Fresh Meat

And it is my contention that we made an oral contract

in which I very clearly stated that you are not permitted on the premises.

Yes...

written communication is permissible.

Yes, I can confirm it's made its arduous journey from the letter box

to the other side of the door.

Yes, I am eating properly.

No, I am not seeing anyone, because, due to your defective genes,

I am intolerable to other human beings.

Yes, I'll see you again, no doubt.

Goodbye!

Goodbye!

Oregon? Oh, God!

What are you doing here so early? I stayed late.

I'm trying to put together a fundraiser for Tunisia.

You can't keep punishing yourself for what happened, Oregon.

What you did was terrible, but you have to move on.

Alison, I ruined our protest campaign,

I got an innocent man deported and I broke his penis.

Have you ever broken a man's penis?

I have not.

It's not a good feeling.

I've decided, for personal reasons,

to resign as President of the Union...

You're joking!

I never joke.

No, that's true, actually. You really don't.

I think you should stand as President.

Really?

I mean, God, yeah,

that does actually make perfect sense.

Listen, you've got a lot of work ahead,

but first you need to go home.

Yeah, yeah, I could do with some proper sleep.

No, you need to go home and change and then come straight back.

You've got a lot of work ahead.

Oh. OK, yeah.

I probably shouldn't sleep anyway.

I keep having that dream where everything I touch turns to blood.

JP, the bathroom is fucked. Not only is the plughole completely blocked with this...

Eugh! And when I tried to have a shower, it caught fire, which was really disorientating,

because there was water and there was fire,

and they weren't cancelling each other out.

Sounds trippy.

How are we meant to wash?

Well, we've got a hot tub!

You could just take the dead pigeon out.

Morning.

I'm boracic. Anyone want to lend me some cereal?

Don't eat mine. The slugs have been in it.

So why don't you chuck it out?

The bin's full.

So why don't you empty it?

I'm standing to be President of the Union.

Alison's given me some advice.

Alison's amazing. So you keep saying.

I know you think I'm gonna buckle, but I'm not gonna buckle.

Tell you what, I'll give you a hand with that... if you want?

Me and you, back together, like Thelma and Louise.

Yeah, OK.

I mean, obviously without the crime spree and the dying at the end?

Yeah, if you like. I've never seen it.

Still not buckling. Morning!

Oh, my God, it's Helena Bonham Carter.

Get out the Goth balls, we've got a Goth infestation!

It just expresses how I feel.

Morning, Nuts. Who are you texting?

The lady is not for buckling.

Although I just saw something move, so I am buckling.

In that case, you might as well take the others out.

I was wondering when we'd meet.

You what?

I'm Noah, we're neighbours.

Somehow I've never seen you guys emptying your bins before.

And what are you? The fucking bin police? We operate a fairly ad hoc system.

Ad hoc being Latin for, "No-one ever fucking empties the bins".

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound rude. Yeah, well, you were.

And I'm not having it, cos I've only been up ten minutes

and I've had to stand under a shower that burst into flames,

walk through slug slime and unblock a plughole full of pubes...

We've got a shower you could use.

I'm Josie. Sorry, what did you say your name was?

Noah. Noah? Yeah. Great to meet you.

Good to meet you as well. Come in. Great.

That's Dean doing the ironing, Harry's setting the table,

and that's Rob making breakfast.

Wow. Look at this place.

It's like fucking Narnia!

Mmm?

Hey.

You haven't brought me a cup of tea, have you?

No. Good.

Um... JP's mid-poo

and just realised we're out of toilet paper

and he said you might have an emergency "doomsday scenario" supply?

Is it your birthday?

Um... no.

Why didn't you tell anyone?

Because birthdays are arbitrary events full of ritualised humiliation

designed to make a small cartel of greeting card manufacturers rich.

You should have a party. What? Like a party your parents have for you when you're six,

when a so-called "magician" threatens to saw you in half,

and you - quite understandably, out of fear -

wet yourself in front of all the children from your street?

No, not like that.

And you can't let one bad experience put you off.

I was speaking hypothetically.

So, how old are you?

Wow.

How can that be?

There are a number of contributing factors.

The passing of time not being the least of them.

Well, I mean, you should celebrate your birthday.

People will want to celebrate your birthday with you.

I beg to differ.

I want you to promise me not to tell anyone.

I've gone to great lengths to delete my date of birth from the internet.

I promise I won't tell anyone.

OK.

Thank you.

Here. This is for you.

Thank you.

It's Howard's birthday, and I'm going to organise a party for him,

but don't tell him - it's going to be a surprise!

Well, that's not going to happen.

What do you mean? Because I'm standing right behind you

and I've heard your secret plans so they are no longer secret. By announcing your surprise,

you have ruined it. Oh. Sorry about that.

Never mind, we can still have a party. I do not want a party.

No-one will come to the party. He's got a point.

Of course they will, and we can have carrots and hummus, and it'll be great.

There will be no party.

There will be, so maybe it'll be a surprise after all.

It won't. Because I heard that too.

What the fuck?

JP?!

Oops.

Sorry, Nut Bush.

I appear to have dropped the iron whilst I was doing the ironing.

You never do the ironing. I know.

That's probably why I dropped the iron.

I just don't know how to iron.

JP, that iron could have really fucking hurt me.

You know what? I think it could have really hurt you.

I think the iron could have definitely hurt you.

In fact, I think that iron could have caused you some pretty major head trauma.

Did you do that deliberately?

No!

No, why... Why would I do that?!

Why would I want to hurt pretty little Kingsley?

JP, I've already told you, there's nothing going on with Sam.

I checked your phone.

423 text messages. To Sam.

It's not that many.

It is that many. I counted.

I told you not to go anywhere near her, and you have defied me.

You are mind-fucking her.

I am not.

Even if I was mind-fucking her, which I'm not,

because there's really no such thing as mind-fucking...

..this could have killed me.

Are you trying to kill me?

Would it make you happy if you actually killed me?

Yes. Yes, it would.

I don't think it would. Because you'd go to prison for murder.

I don't think it would make you happy to be in prison.

Do you know what they do to posh people in prison?

Let them out early?

Yeah, actually, that is probably true.

But still, you don't want to go to prison.

That's the point of prison. It's not a nice place.

Maybe it would be worth it.

It wouldn't be worth it, and you're talking very close to my face again

which I find very off-putting, by the way, and I know that's the intention, but please stop.

Well, I will stop doing it when I've run out of things to say.

Which is now.

Oh, I think I've sorted us out with a megaphone.

We don't need a megaphone.

How are we doing with the manifesto?

Yeah, "we" are doing fine.

Good, because when we've finished that,

we need to spend some time thinking about slogans.

No. No slogans.

Read my lips, no more sound bites.

Mmm. So once we brainstorm them,

I'm going to give you some acting lessons.

So, I've put the invitation up on Facebook.

We are having a H party!

Heroin? No, the letter H.

It's fancy dress themed, all around H for Howard.

Oh, right. Everyone'll be coming as Harry Potter, then.

I won't be coming as anything. Howard - you have to have a party.

OK, fine, if you're going to force me to have a party, I will have a party.

But not your party, because I have decided to have...

a LAN party.

What's a LAN party?

It's fairly self-explanatory.

Everybody links up their PCs to create a local area network or LAN.

And in this case, to facilitate a marathon session of Infiniminer.

It's a game.