Cocktail

Come on! Put it to the floor! Come on! Let's go!

Go, go!

You got this thing in second.

Here we go.

Pull over!

Pull over.

-Get over. -Slow down.

Slow down.

Come on.

Open up.

Defenders of the nation, I bid thee a fine farewell.

Make a million, buddy!

Mike, looky there!

Look at that.

Look at that. See that city out there, kid?

One day we're gonna own that town.

You and me.

What do you think of that?

Smart kid.

Next stop, Martin Boulevard.

Hey!

Uncle Pat, you'd better be careful

or you're gonna throw that back out again.

Don't worry, I can handle it. So, home from the wars, huh?

How you doin'? -Oh, I'm fine.

Servicing all the widows in the neighborhood now.

Same ol' Uncle Pat.

Flat beer from rusty pipes.

If you only knew how I missed it.

You might have changed a lot, but they sure didn't beat the wise guy out of you.

Not a chance of that.

I saved the apartment for you.

I sublet it to a couple of yuppies. They loved your mother's furniture.

They said it was quaint.

I still remember the day they came to repossess it.

So what are you going to do now?

Make a million.

In the meantime, I'll ask McDougal to give you a job.

No way!

It was good enough for your old man.

So was arthritis.

He supported a family, just like you're gonna have to do.

No, not me. I'm not falling into that trap.

Every man wakes up one fine morning with the wife and kids.

"Where'd they come from? They weren't there last time I looked."

That's 'cause most things in life, good and bad,

just kind of happen to you.

I'm gonna make things happen for me.

Sure you will.

That'll be a buck for the beer.

What? Your nephew comes home from serving his country

and he doesn't even rate a beer on the house?

You don't get rich giving things away.

Oh! How do you get rich?

I'm gonna give you your first lesson. On the house.

I've been here 25 years, never bought a drink.

Right, Eddie?

I can testify to that!

In 1 969, the Mets won the World Series.

Eddie here starts pounding on the bar, demanding a round on the house.

"Drinks for everybody," he says.

Tell him what I did.

He whacked me with a club.

Almost knocked the eye out of my head.

That's your way of making money?

Outwork, outthink, out scheme and out maneuver.

You make no friends. Trust nobody.

You make damn sure you're the smartest guy in the room

whenever the subject of money comes up.

I don't know, Uncle Pat...

It doesn't sound like too much fun to me.

Fun? You want fun, go play at the beach.

I think I'll try the city first.

Here. This'll get you there in style.

Ooh! $1 0, Uncle Pat.

Why don't you buy Eddie a binge on me, huh?

Eddie, you gotta be quicker than that.

I've aIways wanted to work on Wall Street.

I read the Journal. l know what's going on.

I'll do whatever it takes to succeed.

I appreciate that, Flanagan,

but all our professionals have college degrees.

I catch on pretty quick.

You're wasting your time.

We're not interested.

A guy like you, advertising. l have a feel for advertising.

I can look at an ad and tell you what's wrong with it.

-We need solid credentials. -A marketing degree is a prerequisite.

Try the networks.

In the Army, I spent a lot of time in communications. I think I can help you.

We need somebody who can hit the ground running.

Maybe in six or eight months, but...

You should pursue other avenues.

Maybe you should reenlist.

I believe in positive thinking. Never quit. Never say die.

I want to be part of a team.

So, what do you think?

Your résumé's completely inadequate.

I'm willing to start at the bottom.

-You're aiming too high. -I'll do anything.

You don't have experience.

I need a job.

We value education.

-We require a degree. -You should go to college.

Bar's closed, pal.

I'm looking for the manager.

What's the matter?

Find a hair in your quiche?

No, I'm looking for a job.

I see, you want to put a hair in somebody else's quiche.

-Did you get canned? -I'm looking.

Looking for something better.

Coughlin's law.

Anything else is always something better.

Coughlin's law?

Douglas Coughlin, logical negativist.

Flourished at the end of the 20th century.

Propounded a set of laws that the world generally ignored...

to its detriment. Me.

Ever work behind a bar?

My uncle's in the business.

Know how to make a Red-eye, Mr...?

Brian Flanagan. No, I haven't had the pleasure as yet.

How about a Vodka martini with a Pernod float?

I'm a fast learner.

Could you throw a 400-pound psychopath out the bar?

I guess I could if I had to.

What about a 1 00-pound ballerina that's been speeding for three days?

Open the door and let her pirouette out?

These are just some of the tasks you'll be asked to perform.

This is the Upper East Side, saloon capital of the world.

You're ready for the big time, young Mr. Flanagan.

I think I can handle it.

Get your act together!

Vodka and Rose's, please.

I got four people waiting for me.

I'm not going back there with three drinks.

I'm coming.

Absolut on the rocks,

Gilbey's and tonic and a Velvet Hammer.

This isn't what I ordered! -A Molson and a Cuba Libre.

-What was that? -A Molson and a Cuba Libre.

And I don't want it in spurts.

What is this? Hire the handicapped week?

If you're gonna sit in the water, go to Coney Island.

You want me to bite the top off this?

This has got recipes.

Ordering a Cuba Libre!

Can I please have a glass of water?

He doesn't know how to make it.

Where's my Jim Beam on the rocks?

-It's coming. In a minute. -I'm not leaving till I get my Cuba Libre.

Can I have an Orgasm? This isn't what I ordered.

A white wine.

You bitch!

Why didn't you just tell me it was a rum and Coke?

Can I have what I ordered?

A Bloody Mary. An Angel Tit.

A white wine.

Pink Squirrel.

-A Friar Tuck. -A Ding-A-Ling.

A white wine.

-Pink Squirrel. -Angel Tit.

-Dirty Mother. Can I have what I ordered?

All right! What was it that you ordered?

A martini.

What's in that?

You get 1 0 percent from the waitresses.

I don't deserve it.

Hey, schmuck. You get money from girls every day?

Listen, I'm sorry I called you a bitch.

Why? I am a bitch.

Got yourself a new disciple?

Good night, my beautiful.

Hey, frogman.

Anyone who can get money out of her is a major talent.

Come back next Thursday. I've got five shifts open.

-You're offering me a job? -Uh-huh.

The waitresses hate me.

Wait till you've given them crabs.

Then you'll really know hatred.

l'd like to discuss

the demand for money by focusing on...

the money multiplier.

Add increases in currency, deposits, reserves and bank credits.

Then we have the sum of an infinite series.

Adding these components together,

we find that they add up to one plus CU over CU plus RE.

That, simply stated, is the money multiplier.

Now, moving on...

The essential technique of bartending:

Less is more.

The less you pour, the more you score.

The boss does better, we do better.

And the customer?

Think of a customer as a hurdler thinks of a hurdle.

A means to an end.

We dazzle him with ice work. We baffle him with bottle work.

There are many ways to fool a customer.

The short pour.