...

Nobody quite like the Material Girl to empower my Cheerios.

Just like your hairdresser has empowered you

to look absolutely ridiculous.

- I'll see you later, Sue. - You think this is hard?

I'm passing a gallstone as we speak! That's hard!

What comes to mind when you see that name?

- Genius. Icon. - Hall of Fame MILF.

So, we're all aware of Madonna's musical and cultural significance,

which is why this week, your assignment

is to come up with a Madonna number.

- Yes! Yes! - Uh, Mr. Shue?

As a dude, Madonna makes me kind of uncomfortable.

Yeah, she's smokin' and everything,

but can't some of us do something else?

Like the guy version of Madonna? Like, you know, Pantera?

Guys! You know, it's come to my attention

that many of you haven't been treating

the young ladies of our group very nicely lately.

You're disrespectful, bullying,

sexist, and I hate to say it, misogynistic.

I have no idea what that means.

When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a misogynist.

What it means is, put yourself in their shoes for a change.

Culturally, Madonna's legacy transcends her music,

because by and large, the subtext of her songs are about

being strong, independent

and-and confident, no matter what your sex.

But more than anything, Madonna's musical message

is about equality.

And that is something I think you guys need to work on.

Mr. Shue, I don't think we can have an honest conversation

about Ms. Ciccone without acknowledging

that her images are as indelible as her songs.

I would like to honor her contributions by tackling

a multi-media project

- with Mercedes. - Great.

- Go for it, Kurt. - I'm still not down.

And no chick intimidates Puckzilla.

I just don't think her music translates to show choir.

Really? Well I, for one, couldn't disagree more.

"Express Yourself,"go.

"Do you believe in love?

"'Cause I got something to say about it,

"and it goes something like this.

"Don't go for second best, baby,

"put your love to the test.

"You know, you know, you've got to

"make him express how he feels

"and maybe then you know your love is real.

"You don't need diamond rings

"or 18-karat gold,