The Local Stigmatic

- -

"I'm in with Hancox, the trainers."

"I'm in with Hancox, the trainers." That's what he said, right?

Look, Ray, he got me by the elbow.

See, Ray?

Messing about...

movir the flesh about on it.

I was just goir in. I had my three and six ready when he come up to me.

"I'm in with Hancox, the trainers, and I'll give you two.

Two for the third race. Come on. You'll just make it."

So I pulled out...

this inordinately large sum of money...

which he immediately grabbed, you see, Ray, and he'd give me two...

Hermosa of Selsdon as number one and Polish Otto.

Hermosa of Selsdon, Ray.

"Do it on the tote," he said. "Do it on the forecast."

So I went in and I shelled out 10 shillings on Hermosa of Selsdon...

and the other dog, right?

I come back outside again to see how the bettir was goir.

Hermosa of Selsdon is 10-1.

Ray, I don't know why...

this guy instilled faith in me, Ray.

I don't know why.

Anyway, the fanfares blew. They brought them out.

This fellow I went with said, "There's yours.

There's your dog... Hermosa of Selsdon."

So I looked at him. I swear to God, Ray, I looked back again...

they lengthened to fourteens.

I thought, "Everyone has gone mad." I said...

"Everyone has gone mad!"

Then you won't believe it. Ray, I'm watching the dog, right...

and they're marchir it around and back again.

And just as they're about to put the dog in its trap...

he stops dead in his tracks.

He tightens up, shivers, lowers his little ass...

and has the mother and father of all dumps right there.

Dog was 52 pounds as it was. After that lot shot through his glory hole, he was nearer 40.

- Wort make much difference. - Of course it does.

Ray, that's how to catch out those eggs in the ring.

Ray, they got their backs to the dogs and the dogs' psychology.

Anyway, the bell goes off.

The hare comes shootir out, sets off the trap.

- Some bloody egg behind me shouts, "They're off!" - I know.

I'll cut it short for you, Ray.

It was the dog Mystic Nora all the way.

Hermosa of Selsdon wasrt even in it.

Nowhere! Dead out! I just stared, Ray.

Ray, I just stared.

Then you won't believe this, Ray.

When they went down to the track to take the dog back...

it didn't wanna go.

It didn't want to go.

That's what really got me, Ray.

It didn't want to go.

I wanted to go down there and kick it to death, Ray.

I saw that dog for what it really was...

nothing but a dirty little whippet.

Dachshund on stilts, filthy little fart...

with a horsehair shirt to stop it from gassir everyone.

Yes.

I usually don't bother with the forecast, actually.

Usually double up on the favorites.

Very fair last Thursday, as a matter of fact, Graham.

I used to do the Duella pools sometimes on the off chance...

but they closed 'em down for the forecast betting.

I'm talking about last Saturday at Wandswon'th, Ray.

We're just leavir, right...

when this fellow I went with...

says to me, "What you gonna do about it?"

I said, "About what?"

He said, "About the guy who gave you the dog."

Ray, I'd completely forgotten about him.

So we go back up the stands into the bar.

There's the guy give us the dog.

He's sittir there with his back to us.

This fellow I went with, Ray, he's a bloody egg, in fact. You know what he did?

He takes a lit cigarette.

He walks up right behind the guy...

and he burns a hole right in the back of his jacket, just like that.

Then he taps him on the shoulder and says, "Hello."

The guys turns around, right?

He don't recognize us at first, but then he does.

He says, "Oh, hello, boys. Hello, hello. Have a drink."

The fellow I went with, Ray... Jimmy... he says...

"Two double scotches."

And he gets 'em. He gets 'em.

And then this guy I went with...

he grabs him and he says...

"I wonder if you could help me.

"I'm interested in recoupir certain losses made recently...

"in an ill-advised venture.

"And I got with me here this tin ofbandages...

"which I'm willir to sell.

"Matter of fact, I'll sell it so cheap...

it would be a pleasure to cut yourself."

- Heard that before. Huh. - Anyway...

this half-hard idiot that give us the dog...

he gradually catches on that he's being threatened...

and he shoots off his mouth.

We get thrown out. They wouldn't let us back in.

Oh, well, you had a good day. You shouldn't let it worry you.

Graham, you remember that time I was barred from the queer pub...

in Earl's Court for adjustir the vertical hold on the television set?

Yes, Ray.

That was ironical, wasrt it?

Barred from a queer pub for adjustir the vertical hold.

Yes.

Why don't you go unravel in the bath?

You're startir to sound like Auntie Daisy, you are, pushir out the dirt.

Bloody dog!

Bloody little animal!

- Oh, forget it. - I have forgotten it.

And you've forgotten about forgettir it as well.

Oh, yes.

Yes! Yes.

Yes.

- I don't know. - What?

You don't know what?

Got out of bed on the wrong side.

- It must have done. - I did.

Oh, did you?

Right, then. Right.

Right.

Sharon should come around.

- Bringing any food? - I didn't ask her to. I didn't give her any money.

I never pay for sex, Ray.

That's 'causeJesus Christ paid for our sins.

That's got nothing to do with it.

I like her, Ray.

I like her very much.

Let's give her a miss. Let's go up the West End.

Right, then.

What's the name of that place you got thrown out of? Let's go there.

The Earl of Strathmore... Strathcona. That's in Earl's Court.

Oh!

Close the bloody window.

"With railers drawn on the outside...

"and wide runners on the inside...

"tonight's heats of the Ben Truman Stakes at New Cross...

"present a really difficult assignment for punters...

"and I would not be at all surprised...

"to see more than a couple of shocks...

before the six for Saturday's finals are known."

What they wanna do that for? Balingaddy runs wide.

They should shove her on the outside.

That's a very pacy little hound.

Clocked 28:06 solo last Monday.

Remember? Why ain't they written it up? Here.

"She is also no stranger to New Cross...

"having won over the course and distance.

"And connections were wise to renew her associations with the circuit...

by giving her a 500-yard spin on Monday."

She'll be on big offer.

She won't be on a big offer at all. What'd you say that for?

She got Miss Vanilla and Spring Guest against her.

Half an hour's boredom and agony for a few seconds' pleasure.

- Ha. - If Sharon were here, she would say...

"That's like a lot of things, Ray,"

and leer at you.

I spared you that.

How bothered was I about being spared it?

- I don't know. It's all on the cards. - I don't see it.

It don't matter. I'm not goir that far with you.

You got Country. You got...

No? You got Taste.

They're not for perusing, those magazines.

"Wedding bells for Mervin Gloyer."

He'll marry the Queen Mother before that bitch.

I've seen him in action once.

- Witchery Snow. - Oh?

That's who. I talked with him.

- Did you? - He asked for you.

- Speak about me, did he? - I said they're not for perusing, those.

Is there a voice in back of me?

How's your wife and my three babies? Gettir fat?

Fame is the first disgrace.

Why? Man wants to know why fame is the first disgrace, Ray.

Why, everyone knows that.

Because God knows who you are.

God knows who you are.

I remember comir out of the pictures once with a fellow.

And we walked the whole way...

to Holborn Viaduct.

He didn't say a word.

Finally, he turns to me and says...

"Those Italians really know what life's about."

I could've kicked him in the crotch.

The last time I went to the pictures with you...

you said you went with some American.

And after you came out, he said...

"Some very poignant songs have come from the mines."

I could've cut his balls off too.

I remembered you sayir that.

Came from Pittsburgh, huh? I remember that.

- There aren't any bloody mines in Pittsburgh. - No, not in Pittsburgh, Ray.

No, no. But as far as I remember, Ray...

Pittsburgh is the center of the mining district in Pennsylvania.

I forced that out of him. Let's go have a drink.

- My nerves are bloody wound up. - I could drink you under a table.

- Have to be a small table. - You're gettir very kittenish.