Adam Devine: Best Time of Our Lives

Hey, man. How are you?

Thank you. Let's do this.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Adam Devine!

Hey, how's everybody doing?

Thank you, thank you!

Thank you!

All right.

Yeah!

Thank you guys so much. Take a seat. Thank you, thank you.

Oh, my, you guys got me jacked.

I'm fully juiced for this thing.

Man, I am, I'm so excited to be here.

Thank you guys for having me. I'm gonna have a blast tonight.

We all are.

I'm so excited to be...

I can't get that excited, though, 'cause I'm an adult man now.

You know, you can't get that excited.

They will lock you up.

You can't get little-kid-level, like, geeked, you know?

Remember when you were a kid and you would, like, open up a present,

and you didn't have the vocabulary to say, like, "Thank you so much, Mama."

Or however you guys talked, I don't know.

I was kind of a weirdo.

I said things like, "Yeah, Mama.

Thank you so much, Mama."

You didn't have the vocabulary to say that, so you just went like...

You cannot make that face as an adult.

They will lock your ass up.

You can't do, like, adult-ass things like take your kid to school,

drop them off, and be like, "Enjoy your lunch today.

I made it myself!

Ham and cheese!"

They will have some questions about the quality of those meats, you know?

I made that, like, little-kid-level excited face for, like, two months,

as a child, I swear to you.

My mom, uh, gave me a super bouncy ball for my birthday.

You guys didn't have poor parents? That's cool. Uh...

She gave me this bouncy ball, right?

And for like two months straight, I was just in my driveway like...

Snatched it in midair.

That's a phrase you only use in your youth.

"Midair."

Nothing is midair as an adult.

Everything as a child is like, "I caught it midair, Mom.

It was soaring through the abyss, and I snatched midair.

Midair, Mom, midair, midair, midair."

My mom's like, "Jesus Christ."

"Of course you caught it midair, honey.

Because anything

you catch in the air...

...would technically be midair.

'Cause if you caught it on the ground,

that'd be called picking it the fuck up, you idiot, you dumb little boy."

But kids...

What's cool is that kids are still getting that level of geeked, you know,

they're still getting fully geeked, right?

Like, I was in this elevator not too long ago,

no big deal, and, uh...

Fuck stairs! Who's with me?

Stupid. Stupid.

So I'm in this elevator, and I was having a crappy day,

'cause I'm an adult, right?

So I'm wearing these boots,

and they're the shitty, asshole, adult fabric of suede.

And it was raining outside.

So I'm in this elevator, just defeated.

I'm just like, "Oh, no, not my boots!

Oh, my boots!" You know?

I wasn't verbalizing that, I'm not an idiot.

I'm not in an elevator alone going, "Boots!"

"No! Not my boots!" But I was thinking it, right?

And... And so these kids come in,

and they're, like, 13, 14...

That's a weird age, right?

Can we all agree that that is the worst age

in the human existence?

Because we're like mutants at that age.

You go from being, like, "Look at this cute little kid,"

to having an 18-month period

where you're just a human Transformer, where you're like...

Ping, ping, ping!

It's confusing, right?

It's weird for girls, obviously.

Obviously, you know?

But it's also weird for dudes.

Remember how weird, like, eighth grade was?

That was a confusing time, right?

Remember as a guy, your voice would change

suddenly just overnight, like, one day you're like...

"Wanna go play some kickball?"

And then the very next day, you're like,

"Fuck kickball, motherfucker!"

"I'm trying to get laid.

Pass the Hennessy.

"Daddy's trying to..." You guys...

You guys remember middle school, right?

Another...

Another weird thing about being a 13, 14-year-old, for... as a guy,

is like, a lot of people don't realize this,

but if you have a 13 or 14-year-old in your life,

there is a 100% chance

that their dick is hard 100% of the time.

Constantly.

And it's not always sexual, you know?

Sometimes, yeah, it is, you know.

But not always.

I remember one time, like, a gust of wind hit me just right.

Just a sexy, sexy gust, just...

Just someone slammed a car door.

It was the month of August.

I remember the heat coming off that car door. Just the...

Just hit the nape of my neck just right. Just...

And I was like...

That was confusing, you know?

I don't know about you pervs, but I didn't have sex at 13 or 14.

Or 15 or 16 or 17 or most of 18, you know?

I'm a late bloomer.

So suddenly, I just got an erection from the wind.

That's a confusing moment in a young man's life.

I was like...

"Do I want to fuck the wind?"

"Am I wind-sexual? What does this mean?"

You know?

"Wind-sexual," so stupid.

That could be, like...

Everything's so weird nowadays that that could be a real thing.

Like if you saw on CNN, you're like,

"Wind-sexualism is sweeping the nation," you'd be like, "Yeah, makes sense."

How weird... It'd be so weird and confusing

to be like the dad of a 16-year-old boy right now,

'cause your son could legitimately come out to you and be like,

"Dad, can I speak with you?"

And you're like,

"You're gay.

And I'm perfectly okay with that. That's fine for me."

And he goes, "No. Mm."

"No, that's weird that you put that on me. No, I'm not gay.

But I am fully wind-sexual."

And you would have to go, like,

"Yep."

"All right, let's get the posterboard and markers out.

We gotta march about this shit."

"Between your sister wanting to piss standing up

and you wanting to fuck the wind, we gotta march every goddamn weekend!"

"I remember when I took you to soccer practice.

It's okay."

There's a ton of kids just on a bluff

just trying to fuck the wind.

Trying to catch a good gust.

"It's El Niño season. We gotta get out there!"

Stupid.

What was I talking about?

Weed, man, it's legal in California.

Oh, you guys like weed? That's cool.

Yeah, these girls, they're getting in the elevator, right?

They're coming in the elevator. They're 13, 14.

That's a weird age for girls, 'cause girls grow so quick, right?

That's why you always see a pack of girls, they'll be a bunch of little girls

and then like one girl that's, like, three and a half feet taller than them.

She's just... You know?

They always look like they're, like... grew that far

just that afternoon.

Like, they grew three and a half feet, just like, "What's happening?"

You know?

That's what was happening. She was gigantic,

one girl that was coming in the elevator,

she was, like, my size, like, 6'2 ", 6'3", you know?

You can't tell how big I am. I'm on stage, you know?

So she comes in the elevator just all gigantic,

and her friend comes in,

and she has a mouth full of braces, you know,

and she still looks like a little girl.

You can tell she's pissed her friend's more developed,

so she's like, "Get in the fucking elevator, Becky."

"Ooh, with your 'new boobs.'

Complain about your back one more time, bitch."

Meanwhile, Becky's like, "Everything hurts!"

You know?

And I'm in the elevator going, "Not my boots!" You know?

But they were having the best time. The one little girl's telling a story.

She was like, "Oh, my God!"

"Oh,

my

God!"

And her friend's losing her mind, her friend's like...

And I'm like, "Oh, shit.

The youths are about to teach me something.

This is gonna turn my whole shitty, adult-ass day right around."

And she goes, "We were running...

We were running..."

And I'm like, "Yeah? And then what happened?"

And she goes, "We were running."

I'm like, "You said that, bitch, what's up?"

And she goes, "And there was that puddle..."

That was it, that was the end of her story.

Her friend lost her fucking mind. Her friend was like...

And I'm like, "Oh, shit,

that right there is the difference between being an adult

and being a child.