Wild Card

A diet Pepsi, please.

Thank you.

Could've fooled me.

Second you came in I said to myself,

"Now that's a lady who enjoys a good time."

I enjoy a good time. -(CHUCKLES)

A diet Pepsi.

Don't smoke either.

No vices?

I have plenty of vices, I just don't smoke or drink.

Plenty of vices?

Well, let's hear about them vices.

Hey, listen, Mister, thank you so much for the drink,

but I'm waiting for my boyfriend.

I would love to have some time for some heavy thinking.

Excuse me. I mean...

I wouldn't want to intrude.

Just tell me your name. Then I'm gone forever.

When I think of you walking in in that sweater, well...

I want a name to go with the frame.

-It's a little poem. -Hmm.

Yeah. You get it?

-Mmm. -Mmm.

You are one succulent lady.

And, uh...

I bet I know your vices. (LAUGHS)

-DD. -DD.

I said your name, no initial shit. Whoops.

Probably you don't swear neither.

That's my name.

My grandmother ran a Doris Day fan club.

You know what I think, DD?

You and me, we had a shot at something.

He must get all the ass he wants. (LAUGHS)

You know, your legendary boyfriend of yours.

Make you do all this heavy thinking...

And then standing you up.

If there is a boyfriend.

If you're not bullshitting me, that is.

He's gonna be here any minute.

I don't have to bullshit anyone, OK?

Let's dance.

-What? -Just you and me.

I don't want to dance.

-The Stones. You like The Stones? -No.

Well, you must like somebody.

I don't know. Mercy Gray?

Macy Gray.

-I shall put on Macy Gray. -No, no, I don't want to dance.

I'm not in the mood, thank you.

I got plenty of time.

Maybe you'll be in the mood later.

What's the matter with you? You gonna answer me?

Yeah, OK, later. Yes.

Later.

Yeah, it could be our own private little password.

-You understand? -Mmm-hmm. Yes, OK.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

The roulette pit was a zoo tonight.

These two Asians got drunk, one of them tried to urinate on me...

Let's get out of here.

Doris, I just arrived.

There's this drunk guy, he's been hitting on me.

Let's get out of here before something bad happens. OK?

You mean that bald guy there?

Forget about him.

Try to remember what we're doing here.

I picked this place 'cause it's deserted, you know?

We can think.

In town all the places are noisy and if we go to my place, or yours...

All we do is have sex.

Which is a real drag.

This is our future we're talkin' about.

Have you made a decision?

You're the best man that I've ever, ever met.

Well, it's uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

... certainly not an insult, but it's also not an answer.

What do you want me to do?

To flip a coin for my life. Is that it?

No, sweetheart, I don't mean to pressure you,

but the Caesars people have offered me a roulette pit of my own in Atlantic City.

And it's a big break.

And tomorrow's my deadline for telling them yes or no,

so you got to tell me tonight.

Don't worry about me. I'll get another break in a couple of years.

All that matters is us.

Will you come with me?

That's not what you mean when you say, "Come with me."

You mean, "Come live with me, then love me, then marry me."

Yes, yes, and yes.

Come on, Osgood, I've been married three times.

I suck at it.

The only good thing you can say is that I give great divorce.

No, the only thing you can say is that you haven't found...

It's later.

Let's dance.

We're talking here.

"Later" is our password, asshole.

Yeah, I just told him that I was gonna dance with him

so that he would go away.

All right?

All right? Let me get this right.

The girl says she wants to dance with me

and then you come along and get her to change her mind.

And then you wonder if it's all right.

You stupid? It's not all right. It's all wrong.

-Let's go, come on. -Hey, hey!

-Excuse me! -Let go! Let go!

Strong.

I like it when a woman starts out strong.

Because when I'm done... Well, they're kinda weak.

Do you like that, DD?

You told him your name?

I explained I had to say something for him to go away!

What else did you tell him when I was getting pissed on at work?

She told me a lot.

About what a prissy little whiner you are.

How you can't get it up.

I don't think you want to make me mad.

I don't care what you two want to play.

I'm getting out of here right now...

That's twice now you've touched her. Don't do it again!

I won't touch her again.

Not until she asks me.

I got one question.

Is it all right if I touch you?

-Osgood! -Oh, dear, look at that...

-I fuckin' knew it. -Give me that! Give me that!

-Hey! -All you got to do is come and get it.

It's mine and I want it.

Goddammit! Be careful with that!

Come on, let's go. Take me out of here...

That cost a lot of money, I had it made special.

Fuck the money, Osgood!

Osgood. (LAUGHS)

No one's got a fuckin' name like Osgood.

Jesus.

Son of a bitch.

Come on. Let's go, I'm scared.

Who the fuck's got a name like Osgood?

I can't help it. That guy...

- I could've handled him. - You don't want this?

I know.

Is it house trained?

Goddamn it!

I try to behave like a gentleman, Doris.

I really do, you know, but there's an animal side to everybody.

You think less of me, don't you? For walking out.

Please, how can you even say that?

I was the one who dragged you out of there.

I say that 'cause I think it's the truth.

Osgood.

No, no, no! Walk me to the car, please.

Come back! Come over here, mate.

I brought your hamster back!

Ozzie, wozzie, wozzie.

-Osgood. -Goddamn it!

That's enough!

Hey, look, I don't want this no more.

I wouldn't know what to feed it. (LAUGHS)

Osgood, come back!

Osgood, please!

Oops.

Move back.

Move back, why?

Safety precaution, let's say.

I don't need no tricks

to deal with a pee-wee shrimp fag like you.

All I need is my hands.

Osgood... -Shut up!

But, I...

Close your goddamn mouth, Doris.

No one is leaving till it's over,

and it isn't over till you say it is.

It's over. Help me up, OK?

No, no, no, don't do it!

Come on. (GROANS)

-(SIGHS) Asshole!

Fuck! Come here, you fuck!

Osgood?

OK, is it over now?

I want an answer!

It's over. Please.

I'm really a good guy.

Please, just don't hit me any more, let me be.

This is what you were afraid of?

You know what you are, pal?

You're a coward, and your breath stinks!

Now get out!

No, no, I'm a mess. I'm a mess.

Let me be the judge of that!

You're my own little hero.

Where are you going?

You touch that rag, it's over!

Rag? I thought you liked my wig.

I hate it.

It gives me confidence.

If I can't give you confidence then we might as well pack it in.