New Girl

Ooh.

Scary movie.

I hate scary movies.

Why are we watching this?

We're not watching this, Jess.

We're watching it.

So fun, hanging with the dudes...

...eating ice cream, watching scary movies.

We're not scared; we're dudes.

Shh!

You know what we should watch?

Have you guys ever seen Fame?

It's about a group of dreamers with talent to spare...

...taking New York City by storm...

...one dance number at a time...

...the cafeteria...

...the street...

Oh! Ooh!

That's so much blood.

It's spurting!

Mmm, that was good.

That guy's gonna blow himself up.

Why would that guy blow himself up?

Sorry. I saw it in the theater.

You know what else we should watch?

An American Tale.

It's about a little Jewish mouse...

...with a great big heart and a...

All right.

Wait.

Where are you guys going?

New Girl S01E04 "Naked"

Subtitle By Mikhel Corrections by Slasher2009

- Do you know where you're taking her? - No.

Do you need a list of my sexiest date spots?

You know, it's been a while for you.

Want me to stretch you out?

It's not a date, Schmidt.

Actually, I don't know what it is.

She's, uh... she's a little hard to read.

Wouldn't it be funny if we, like, went out? Like...

Do you want to go on a date? Yeah.

We, like, go for dinner...

...and, like, the two of us, like, do stuff.

- Is that a yes? - I know, right?

- Seriously, do you want to get dinner? - Right. No, I know.

Sometimes she's so ironic...

...that I think she's being serious.

I get it. Led Zeppelin is classic...

...but I mean, it's no, like, Steve Miller Band.

Steve Miller Band? "The Joker"?

Oh, yeah. No, I love The Steve Miller Band.

Hey, look. You've been out of the game for a while.

I have three date packages.

They work every time.

Package A: Close-up magic, dinner, drinks.

Package B: Close-up magic, drinks.

Package C:...

Close-up magic.

You have a date? Fun!

I want to talk to you guys about this stuff.

With Amanda.

Schmidt. Amanda?

From the bar?

Whoa! She's a looker.

Hatchie-matchie!

Yeah, I know how hot she is, Jess.

- Have you been out with anyone since Caroline? - No.

Whoa! Big-deal alert.

Scary stuff, kids.

Yeesh!

Falling rocks. Bridge out. Duck!

This is why I don't talk to you, Jess.

Nick, you're gonna be fine.

Don't worry about it.

Just, you know, suck in the gut.

What gut?

The little pooch where you keep your extra cookies.

All right.

I had a lot of adventures in this room...

...while you were gone, Winston.

How'd the job interview go?

You know, terrible.

Did you see the JWoww retweet...

...and Gaga Twitpic?

I know Word, and I can open a document...

...save it, save as...

...print...

...print preview...

She just wanted to chitchat about stuff...

I've never even heard of.

Well, you gotta get up to speed, man.

The chitchat is the interview.

I've spent the last two years of my life in Latvia.

I was playing ball year round.

I didn't read the news.

I have no idea what happened in America.

I've got interviews tomorrow.

Fill me in. What'd I miss?

From... from the past two years?

Give me the highlights. Highlights. Okay.

Uh, country's broke.

Betty White's back.

Oh, cool, cool. What about the rest of the Golden Girls?

All dead, man.

Damn. You know what? Give me your computer.

I gotta get started, man. I'm going in.

It is what it is.

Hey, Nick, can you turn down that music?

Hey, Nick, can you...

What...? What are you...?!

Oh, my God!

Look at you. You're like an animal.

- What are you watching now? - The King's Speech and Human Centipede.

Next up: Precious and David After Dentist.

I think you're doing a good job.

Okay, you know what, test me.

Pretend this is an interview. Hit me with the chitchat.

Ask me anything.

Chitchat. Let's go.

Forget it, man. Let's go!

Come on, what are you waiting for, man?

You're getting intense right now.

- You're the intense one. - I think you need to bring it down.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Something's happened.

It was totally an accident.

Not a big deal. I just want to do...

...the mature thing and come clean about it.

But, um, I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee.

What? What'd she say?

I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee...

...and his bubbles.

But it's not a big deal.

Ain't no thing.

Ain't no thaaang.

Oh, Nick, hey.

Hey.

So, that was weird, right?

I'm running out the door, Jess.

I think we should talk about it.

Talk about what?

About me seeing...

...your peen.

The peen what I saw.

Bonjour, le peen.

You're blocking the door.

Okay. Cool.

Have fun on your date.

Tell that guy to behave.

The adventure begins.

Okay. Excuse me, Jess.

That was so horrible. What am I gonna do?

He's never gonna speak to me again. I'm so embarrassed.

It's not a big deal. I've seen Nick's stuff, like, a million times.

You have?

I mean... how?

We grew up togethe...

Locker rooms, swimming pools...

...penis fights... it just happens.

Why haven't I seen it?

Why do you want to see it?

He's my best friend.

Again, why do you want to see it?

What if Nick gets into an accident?

What if he's horribly disfigured...

...and I have to identify him...

...and all that remains are his private parts?

And I'm standing there and I'm saying...

"Sorry, Officer, I can't help you...

...because no, I haven't seen his penis".

And then boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave.

Again, why do you want to see it?

What did it look like? What do you mean?

Just say when.

Just sa... serious...

Seriously? Are you s.. Are you serious?

Okay, you know what. This is impossible.

I'm starting over.

Schmidt, I need your help.

Okay... all right, Jess, fine.

What happened after you walked in?

I don't know. I kind of laughed.

Jess, you can't laugh at a naked man...

...especially Nick.

Nick is delicate...

...like a flower.

Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself.