American Dad!

Beware! For evil lurks within these woods!

I, your Pixie guide, welcome you, brave travelers,

Snotly Goldweaver,

Toshitus Wolfsbane,

Drew of Barrymore.

You must save the fair maiden from peril.

Oh, no!

Is peril like danger?!

Yes!

We've discussed this.

And it comes in the form

of a red lightning storm from the warlocks.

A home intruder.

You outrun the storm on your noble steeds.

And he's on horseback!

I always knew I'd have to kill a horse.

To the west, you hear a fair goblin maiden.

Help!

I'm imprisoned in an evil warlock's

Tower of Despair!

Save me!

Oh, my God, goblin chicks get me so hot.

What's going on down here?

Oh, hello, traveler!

Welcome to The Dark Kingdom of Smithurnia!

Pretty awesome, huh?

It's my Dungeons & Dragons masterpiece.

Steve, why do you make it so hard to love you?

I'll have you know, Mr. Smith,

your son is the best dungeon master around.

He brings the game to life by acting out every part!

You flatter me, Snotly!

Dude, she is into you!

Why don't you play with us, dad?

It's a really fun game.

This... This is not a game.

Baseball is a game.

And I'm trying to watch it upstairs.

Baseball's still around?

Is baseball the one with all the footballs?

Steve, Yoshi, Barney, Slimer,

just keep it quiet down here, okay?

So, how 'bout that goblin maiden?

Is she still... hot to trot?

No.

She's become too crestfallen for love.

Well, does she have a sister?

Yeah, she does, and she's even hotter.

But she has a latex allergy.

Do her anyway!

Pump and pray, bro!

Aah!

Time for the seventh-inning stretch

with Old Timey Ernie.

- Dad? - Shh.

I'm observing my favorite baseball tradition.

"Take Me Out to the Ball Game"

is basically my favorite song by Albert Von Tilzer,

right behind "I'm the Lonesomest Gal in Town,"

"Oh, How She Could Yakky Hacky Wicky Wacky Woo,"

"Honeyboy," "Chili Bean,"

"Put On Your Slippers and Fill Up Your Pipe,"

"Au Revoir, But Not Goodbye, Soldier Boy,"

and "My Cutie's Due at Two to Two."

Okay. Now you may bother me.

Check it out, Dad.

I made a Dungeons & Dragons

Your favorite game and my favorite game combined!

Into...

our favorite game?

- Never. - Come on, Dad!

Y-Your character is Bill the Shortstop!

He has max ratings in wisdom and turning double plays.

Just roll the die!

First, I'm going to roll my eyes.

You rolled an 18, so that's a sacrifice bunt!

- Cool, huh? - It's the exact opposite of cool.

So...

- hot? - Damn it!

Why does every temperature mean "good"?

My point is, why make a dumb dice game

when real baseball is happening right in front of you?

That's an ad for a dating service for Flat-Earthers.

Yes, but between the commercials is baseball.

As the world changes,

it's the one thing that stays the same.

It's been uniting fathers and sons

for a hundred years.

But you wouldn't understand, Steve.

You don't even have a son.

And there's Commissioner Mahotz

watching from his luxury box.

He cannot be happy about tonight's

record-low attendance.

Just look at all those fathers

sitting next to empty seats where their sons should be.

He's right.

It's the sons' fault.

You're someone's son, Steve.

Maybe you can tell me why our Little League field

was turned into a dog park.

That was actually a measure

presented to the voters last...

And I voted yes! The dogs need a place to go!

- Git! Git! - What's happening?

One minute till "Sex Hospital" starts!

Quick! Set everything up!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Hurry!

The cancer patients are gonna freak out

when they realize Dr. Gudreaux is

actually Nurse Tammy wearing his face skin!

I love this show's twists.

I never see 'em coming!

Hi, I'm "Sex Hospital" actor Jason Chapman.

And in our biggest plot twist ever,

we've been cancelled!

Now enjoy this rerun of "Maury" already in progress.

Help me, Maury! My daughter's a bitch!

Who's da bitch when you ate all the Otterpops?!

How could you betray me, "Sex Hospital"?!

Yaaah!

Aaaaah!

What will I do without my daily dose of drama?!

Francine, what would you say

if I told you that I could provide you

with soap-opera- caliber drama

right here in your very own home?

I'd say go get a broom and clean up all this shit.

And then do your thing!

My dad's never gonna be proud of me, no matter what I do.

My dad's not alive, but my mom says

he's super-disappointed looking down at me from heaven.

But I think he's super-disappointed

looking up at me from hell.

_

This is all interesting,

but how does it help me?

How does it help Barry get ahead?

Hey, kid! Throw it back!

That's my ex-wife's house, and I can't be within 75 feet!

Don't do it, kid!

He's just gonna give the ball to one of his whores!

I don't know if I can get it there,

but here goes nothing.

Oh my God!

Barry, what is it, boy? Is there trouble?

Mr. Smith...

you gotta go to the baseball field...

and see Steve!

My son's on the diamond?!

To the baseball field!

Steve?

Oh, my God! He's pitching!

Oh, it's just a Steve-shaped adult with a beautiful face.

Dad! I'm right here!

Son! You're technically part of baseball!

That's my boy out there, calling balls and strikes!

- My boy's out there, too. - Where?

Somewhere.

He was kidnapped 30 years ago.

I can still feel it in my heart that he's alive, though.

Sometimes you just got to take a break

from searching, you know?

Enjoy some baseball.

Well, back to it.

Stee-rike three!

Great call, son!

Does he need to be sitting here?

In your dream version of this,

where does the umpire's dad sit?

- In the stands? - Eat shit.

Steve, I just have to know.

- How did you become an umpire? - Time out!

I need to bring my dad up to speed.

Here goes nothing...

Oh, my God!

What a nerd!

No!

Now we can't finish our game!

Is there an umpire in the house?!

Steve, you learned all the baseball rules

to make your D&D game, right?

Turns out, being an umpire

is a lot like playing Dungeons & Dragons.

You just keep the game moving along,

and it doesn't hurt to be an amazing showman.