Plebs

Hello. Can we buy three tickets for the Games please?

Certainly, sir. Which event?

The one were the prisoners take on the wild beasts.

The prisoner executions, sure.

Hm. They're all sold out, I'm afraid.

More shows will be added if there's enough appetite.

From the punters or the beasts? Both.

You're welcome to add your names to the waiting list.

How about them massive chubby chickens?

The ostrich show's sold out too.

Oh, the Mr Fatty Long-Nose.

As is the elephant parade. What do you have tickets for?

The only animal show not sold out is the pig chase.

Right. What does that involve?

Guys trying to catch some greased up pigs.

That sounds absolutely mind blowing.

We're not paying to watch pigs. You can get that on a farm.

We have to see something. Three tickets for the pig chase.

That's just sold out. Oh, for fu...

I really wouldn't bother.

Nothing good happens to us. Accept it.

I will not accept it. No, sir. We've got no money.

The one with the best job is a slave. Ah, thank you.

And in the biggest city in the world,

I still can't find anyone who'll go out with me.

It's a dry patchizzle. You'll put that thing to use sooner or later.

I may as well cut it off and use it as a spare thumb.

Hey, will you be my boyfriend?

Er... Sorry. Will I...?

I need you to be my boyfriend now. Oi, you there.

Please? Ah, yes. Yes. Sure.

Are you an animal rights dickhead who's lobbing tomatoes at the area?

Excuse me, Officer. Tomatoes? Yeah.

The splatty red things? That is a criminal offence.

Even in Gaul, I imagine. But, Officer,

I've been with my boyfriend all afternoon.

Ah, yes. I'm her boyfriend. Hello.

Oh, yeah? Doing what?

We've been buying things for dinner. Haven't we, darling?

Oh... Yes! I'm cooking a romantic dinner of grapes...

..and an egg. Mm. My favourite.

If you don't mind, we really must go home and make love now.

Ooh. Er, OK.

Yeah. On you go. As you were.

Sorry.

I am sorry for kissing you.

It's fine. You can keep the tomato.

Is that it then? Have we broken up already?

I should find my other dickhead.

We are doing another protest tonight if you want to join us.

We'd love to. Meet us by the area at sunset.

I'm Marcus, by the way. Delphine.

You gonna eat that?

That was incredible.

You could see the sparks fly, right, G Man?

I was more focussing on the tomato, to be fair.

She was just using me as an alibi. She could have grabbed anyone.

But she grabbed you. It's definitely destiny, man.

I'm not sure destiny's thought this through. She's from Gaul.

She chucks tomatoes at stuff. She's a bit real.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're real. You're really real.

I think she's the Gaul for you.

No, she's not my kind of Gaul.

She's gonna be your Gaulfriend. I can feel it.

It's meant to go pink, blue, pink, blue, you fat shit.

Salve, Grumio. All right, Landlady.

What's with all the flowers? I'm gentrifying, aren't I?

The Games are in town. I'm turning this rats nest

into an exclusive urban apartment complex.

Sweet. How are you going to do that? Raise the rent, mainly.

That's another 30 a week. Cough up, beaky.

Any word from Landlord, by the way?

No, he was always crap at keeping in touch.

He's a lot worse now he's dead. We don't know that, do we?

Oh, give it a rest, gormless.

He's been on the run almost a year.

My boy's dead in a ditch by now.

Another 30 is pretty steep. Yeah.

It's what he would have wanted.

Of course I don't have tickets.

Animals are idiots. Why would anyone want to watch those divs?

The one's in the arena have got some serious talent.

Talent? Yes. For what?

Pooing where they want and licking their own privates?

No. For being cute and scary at the same time.

We knew a guy at school who could lick his own privates,

so that's not animal specific. What? No. Surely not.

Apparently, one in 20 guys can reach.

Oh, as if it's possible to reach. It is if you try hard enough.

But... I mean, that's...

You can't get anywhere near it. Look.

Stop that. Yes. Sorry. Was just making a point.

Kindly make your point at home, water boy. You dirty devil.

Yes, will do, water man. Oh, Flavia.

You haven't got any tickets for the beasts have you?

I don't need tickets. I've got a luxury box in the arena.

Whoa. How? My husband got it.

Then he got a bouncy bimbo to run off to Greece with.

Leaving both me and the box behind.

Oh, no. How big is your box, out of interest?

Any chance I could squeeze in there?

My box is narrow and snug, shredder, and I'd rather hoped to fill it

with an eligible suitor rather than some grubby goon from work.

I'm just desperate to see the beasts. I'd do anything.

Very well. Go get some sacks and ropes from the store room.

Oh, yes! Hang on.

Is this a sex thing? Quickly.

You will do yourself a mischief.

In his hasty escape,

that randy little rat left all of his crap behind, see?

Whoa! This is a lot of stuff. Indeed!

He was an avid collector of art, wine and women, as it turned out.

Take it all to the dump for me, and you can come in my box.

Can I keep any of it? There's no point. It's all broken.

This stuff here isn't. Oh, is it not? No.

You little shit! You dirty, dirty, cheating shit!

OK. I'll dump it. If you would.

I say. What do you think you're doing?

I will not tolerate fly tipping!

You can shift all that filthy clutter n'all. That includes Grumio.

What? I'm not going anywhere.

I can't have you lowering the tone.

You're worse than mould.

And you can shut your noise, girl, and all.

Thank the gods I won't have to put up with that din much longer.

You're not selling Juno? No.

Actually, I'm eating her. Right.

But she's Landlords'.

And he's dead. They'll be reunited, won't they?

Soon as I've boiled her up.

Oi! Let go!

Let go! Let go you bitey little bitch.

Right!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Bloody hell. That's a bit full on.

Finger up the bum. The only language your dumb animal speaks.

I'm getting my stew pot.

Hold up. What are you doing?

You idiot. Landlady's a total hard arse

and now you've got her goat. Literally got her goat.

She were gonna eat her, tough. Who brings a goat on a protest?

It'll be fine, man. She can bleat along with the chants.

If there are chants. We don't know, do we?

We've never protested about anything. Or ever cared about anything.

Uh-uh. Not true. We care about hot girls.

If they're protesting, so are we.

I just wanted to blend in.

Not expose ourselves as the dopey twats we obviously are.

Please calm down. We'll absolutely nail this.

You rescued a goat? That's amazing.

Oh. Yeah. Exactly.

We knew we had to intervene, didn't we, Grumio?

Our landlady was going to eat it. She fingered it up the bum.

Yeah. What? Did she? She sounds horrible.

And unhygienic. Yeah, well.

People do sick things to animals here.

Look at The Games. They're stacking elephants on top of each other.

For entertainment. No way! How many can they do?

Does it matter? They're making monkeys wear little hats.

Oh, dear me, that's... We hate that kind of thing.

Please may I have another tomato?

Sorry, cherie. We need them for the protest.

Great. Where we splatting these guys then?

We're not. We're pulping them. Ah, right. So how's that work?

Tonight's protest is more of a tableau.

So we pulp the tomatoes to look like blood

and then we smear it on our naked bodies.

Yeah, great. Sorry, what?

It's a naked protest. We're gonna lay down like slaughtered animals.

And the animals have to be naked, do they?

Animals usually are. Fair point.

Please, guys? We need more males to balance out the herd.

You'll do it, right? Big time.

Yeah, whatever. Sorry, can you give us a sec?

This is not how I want Delphine to see me naked for the first time.

You'll see her naked too. I'm sure she'll look great.

It's chilly, and broad daylight.

My penis does not fly in these conditions.

Hurry up, Marcus. I'm saving a place for you next to me.

Yeah! Sorry. Just having some trouble with my belt knot.

She'll be protesting, not checking out the size of you penoose.

She'll be protesting against the size of my penoose.

Grumio's ready, look. Yeah, I know. I'm trying not to look.

Do you need me to help you?

No thanks! It's just a granny knot.

Ooh, ey up. Centurions.

Oh, thank Jove for that. Hello, Officer.

Hi. There's a bit of a protest here. You might wanna shut it down.

Oh, not another one. What are these clowns doing this time?

Yeah, they're stripping off and covering themselves in tomato.

Oh, OK. Well that's fine then.

Wow. Is it?

They're not damaging anything, they can do what they want.

Surely they're disturbing the peace. It's pretty disturbing stuff.