Glee

what happened last week: Kurt found a video

of Sue, and the glee club posted it online.

You, my friend, are an embarrassment.

Then somebody made a "glist" of who in the glee club

was the naughtiest, so Rachel tried to seem like a bad girl

by doing a video with Finn, Puck and Jessie,

but mostly it just hurt their feelings

and the song was really, really bad.

with Shelby Corcoran and that, one time,

April Rhodes spent the night,

which totally hurt Emma's feelings.

I'm through with you.

And that's what you missed on Glee.

Who is that guy?

My mom found a mole on my head

when she was washing my hair on Friday.

Your mom still washes your hair?

She started crying about sun block

and how she's always telling me

to wear a hat when I'm cleaning pools.

So, she made me go see Dr. Friedlander, the dermatologist.

He said he had to shave my head to get a closer look at it.

It was nothing-- they maimed me over a freaking freckle!

I feel like that guy that lost all his hair,

then lost all his strength.

Samson? Agassi.

This morning, people actually had the balls

to look me in the eye.

I mean, it's just a Mohawk, right?

I'm still Puckasaurus.

Actually, I don't know if it's

the missing Mohawk or the whining,

but I am totally not turned on by you right now.

You got a problem?

Clearly, you're not a follower

of my LarryHair account on Twitter.

We've been tweeting all day about your new look.

You're like a toddler with a loose lid on his sippy cup.

No more juice.

Get ready for payback, Puckerman.

All right.

I'm human garbage.

I should just lie here until the truck comes

and let it crush me to death.

What's the point of living when I suck so bad?

Wait a second.

That black chick from Glee Club used to suck,

and now she's all kinds of popular.

# A Cheerio... #

If she can straighten herself out, I certainly can.

But how?

I'm not becoming a Cheerio.

Wait--

I don't need to be a cheerleader,

I just need to date one.

# Yeah, yeah... # Get ready, black girl from Glee Club

whose name I can't remembe right now,

the Puckster is about to make you his.

Um... wait, what are these?

My vitamin supplements.

I'm taking them three times a day.

I'm exhausted.

I even felt a tickle in the back of my throat,

and I never get sick.

Well, I just don't understand why you're so tired

all of a sudden. Because every song I sing in here is a solo.

As you know, I have perfect pitch,

which also means I have a very sensitive ear.

None of them were singing.

I knew I needed proof, so I had a little talk

with Lauren Zizes, president of the AV club.

Bug the choir room?

I'm almost offended by the simplicity of the request.

Just tell me you can do it, Zizes.

The microphones would have to be hidden.

Who's this guy? Who's this guy?

It'll cost you two boxes of Mallomars for me

and Snicker bars for my workers.

Take it or leave it, Berry.

# Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi #

# Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi #

# Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi... #

# Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi #

# Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi... #

# Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma #

# Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma #

# Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma #

# Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma #

Here are the glee club members

who are not pulling their weight.

This is half the club.

Oh, man.

Hey, sugar. Listen.

I got a proposition to make.

I did some research.

Blacks and Jews have a history of sticking up for each other.

And Wikipedia says

that King Martin Luther loved the Jews.

Okay, you just said like ten offensive things.

My point is, you're popular now.

And I got to be honest--

I need to spice up my image a little.

We should join forces.

It wouldn't take much.

Just a little light making out.

And I like a girl with curves.

You got to admit, I'm easy on the eyes.

Baby, I just am not attracted to you.

Plus, I know what you do to the girls you date.

You knock them up, and then you hang them out to dry.

Quinn and I weren't dating. She was dating someone else.

We just did the nasty.

And she understood you can't tie me down.

I'm a sex shark.

If I stop moving, I die.

Okay, I'm going to ask you to stop,

because I'm starting to get embarrassed for you.

You and me would not work out.

We have nothing in common.

You're Top 40.

I'm rhythm and blues.

I am very disappointed in you guys.

Can't believe you narced on us.

Don't get mad at me for exposing your laziness.

I'm tired of carrying all of your weight.

Regionals is in a month, guys. I'm just trying

to understand what's going on here.

Finn, why did you stop singing?

'Cause you started giving all the male leads to Jessie.

It kind of shook my confidence, you know?

What difference does it make?

Everyone knows that my job here is to look hot.

My baby hormones are making me moody.

There are so many lyrics.

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.

A glee club is about a myriad of voices

coming together as one.

All right?

This ends now.

Which is why your assignment for the week

is for each of you to come up with a song

that best represents how you see yourself--

where you are in your lives right now.

Your voice.

Then...

you're going to stand up here and sing your hearts out.

All of you.

Solos?

In front of everyone? The Glee Club

has lost its voice.

It's time for us to get it back.

I am going to kill this assignment.

If there's one thing that I know, it's my voice.

I have exactly the same vocal range

as 16th century castrato Orlando di Lasso.

But you know what he didn't have?

A song by Ms. Whitney Houston in his back pocket.

Hey, Kurt!

Dad? What are you doing here?

Is everything okay?

Oh, I'm here to pick up Finn.

I got a pair of tickets to the Reds game,

and Carole said that Finn's never been a major league game.

I mean, it's Cincinnati, so it's barely the major leagues,

but still.

And why wasn't I invited?

Are you kidding me?

Every time I sit down to watch a game, you start in on the fact

that all the players are wearing stirrup pants.

Because there's never an excuse for stirrup pants!

Okay, I'm ready. All right,

I'll meet you by the car. Okay.

This is gonna be so great.

It's gonna be great for Finn.

It means a lot to his mom, too.

Hey, I'll see you at home. I'll be home around midnight.

Girl, you got more curves than a Nissan ad.

Seriously?

That's what you came up with?

All right, guys.

Let's get things started.

As I was first on the sign-up sheet,

I'll kick things off. Okay.

I have chosen Miley Cyrus' "The Climb,"

because it's about overcoming obstacles and beating the odds.

In my case, the obstacle is you--

my lackluster teammates

who refuse to carry their own weight.

# I can almost see it #

# That dream I'm dreaming #

# But there's a voice inside my head saying #

# "You'll never reach it" #

# Every step I'm taking #

# Every move I make feels lost with no direction #

# My faith is shaking #

# But I gotta keep trying #

# Gotta keep my head held high... #

Rachel...

I think you've lost your voice.

ell ringing) Hey, Ladyface.