Fresh Meat

And, er... how do you feel in yourself?

Sorry?

How do you feel in yourself?

Does that mean the same as, "How do you feel"? Yes.

Fine.

Although, actually, I am feeling a bit...

unhumped.

Unhappy?

That's the one.

There's this girl who I like...

like, a lot,

but she's not speaking to me, so...

Women, eh? Can't live with 'em, can't live without them.

That's good. So true.

Is that like, Buddha? Seriously? Cos if that's your own,

you should work that up into a novel or something.

So, now, you need to be aware

that taking drugs as part of a medical trial does have risks,

however small those may be.

Dude, I've gobbled blank pills knocked out by rudeboys in gas masks.

I go to un-franchised fried chicken outlets.

I think I can handle a little bit of medical testing.

Will it definitely come up? They're meeting for a big chat, JP.

Ooh, big chat. No-one likes a big chat.

Still, maybe it won't. That for the first month I was going out with Josie,

I was also going out with Heather as well?

Well, maybe it won't, so long as they don't talk about any of the following -

men, relationships, emotions,

life, what either of them have been doing, or how they've been feeling.

Yeah, so it probably will.

When's Heather getting back from Honkers?

Tomorrow, and please don't call Hong Kong "Honkers".

I know you're posh. You don't need to remind me.

Dude, can you seriously stop fiddling with your bulbs?

Regular checks, my friend.

A check a day keeps testicular cancer at bay.

Is that an official rhyme?

The best time is after a shower when the skin of the scrotum is more relaxed.

Oh, mate, I do not want to hear about how chillaxed your scrotum is.

Maybe Heather's plane will crash, then I wouldn't have to tell Josie.

I mean, I'm not saying I WANT that to happen,

but it would be great for me if it did.

Who's she flying with? Cathay Pacific.

Cathay Pacific? No dice. Oh...

Well, that's it, then. It's over.

Yep, you're fucked. So,

for the next three days, do you want to come medical trialling?

We get PAID to take drugs.

It's like a job, but... good.

Er... yeah, JP.

The man who checks his nuts once a day and won't drink unfiltered tap water?

I'll sign up for dangerous medical testing.

Hi. Just wondering if you'd read my play yet.

No worries if not.

Yep, here you go.

So, what did you think?

Obviously, since it's a 24-hour play season,

I only had 24 hours to write it, so...

No, I thought it was pretty tight. Yeah? It is tight, isn't it?

I think it's tight. Maybe too tight.

Ha. I mean, at 3am, I thought, "This is the best play ever written."

And then I made a coffee and I looked at it again and I thought,

"Actually, this might be the worst play ever written."

And then I went to the loo and I looked at it again

and I thought, "Actually, I think this might be the best play ever written."

I think Nick might make a great Ainsley.

He's got good hair and he's tall.

Oh!

What about Toby? Toby's got a great look.

Yeah, if your idea of a good look is overweight and anxious.

Exactly. Look, Candice, OK?

This is an artistic enterprise

that requires impartial decision-making.

We're casting Nick, Ewan and Josh.

You know Josh has got a girlfriend?

OK, well, maybe not Josh, then. Mm.

It's ideal, three days of loading up on free drugs,

and, get this, THEY pay YOU 600 boys.

Who's with me? 600 quid to get off your nut?

They're not recreational. They're drugs for the medical market. Ones that make your nuts swell up

and all your hairs fuse to make a horn.

Who gives a fuck about having a massive, horny head

when you've got 600 quid?

Exactly. Buy a big hat.

Two guys fell into a coma after one of these trials. You do know that?

Well, if you can't stand the heat...

What, go into a coma?

Pretty much, yeah. Well, I think it sounds great.

Really? Go with the flow, I say.

Well, you just said it then, yeah, for the first time EVER.

Maybe it'll be a bit like a spa.

Pharmaceutical Butlin's.

I could learn loads. Let's do it.

Pharmacology is not the study of how to take drugs.

That's like me studying geology by eating gravel!

OK, we get it, Howard. It's not for pussies. Don't come, then.

I'm not a pussy. I just think you're all out of your mind.

Hey, Oregon, Candice! Come with us on a three-day medical trial.

Yeah, no, we can't.

Oh, no. Why?

Well, we need to rehearse... Study.

We need to study. She said rehearse.

Yeah, she... she meant study.

That's why I need to help her,

because she doesn't even know the right word for it.

So, hang on, if you're going to be away for three days,

does that mean we have the place to ourselves?

I will mostly be at the library, reading the book I have ordered.

But I'll be eating and anti-eating here.

Don't call it anti-eating, you freak.

Just say shitting, like everyone else.

Nice one.

From scaredy-cat to drugs mule.

Three days in a confined space. I realised, it's exactly what I need.

You're going to tell her about Heather?

This is ideal, because we'll be in a secure environment with medically trained staff,

should she - not that she would - attack me.

I'll be able to tell her everything, and she won't be able to storm off,

and we can just talk and talk and talk.

And she's got no choice but to just soak it up and listen to you.

It's like torture.

But in reverse.

Nice.

Hello, Audrey. That's a nice scarf.

Morning, Howard. It's actually a snood.

Fair play.

Do you know if Principles Of Petrology

In Ultramafic And Gabbroic Rock In The Brady Glacier,

by GR Himmelberg, arrived by any chance?

It certainly has. At last.

Someone's already taken it out, though.

What fresh hell is this?

What do you think you're doing? I'm afraid I need this book.

I'm doing a thesis on the Brady Glacier. I've been waiting seven weeks for it to arrive.

So have I. So have a lot of people.

Probably just us, I'd have thought. You can't have it, so jog on.

No, I won't.

Oh, really?

And, er... what are you going to do about it, then? You pussy.

I am not a pussy.

So, why are you acting like a pussy?

Right, that's it. Outside, now.

YOU want to take this outside?

Well, given there are no drinks permitted inside the library,

and I'm about to open up a can of whup-ass,

I think we may have to.

This is going to be good. Stack of reading. Plenty of TV.

A few potentially harmful compounds.

Yeah, it's hard to know what to pack for a medical trial.

Cos I thought there might be a party at the end.

For the survivors?

Hey. Sam. What are you doing here? Mind-fuck or what?

I told you I'd be here three weeks ago, JP.

I forgot. Anyway, I'm only really here cos my crew basically dragged

me along. I'm kind of like their leader.

Oh, you're fucking kidding me?

The four of you couple up and play bridge for three days,

while I get my gooseberry on? Hey, four-way bridge is a tops idea.

You know how to play, right, Kinghead?

No, because we're not retired teachers.

Just standard contract.

No Chicago or rubber or any freaky shit like that.

I can't believe I'm stuck with boring couples.

This is like going on holiday with Fleetwood Mac.

I might head home.

No, no, Vod, don't. We won't be coupley.

We'll... we'll all share a room and muck about. It'll be a proper hoot.

Well, better be a proper hoot.

So, er... hi.

Um... full briefings in the pack.

But the overview is, this drug is still in its primary testing phase,

so, there's no mobile or Internet access,

no alcohol, cigarettes or other narcotics permitted on the premises.

OK, I'm off. Cheers, then.

Er...

Right, um...

any other questions?

Hi. Yes, what does primary testing phase mean, please?

I'll field this one, Doc. I'm a pharmacology student.

Um... the primary testing phase means that it hasn't been tested on humans yet.

Yeah, but someone will have tried it, surely? Like, one or two people?

No, that's what this is for.

Have YOU not tried it?

No, I'm the senior developer.

Of course, yeah. You only developed it. Why would YOU try it? That would be ridiculous.

Do you want to leave, Kingsley?

No, I love a trial, especially one with the possibility of a death penalty. Ha-ha!

Come on, then. What you got?

Oh, I've got... the lot.

What's going on? Everything OK, Howard?

That's right! Run home to your mummy!

This is my library now! If I see you here again, I'm taking you down!

You can run, but you can't hide!

It's no biggie. It's made you realise how much you love her.

When you're done, meet me by the pool.

There isn't a pool. The... pool table.

Or a pool table.

The table? There is a table, yes.

Meet me by the table.

So, Doc, what drugs are we using? What are they?