Two Witches

OK, I'm done.

Honey, we want the red, right?

What?

The wine.

- We want the red, right? - You do. I can't.

Oh, yeah.

- Fuck, baby. I keep forgetting. - Hey, babe.

Man!

Alright, do we want Burgundy or Bordeaux?

I don't know, I don't... I don't really know much about wine, so...

Whatever sounds... good.

- Are you guys ready to order? - Hi.

Uh, can we get the...?

The Browy? The Broge...?

- (Waitress, French accent) The Brouilly. - The Brownie? Ha-ha!

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

It's impossible to say.

- Thank you. - (Waitress) I'll be right there.

You OK, pumpkin?

Sarah?

(Chanting evil mantra in foreign language)

Simon?

Simon?

Simon?

Honey?

Sarah?

Why are you doing this in the dark, baby?

I couldn't find the light.

It's right here.

- I wonder if she gave it to me. - What?

Something about her look. The way she looked at me.

Baby, come on. Don't go into this again.

If you didn't react like this, I wouldn't feel this bad.

You didn't get sick because some old lady looked at you.

You vomited because you're pregnant.

You're such a dick sometimes.

Look, let's just be happy, alright?

We're... we're having a baby.

I'm having a baby.

Jesus. Yeah, play that card.

She gave me the evil eye.

You're talking about the old bitch from the restaurant?

Yeah. Ever since then, I've been feeling, like, this sickness,

just, like, awful anxiety,

and seeing things in my sleep.

It makes perfect sense. You're expecting a child.

Of course you're gonna feel out of sorts.

Your mood's gonna be all over the place.

- Your brain's gonna be all fucked up. - No, no, you're not...

You're not listening.

You don't always have to explain everything.

You don't have to pretend you understand everything.

Because you know what? You don't. You don't know how I feel.

Alright, what's her address?

- What? - This old bitch from the restaurant.

Where does she live?

I'm gonna go to the restaurant, ask what her name is.

I'm gonna find her.

I'm going to murder her for you.

I'm going to rip both of her arms off and turn them into nunchuks,

wrap them around her throat, and then, er...

I'm going to demand that she stop giving out evil looks to my girl.

You're such a dork.

I'm serious.

I'll do whatever it takes to protect you.

Well, first you're gonna have to protect me from your friend Dustin.

- Come on, man. - Yeah, he's...

That guy is into some creepy shit, babe. You have to admit, he's, like...

Yeah!

Mel, check this out. It just came.

Look at these real horns.

Goat horns.

Yes, Dustin, those are real horns.

Babe, stop the car. Stop. Pull over.

Wow.

Hey, buddy.

You're a beautiful guy.

Or girl.

- You OK? - God!

Baby, I just saw a fucking coyote.

Oh, my God, it looked right at me.

What?

You OK?

I just saw a coyote. It was like this little, uh...

Uh...

Sort of like a...

It was like a fox, but...

Yeah, let's go.

Speaking of grandpas and aches and pains,

Dustin here used to have back problems.

But, thanks to me, he doesn't anymore.

It's true.

She is a healer. She is a genius.

She has... thousands of candles and plants.

I mean, like, where do I begin?

Uh... House Blessing, Kundalini Energy,

uh, Self-Love...

Like you need any more of that?

Well, yeah...

Hate Divider, Hate Separator,

Stool, like, Softener.

I've used it!

And, no, she's great. She's great. She's got...

What else does she have? She has Relaxation.

Hate Avoider, Love Fix.

- That one you might actually need. - (Dustin laughs)

- Thank you. - OK.

Hey, that one might be true, alright. But you guys don't need that one.

You look like you're two peas in a pod.

Well, it only takes once to knock a girl up, so...

Yes! Simon, I like her.

Maybe we can get her a Positivity candle.

Well, yeah...

Whatever. Like you believe in any of this stuff.

Simon is a skeptic. He doesn't believe in anything.

It's true. In college, we took a Catholicism class.

And he stands up on the first day mid-lecture and goes,

"Death is the end no more!"

And he slams his laptop down on the table,

- shattering it and walked out. - Oh, my God!

That was the biggest mistake of my life.

I was also on LSD at the time.

Alright, but, look...

how about a "Help Me Believe In This Bullshit" candle?

Oh, actually, that was my first candle.

Ah, yes it was, and I think you're referring to, Simon,

the Faith candle.

How about a "People Are Watching Me" candle?

- Simon... - (Melissa laughs)

Wait, what?

- Nothing. - No, what is he talking about?

Sarah is convinced that some old hag from the restaurant last week

has been... stalking her and, um, spooking her,

and staring at her.

Stop it. Can you just stop?

Wait, is he serious? Sarah? Is he serious?

I've just been feeling sick and... anxious.

-And... - You're being threatened?

- Yeah. - OK. I mean, come on, guys.

You're pregnant, baby!

- Yeah, that's what I was thinking. - You keep saying that.

Shut up! Seriously, shut the fuck up, both of you.

Sarah, listen...

I'm a professional. I am.

I do this for a living.

I've dealt with this kind of thing before, I can help you.

I make my money by healing people and keeping them safe.

There are a lot of jealous, evil, envious people out there.

And I'm not surprised.

You know what?

Let's bust out the board.

Yes!

Ouija board time. I got a board online. It's fucking awesome.

Let's take it on head-on, right?

It's not, like, a Ouija board, it's just a Ouija board.

- It's, like, you know... - And it's spelled with an 'O'.

So, how does this work?

It's called the ideomotor effect.

We're all gonna move it,

and we're gonna think somebody else did.

Idiot monitor what?

Ideomotor effect.

It's a subconscious movement based on prior expectations.

In other words... it's bullshit.

OK, let's all hold hands.

I want you all to focus on your candle.

This is your spirit.

It'll protect you from any ill will.

Remember that when we lift the veil to the spiritual world,

we need to seem united and strong.

And do not mock,

or invite anything from the beyond.

Am I understood?

Let's not forget our mission here.

It's to simply help Sarah get rid of this negative energy

and make her feel safe again.

OK. Let's have some fun.

Everybody put their hands on the planchette.

Spirit, if you're here, make yourself known.

Spirit, tell us the first letter of your name.

Sarah.

Why don't you say something?

Um...