Fresh Meat

I'm just off to my dentistry seminar.

I could do you a little scale and polish later, if you like.

OK.

So, what's on the cards today?

The 11:50 at Wincanton is looking pretty interesting.

Bring it on.

The thing is, you've been spending so much time on your music lately.

Song writing takes time, Heather. I'm not making lemonade here.

I'm making wine.

So, I put you down to play at the open mic night, tonight.

What the fuck? What?!

You'll come, won't you, JP?

Dude, I'll do better than come,

I'll join your fucking band right now.

No, thanks.

Mate, seriously, you can guitarisize and I'll be your hype man.

Hype man.

Yeah, you don't know.

I'm just checking, you're all OK for me to deploy the N-word?

No. I'm not.

Yeah but like in a friendly way? It's still a no.

JP. I'm not standing on the same stage as you.

Mate, why the frick not?

Because, you've got that whole James Blunt vibe going on.

What the hell is wrong with Blunters?

OK, that is enough.

So, I'm not allowed to drop the N-bomb in a friendly way

but it's alright for you to discriminate against me

because I'm posh? This is bullshit in extremis.

It's really sweet of you but I'm not ready to perform live yet.

Stop being such a fanny.

I'm not being a fanny.

That tuft on your face looks like a fanny.

It's not a tuft. It's a soul patch.

Hi, I'm back. God, what an eye-opener.

It's all about the bloody incisors.

I thought you were doing wisdoms?

It was both. We did both.

Yeah, Kingsley.

We are capable of simultaneously comprehending

two completely different teeth, you know. God, you're so judgemental.

Seriously, KD, what is your beef with Blunters?

It just feels really weird, lying to Kings.

You're not lying. You're just choosing not to tell him something

that happens to be temporarily true.

It's like telling your parents you're gay,

then two weeks later you're like,

"Oh, yeah, I've sorted everything out with the uni

"and now I'm straight again."

It's senseless. And as soon as I'm back on my course...

Josie, you're not coming back.

That's what they said about Jesus.

I just think trust is important. Me and the King.

'The King?'

We have a great relationship.

But if the trust goes, the intimacy goes and if the intimacy goes,

we're just two meat machines rubbing against each other. So...

It's embarrassing.

And I just don't want to deal with the whole thing

and all the questions, so just give me a couple of weeks.

Fine.

No, stop, stop, please.

Please not there, not there! Ow, ow, stop!

Do you reckon she's told him she fucked his dad yet?

Howard!

I'm getting a cab to the library if you want to hop in.

You know the deal, book caddy.

At your disposal.

This is my announcement - I am returning to Rotterdam.

I can no longer live like this.

You make too much noise and you accuse me

of burglarizing my own area and you are basically not good people.

All the best, yeah?

Um. Hugs?

Actually JP, I'm going to hang here for a bit.

If I strain my lumbar, I am small-claims-ing your arse.

Wow, Kingsley, that was... amazing.

What would you even call that kind of music?

I guess that's for the NME to decide.

"Oh, everything in its little pigeon-hole."

Look, you're clearly nervous

and I've just foisted this thing on you, I had no right to foist.

And the point is, if you don't want to play, you don't have to.

No... you were right.

I was being a fanny.

Well, this fanny is going to rip Manchester a new arsehole.

Jay-Paedo! Long time no see.

Hey, guys. How's shit?

Amazing. Have you heard about Cunty?

Bro's got fucking ME.

He's been signed off until next year.

He's got to have cognitive physiotherapy. Lucky prick.

Oh, yeah. I'd fucking love to have ME.

Yeah, I hear that. Actually, I meant to drop you a text.

Now that he's out the picture,

there's a vacancy in the Stowe-Aways.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I'm as serious as anus cancer.

I mean obviously you'd have to go through the formal application process.

We are talking about Manchester's premier social dining society.

You interested?

Mate. I am as interested as anus cancer.

I... I'm interested.

Thank you, Howard, for carrying out the lightest piece of my luggage.

Is there something you wish to say to me?

Mind how you go?

Essays coming back to you now.

They weren't as woeful as I was anticipating, so kudos for that.

In the style of that timeless literary creation Mr William Wonka,

you'll find attached to each essay, a golden ticket.

Said ticket entitles bearer to attend one poetry recital

by renowned New Formalist, John Frobisher,

on whom I just happen to be a leading scholar.

Attendance is not mandatory,

though much like the aforementioned Chocolate Factory,

you may find it to be at once magical and indeed nourishing.

I think sometimes they just don't "get" me.

Like Kingsley the other day,

said that my white trousers wouldn't look good on stage.

But I think white trousers would be great on stage,

because people can see you really clearly!

That is exactly why you need to join the Stowe-Aways.Yeah!

I'm desperate to get back on the Bantasaurus.

The three of us, back together.

It'll be like a Bermuda Triangle of banter.

Bro, you do realise there's a bit more to being

a Stowe-Away than banter?

Yeah, it's not just about going to a Chinese restaurant

and doing a shit in a pint glass.

It is partly about that.

Well, look, it's about being a Stowe boy. It's about solidarity.

You're posh, JP. You'll always be posh. It's in your DNA.

It's, it's like an ethnicity,

like being black or Hindu or fucking Jedi.

We are the minority. We have to stick together.

Posh pride, bro.

Yeah, I've got fucking gooseflesh, yo.

Now, before I can anoint you as the newest member of our elite

dining circle, I have just one question for you.

And that is this...

would you be willing to smoke a pipe of my pubes?

Yes, I would.

Pube me up, boys. Pube me up.

IDs ready please. IDs.

Fucking Shales.

He's trying to keep me out of some poetry thing,

I don't even want to go to. Well, guess what. I'm going.

You in?

I'm doing something with Dylan.

Oh, really? Would that be, telling him you shagged his dad?

I've tried. He's just so pure and innocent.

It's like trying to stamp on a puppy.

All you got to do is, go up to him and say,

"Oi, Oedipus, I fucked your dad and I used to have a weird

"girl-crush on your mum. Get over it."

Just so you know, Oedipus is nothing like that.

Maybe I'll take him out for lunch somewhere tomorrow.

Somewhere public... so he can't cry.

See, now you're thinking.

She was right. Look at us.

We are not good people.

Oh, shit. Here we go.

Um. I'd like to dedicate this song to Heather.

I love you, babe.

This is the Implodium Implodes.

So what did we think?

Yeah... It was really good.

I liked it.

Brilliant.

What the fuck were you doing with your neck?!

What?

You were like a fucking turtle!

What are you on about? No, I wasn't.

Erm... It was quite neck-heavy.

But what about the song?

It was quite hard to concentrate with all the neck business.

Oh, right. So basically I should just go backstage and hang myself?

I imagine hanging's going to be pretty tricky.

The amazing thing is, it actually tasted really great.

Oh, stupid cow!

Girl troubles?

My cousin.

It seems she's incapable of following basic instructions.

Sounds like the medical definition of terminal ball-ache.

Yeah. Oh, this is her.

Ca va? Bien et toi?

Ouais. Nous allons etre en retard. Mais t'etais ou?

J'ai pris le bus, comme tu m'as dit, le 520...

Shotgun!

Oh, hear he is. He's finally come out of his shell.

Yep, good one.

I heard it was really shit.

Oh, he's got good stuff, to be fair. You're just not a front man.

I don't suppose you'd fancy it?

What another band? And go through the whole A&R sausage factory

just to end up on the fucking hamster wheel

supporting Placebo around Benelux for six weeks? No, thanks.

You have one of the illest hype men in the whole of the North West

sitting next to you on the sofa, all you have to do is ask.

Ask Oregon.