Fresh Meat

This film is great.

Films are great.

Are you all right?

Not still thinking about Sam slam-dunking you in the reject bin?

No. Who's Sam? I don’t even know a Sam.

Sorry, are you tidying?

Yeah. My, er...mum's coming to stay.

You've got a mum?

Well, I say mum. She's more like my sister or my best mate.

Ooh. Reviews are in. Deep breaths.

Who wants to read them with me?

Erm...Vod’s got a mum, and she's coming to stay.

My mum is young and hot,

and if you fuck my hot young mum,

I will chop your dick into a thousand tiny pieces.

Ooh, a thousand pieces? A thousand tiny pieces.

So, you are correctly imagining that I have quite a big dick, then?

Just stay away from her. Got it?

Yes, Vod.

"It is rare to feel so bored so quickly during the opening lines of a play...

"...although, luckily, as the story got going, I found myself waking up."

Ha! See? Um...that's deliberate. Like Waiting For Godot.

"But unlike in classics such as Waiting For Godot,

"this was because I found the play so profoundly irritating

"that for the first time ever I was forced to give a show no stars."

Like I give a shit what you think, mate. Ha! Next!

Er...ooh.

"This play is almost completely without merit."

Oh.

"It is only Violet Nordstrom's savage and raw portrayal of the mother,

"an eminently watchable performance,

"which stops this being the worst play the student theatre has ever staged."

Well, that’s a good one anyway.

Are you looking at me cos I'm watchable?

What's the last one? Student Echo.

Oh, what do those morons have to say? Trudi Miller's verdict, four stars.

Finally.

Yes.

OK, so, everything that pisses you off about me.

Nothing is taboo. We get it all out and get over it, OK?

So, I'll go first to demonstrate.

So, under me I'm going to put, "Josie accidentally had sex with Baz."

And under you I’m gonna put, "Kingsley cheated on Josie with Heather."

Failed to break up with Heather because of family tragedy.

OK, whatever. Failed to break up with/cheated with Heather.

Just put Heather. Heather.

OK, good, now I can never have a go at you about it ever again. Got it?

I think this is good. Yes. We're handing in our weapons.

Exactly, so they can't hurt us any more.

OK, next I'm gonna put, "Josie hates it when Kingsley bangs on about music

"even though he knows she's not interested in it."

Your turn.

Kingsley hates it when Josie gets aggressive.

It's unnecessary and unattractive.

Yeah. Good one.

Come on, Howard. I just want to write to her and say thank you.

Do you have any idea what it feels like to be rejected by the majority

and then have one lone voice stand up for you?

To answer your questions respectively, yes and no.

And who's been eating my Shreddies?

"Shawcross rages against societal norms,

"in a voice that shifts easily from satire to poetry.

"'Reject the system' is her rallying cry."

You memorised it?

No, I didn't mean to. I just... I have a photographic memory for praise.

Look, if Miller's not on Google, it means she doesn't want to be found.

Where did you get that?

Oh, yeah. I've been radicalised.

By a T-shirt? By my new tutor.

Nicole Mauve. She's amazing.

You've got Mauve? I thought she was on sabbatical.

Mauve was on sabbatical writing her book. I read it. It basically changed my life.

Well, you can’t become a radical feminist by reading a book.

I've got a copy, if you want to read it.

Er... Sexual Objectification And Subordination.

I don't need to read it.

I'm already being persecuted by the press for my radical politics.

Fine. I'll give it to Howard, then. I'm holding my bowl.

I'll pop it down there for you.

Hello.

Kingsley failed to laugh

at Josie’s hilarious joke about over-the-counter decongestants.

I’m actually laughing now, just thinking about it.

Right, well, is that it? Anything else you need to tell me?

Are you done already?

I'm done. Aren't you?

What?

I fake orgasms.

What did you say?

Not always. Just sometimes.

And I thought I should say,

just in case we really do end up spending the rest of our lives together.

How much of the time?

I don’t know. Er...70 per cent?

70 per cent are genuine?

70 per cent are fake? I'll put 65.

Don't put it if it's not true.

Split the difference. 66.

Right, I think I'm done.

So, now everything on this piece of paper is officially forgotten about.

Whoo!

I'll get it!

Ah! Oh! Oh, Milly!

Milly?

Oh.

Everyone, this is Chris. Chris, everyone.

Well, I'm an English student but I’m also kind of an artist in my own right.

Yeah, but be careful what you say

or you might end up in her play as an illiterate sex pest.

Ha-ha-ha! Awesome. Ha-ha-ha!

What do you study?

Oh, erm...geology. Yeah.

I just started pharmacology.

Oh, study drugs?

Well, yeah, but...but nothing illegal.

Heh-heh! It’s all right, Jose. One thing you'll learn about me.

I fucking hate all that mum shit.

Oh, right. Great.

Ah. Feminist, yeah? My mum was a feminist in the '70s.

And that is why in the '90s we told feminism to go fuck itself.

Now, that’s radical.

I wouldn’t mind freshening up, actually, if that's cool.

I'll take you up. Great!

Why don’t I take you all out to the pub tomorrow night, yeah? My shout.

That is so cool.

My mum would never take us to the pub.

She'd take us somewhere really boring like Sadler's Wells or fucking Glyndebourne.

Yeah, well, I know what you guys like.

You will come to the pub, won't you? Don't just say yeah and then don’t come.

Yeah, you promise?

Oh, God.

What you reading?

Oh, yeah, I wasn’t...

Er... King Lear. I might audition.

Ah! More acting, eh?

Oh, you've seen the review. I'm officially savage and watchable.

Oh, I used to love acting. I was actually genuinely talented as well.

So, what are the young ones like?

Who? Your housemates.

Oh, right. Yeah, er...yeah, it's good.

I mean, I don’t know.

I thought they’d all be geeks and poshos, which they are.

But they're my geeks and poshos. I don't know.

JP's all right, though, isn't he? House hottie.

Don't even think about it.

What, you think I'm past it? No!

No, I...I mean, bit of a twat, isn't he?

He's not good enough for you. Anyway, what about Jim?

Oh, Jim Schmim. He gave up trying to control me a long time ago.

Do you think this might fit me?

I'm gonna have a hot, soapy shower, cos I'm really dirty.

OK. Hope there's a lock,

cos I would hate anyone to burst in when I'm completely naked.

Oh! Well...there is.

You...you just push the thing into the...

Yeah.

..a beautiful-looking glow from day one and advanced protection.

Our sun protection has never...

Morning, Howard.

What you watching? OK, I admit it.

I observed your buttocks as you went into the kitchen.

I meant on the telly. Oh.

Did you really? Erm...

I...

I feel I should apologise.

For watching my bum? The truth is,

I have objectified you on more than one occasion.

I see.

I mean, you are a sexually mature female

and, as a result, I just think it's my habitual reflex

to value you purely on the societal norms of physical attractiveness.

You read the book?

I was drawn into its murky world, yes.

My goodness, Howard! Do you realise what this means?

You're now officially a feminist.

Are you awake?

I thought maybe we could try something.

Yeah, like what?

OK, let me just... Bear with me.

Kingsley?

OK.

OK.

Lift up your nightie. OK, stop, look.

Your technique is not the problem.

If anything, it's the opposite.

What do you mean, the opposite?

You're too eager to please. You worry too much. That puts a lot of pressure on me.

So, you told me I was shit so I'd worry about it less?

I told you because you kept doing the things that would make me fake-come the first time,

and things, by the way, I don't actually like.

I didn't think you were gonna have a fucking crisis about it.

You didn't realise I'd have a crisis? God, Kingsley. Faking orgasms is so normal.

Every girl you've slept with has probably done it.

Oh, that makes it better! I did it with Baz. I did it with Dave all the time.

Did you do it with JP?

I... Probably. I can't remember.

Did you? I just said...

You can't lie. Don't lie. OK. Fine. Look, I didn't have to do it with JP, because it happened for real.

What, both times?

Multiple ti... Oh, no. Yeah, erm...both. Yes, both times.