What's Up, Doc?

at words poetic

I'm so pathetic

that I always have found it best

instead of getting it off my chest

to let 'em rest

unexpressed

I hate parading my serenading

as I'll probably miss a bar

but if this ditty is not so pretty

at least it'll tell you how great you are

you're the top

you're the colosseum

you're the top

mmm, you're the Louvre museum

you're a melody from a symphony

by Strauss

you're a bindle bonnet

a Shakespeare sonnet

you're Mickey Mouse

you're the Nile

you're the tower of Pisa

you're the smile

on theMona Lisa

I'm a worthless check

a total wreck

a flair

but if, baby, I'm the bottom

you're the top

you're the top

you're Mahatma Gandhi

you're the top

you are Napoleon Brandy

you're the purple light

of a summer night in Spain

you're the national gallery

you're Garbo's salary

you're cellophane

you are sublime

you're a turkey dinner

you're the time

the time of the derby winner

I'm a toy balloon

that is fated soon to

pop

but if, baby, I'm the bottom

you're the top

top

Flight 4 for New York now loading gate 7.

Flight 741 is now arriving at gate 8.

Taxi.

Follow that cab!

Howard!

Howard Bannister!

Howard, when I ask you to wait for me somewhere,

I expect you to stay there until I come back.

Yes, Eunice.

Now, it is difficult enough for me

To have to see to all these arrangements myself.

Yes, Eunice.

It is exactly 6:15.

If we reach the hotel in half an hour,

We'll have just enough time to get dressed for the banquet.

Yes, Eunice.

Put these in a taxi.

Yes, Eunice.

It's a beautiful city, isn't it, Howard?

I'd like to come here on our honeymoon.

Did you hear me, Howard?

I said I'd like to come here

On our honeymoon.

What? I thought you wanted to go to San Francisco

On your honeymoon.

Thisis San Francisco, Howard.

Of course it is.

Howard!

What are you trying to do, get yourself killed?!

Are you all right back there?

I hope nothing's broken.

It's just a bump, Howard. Don't overdramatize.

No, I mean my igneous rocks.

I hope they're not damaged.

I know how you feel, mister.

I hate it when my igneous rocks

Are even touched.

ja, miss, may I help you, please?

I was wondering if my friends were still here.

They're visiting from the New Hebrides,

And I believe they're in room 1717.

I'm sorry, but that room is vacant.

I don't understand.

They told me they would be in room 1717

At the hotel Crystal.

This is the Bristol, madam,

Not the Crystal.

Then one of us must be in the wrong hotel.

Ah, Mrs. Van Hoskins!

So nice to have you back with us.

Thank you, Hans.

Fritz.

What happened to Hans?

There is no Hans, Mrs. Van Hoskins.

There is only me--fritz.

Oh, what a shame!

Boy!

Franz, I'm gonna take this with me.

There are some things I need tonight.

Tomorrow, I want you to put it in the hotel safe for me.

It will be done, madam.

Room service, please.

Hi, room service. This is room 1717.

I'd like a double-thick roast beef sandwich,

Medium-rare on rye bread

With mustard on the top, mayonnaise on the bottom,

And a coffee hot fudge sundae,

With a large bottle of diet anything.

You got that?

Yeah, room 1717.

Oh, and, room service, would you put it

In the hall outside the door?

Don't bring it in or knock on the door

Because I'm putting my little one to sleep.

Right. Thank you.

I am miss Eunice burns, and this is my fiancé,

Dr. Howard Bannister.

We are here

For the congress of American musicologists convention.

Howard, go to the drugstore and get some aspirin.

I want you to be in shape for this evening.

Don't touch that.

They're my prepaleozoic tambula rocks.

Don't touch his rocks.

I will take care of those.

Howard, you go to the drugstore

And be back in my room in five minutes.

Right. Eunice?

Yes?

Why am I going to the drugstore?

Aspirin. Howard, get it with buffering added.

It's better for the stomach.

Front!|

Flat.

Sir?

Your bell is flat. It's half a tone off.

What's up, doc?

I beg your pardon?

We gotta stop meeting like this.

I think you're making a mistake.

You see, I just came in here for something for a headache.

You're gonna need an awful big glass of water

To get that down.

What?

Oh, no. You see, I'm a musicologist.

I was just testing this specimen for inherent tonal quality.

Uh-huh.

I have this theory

About early man's musical relationship

To igneous rock formations.

Uh-huh.

But I guess you're not really interested

In igneous rock formations.

Not as much as I am in the metamorphic

Or sedimentary rock categories.

I mean, I can take your igneous rocks

Or leave them.

I relate primarily to micas, quartz, feldspar.

You can keep your pyroxenes and magnetites,

As far as I'm concerned.

I forgot why I came in here.

Headache.

Oh, yes. Thank you. And good-bye.

Oh.

Was it something I said?

I beg your pardon?

Listen, what do you think I am?

A piece of ripe fruit

You can squeeze the juice out of and cast aside?

Miss, I think you're making a mistake.

Sure, that's all I am to you--a mistake,

A clerical error.

Forget you even know my name.

I don't know your name.

Judy Maxwell.

How do you do?

Could you let go of my hand?

I don't think so.

Aahh!

Oh! Look what happened.

Oh, dear.

Please don't help me.

I'm perfectly able to do this myself.

You gotta be more careful.

Did you know 3 of all fatal accidents

Happen in corner drugstores?

What's going on back there?

Uh, nothing.

We're just looking for a little aspirin.

Let me help you.

Don't help me.

Just go away.

OK.