Boston Legal

Previously on Boston Legal.

Did you know that Shirley Schmidt has a cheerleading costume?

- Sometimes, she puts it on. - Complete with pom-poms.

I would dress up and stand in front of the mirror...

in the little skirt, the white socks, the sweater.

It somehow made me feel better.

- Can you imagine Shirley doing a little cheer? - Oh, my God!

- Denny, I got in! I'm in the Coast Guard! - What?

- Am I in? - I don't know. Did you get a letter?

- I'm in! -

We're in the Coast Guard!

Over there, over there

Send the word, send the word over there

That the Yanks are coming The Yanks are coming

The drums rum-tumming everywhere

- Twenty degrees starboard. - Is that left or right?

- I mean port. Go port. Go- - Hey, I'm the captain!

Will you be quiet! It's right in front of us.

Geez.

United States Coast Guard coming aboard.

Nobody move.

You're all persons of interest.

- Who's in charge of this event? - I am.

- Do you have a permit, ma'am? - For what?

Right to assemble at sea is strictly forbidden...

without written and express authorization...

- from the United States Coast Guard. - What?

Sorry, ma'am. We're in a war. But, lucky for you...

and perhaps me later, I am the Coast Guard.

I'm gonna let it go this one time.

But I'm going to have to make a thorough inspection of your floatation devices.

- Brand-new. - Well done.

Okay, Denny. The situation is-

How did you possibly get out of your clothes so fast?

Semper paratus, my friend.

"Always prepared." Coast Guard motto.

And so it begins.

- -

Uh-huh

- All right - Boom.

Come on

Come on All right

Well, yeah

Well, yeah

Outlaw

Bethany. Yeah.

For the last seven years, I've basically had one case that's consumed me.

It's against A.B. Curtis, the tobacco company.

And how's the family?

These people have dragged me through discovery.

They've exhausted my client's money, my money.

They practically killed my client's doctor.

- He's dead, Alan. - He was a smoker?

No. But he was in his 70s.

They deposed him 13 times.

He died over the weekend just as we were about to go to trial...

no doubt from the stress of it all.

Now I don't have a doctor to testify.

I'll have to get a continuance, which they'll then turn into 10 more continuances...

while they depose my new doctor 13 more times.

I can't do it. I'm licked.

Nobody successfully sues a tobacco company.

Even if you beat them at trial, they just appeal.

Law firms go bankrupt trying to climb that hill.

You know how I feel about money, especially when it's yours.

I must say I echo Shirley's sentiment. I do. I do.

Tobacco companies specialize in two things.

One, getting people addicted to cigarettes...

and two, prolonging and protracting pretrial litigation.

I tell you, they simply make cases too burdensome, even for big firms like us.

Certainly more than could be handled by your average dwarf.

I, too, am against taking on the tobacco company...

and the firm absolutely forbids you from taking it.

Katie, Jerry, give Alan whatever help he needs.

- Best of luck. - Thank you.

Denny, I could also use your help...

- if you're up for joining. - Yeah, whatever.

- -

No comment. Nothing to say. Step aside, please.

No comment. Lawyer coming through.

Handicapped! Out of my way!

Phoebe.

Alan.

Are you joining as cocounsel?

- Yes. - Excellent.

Still married with, uh- What is it they're called?

Children.

- Right. - All rise.

32463, in the matter of...

the Estate of Michael Rhodes versus A.B. Curtis Tobacco Corporation.

The complainant alleging the civil cause of wrongful death.

This court is now in session. The honorable Milton Brody presiding.

Be seated.

Okay. Both sides stand ready?

Well, actually, Your Honor, the defense would be requesting more time.

The plaintiffhas added a witness to its list...

whom we've not had the opportunity to depose, therefore-

The witness, Your Honor, is a doctor who will only be testifying as to cause of death.

We are forced to call him because the doctor we had planned to call...

who has been called again and again and again...

died this past weekend after being deposed...

harassed and intimidated relentlessly for the last seven of his 77 years.

The fact is my, uh-

The defense has employed...

a plethora of tactics to delay and delay and delay.

I'm curious. Do you have any ideas that speed things up?

Well, surrender works quite well. And I do know how you love to wave a white flag.

- Objection! - All right, all right.

Ms. Prentice, I will give you a night-

one night to review the new witnesses that have been added to the plaintiff's list.

We will begin at 10::00 a.m. Tomorrow. Adjourned.

You know-

Once the cancer had metastasized...

it became about managing his pain, which was extreme.

Mr. Rhodes told you that he chose to smoke. Am I right, Doctor?

Why? Does that make it hurt less?

I'd like to know.

- May I continue? - Please.

There were many other cancer-causing agents...

- that Mr. Rhodes was exposed to, right? - I'm sorry.

Is that going to be your strategy- that something else killed him?

We can suspend this right now, Alan...

and go see the judge if this is all too much for you to handle.

- Don't flatter yourself. - Well, I wasn't talking about me.

Funny that you are. Something on your heart...

you'd like to share with the rest of the group? I'm sorry.

- I meant to say "On your mind." - Stop it. -

You two can get a room after the trial.

Uh, was an autopsy ever performed, Doctor?

- We didn't need an autopsy to know what killed him. - No autopsy.

- - Are you kidding?

- Miss Rhodes- - My father smoked for 50 years.

He died of lung cancer. Do you really mean to suggest-

- Ma'am, I need to- - Have you ever watched a person rot to death?

Alan, maybe you can contain your client's emotions, if not your own.

What happened to you?

All right, I'm done.

If you plan to march into that courtroom and ask for a continuance-

No. I got what I need. Did you?

- Thank you. -

Is that how you plan to try this case?

Don't start with me, Denny, all right? Do you have any idea...

how many people die every day from cigarettes?

Oh, please. What else is new?

- Tobacco kills. Big deal. - Did you just say "big deal"?

- Well, it's old news. - First of all, it's not just old news.

It's absolutely current. The tobacco industry is more powerful today-

It's boring!

What, have we all just been desensitized? Smoking kills. Whatever.

We've all just gone numb.

Why'd you say that? Who told you I went numb?

- Who said that? - What are you talking about?

You damn well-

- Did she call you? - Denny, I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

So why don't you tell me.

You have been in a bad mood all day. What is up?

Nothing's up. That's the problem.

My junk doesn't work.

I beg your pardon?

I went back to the captain's quarters...

with one of the girls from the hot tub.

- My junk failed me. - Oh.

- I'm done, Alan. - D-Denny-

I wish I were dead. I'd have made a better showing with rigor mortis.

- Dead. Done. It's over. - Denny, it happens to every guy.

- Has it happened to you? - Once.

Shh, shh, shh, shh!

- Hello. - Hello.

How'd the deposition go?

Fine. Why?

There are rumors you were horrendous.

Alan, I'm happy to support your latest tilt at the windmill.

But we know one never really beats the tobacco industry, right?

And if opportunity for settlement does come, we will take it, won't we?

It's receded! Like a turtle...

too ashamed to come out of its shell.

What?

Shirley, could I, uh, steal you for a second? It's about my penis.

It's depressed.

- L- I don't wanna involve you, but- - Don't even go there.

Okay. Okay.

Would you at least put on the cheerleader costume for me? Because-

Sorry. Have you tried jumper cables?

You think this is funny?

Okay. Would you loan me the cheerleading costume?

- Denny- - Give me a hand here, will you, Carl?

- Two witnesses total? - Bethany-

I have spent seven years preparing more than 50 experts.

Bethany, if we let this turn into a science class-

We have to prove addiction. We have to show that-

- You asked me to try this case. So let me- - Two?

I want to rest as close as I can...

to the emotion of the client's test-

- Where did she go? - She left.

I must say, Alan, two witnesses seems a bit bonkers.

I hope- I hope you haven't gone mad.

Katie, one problem we have concerning trust.

You and I haven't really had a life together yet.

Still harassing the younger associates?

So nice to see you haven't changed.