The Great Indian Family (द ग्रेट इंडियन फैमिली)

Mic check.

Background chatter.

THE GREAT INDIAN FAMILY

Okay. Ready.

Jai Kanhaiya Lal.

This is Balrampur - the king of Indian small towns...

And I am the king of Balrampur.

If they ever make a movie on my life... this will be its first shot.

Like in movies, in life too a back story is important.

And my back story begins with Newton uncle.

Uncle was asleep. An apple fell. Woke him up.

Uncle it's an apple! Wipe it and take a bite maybe? But no!

You woke up and made sure no kid anywhere could ever sleep again.

Eat Gravity, Sleep Gravity... I hate gravity!

He who knows it all - the scholar.

He who knows nothing - the Idiot.

And he who knows nothing... but knows how act like the know-it-all -

the Smarty Pants.

Aka Vedvyas Tripathi. Aka Billu. Aka... yours truly!

I too was sitting under a tree that day.

My life's theory was about to whack me in the head,

but I didn't know that yet...

because I was busy playing snakes and ladders.

It was my favourite game.

Can I play with you?

I couldn't believe my luck!

At 7:55, every morning

we caught a glimpse of Roll no. 23 - Ms. Aishwarya Malpani!

I may not know why that apple fell from the tree

but since the dawn of time, boys in rickshaws,

have fallen for girls in big cars.

My favourite game - had finally brought me sweet luck.

Look! We're together... in the same square.

I love snakes and ladders.

- It's my birthday today. - Happy...

Not here. Come home?

My dad's throwing a birthday party.

My dad's a businessman.

What does your dad do?

I just couldn't tell her that my father performed religious rituals for a living.

Praise to be Lord Shiva!

Praise to be Lord Ganesha!

Pandit Siyaram Tripathi.

The most respected of ancestral Hindu priests in Balrampur.

Be it a birth, wedding or a death, priests like him

were always in demand... and in command!

The man who was most jealous of him was Pandit Jagannath Mishra.

Pandit Jagannath Mishra aka a two faced charlatan.

To him religion was merely a business.

Dad was like a righteous sage...

and Mishra, his arch enemy - a charlatan.

And while they pretended to be friends...

a war between them was going to be inevitable.

The true saga of my fate was playing out over here.

This is Prabhu-Leela mansion.

It was once the name of my grandparents... now it's our address.

My grandparents, housed in these photos,

like most Indian ancestors are used to wilted flowers.

So this fresh flower garland must make them wonder -

what's the occasion bro?

I too had the same question.

Gunja?

Gunja Tripathi. My twin sister.

You know the tiniest snake on the snakes and ladders board? That's her.

Aunty! Billu's here.

Welcome home my child. Welcome!

Aunt's name was Sushila Kumari, but the town knew her as Agony Aunty.

You could go from being the apple of her eyes

to the agony of being the thorn in her side, in under 2 seconds!

You better set that right!

What's keeping you?!

Aunty, why do you never let me get ready!?

Hema Aunty!

Named after the belle of Bollywood - Hema Malini.

She was convinced she was as pretty.

Hema! Now!!!

Coming...

What's the ceremony for?

Didn't he tell you?

Who?

Uncle aka Balakram Tripathi.

He too thought he was hero in his own right.

As usual, his sweet tooth has made him forget the main program.

How come there's always a fly on your sweets Ramswaroop?

It all adds to the flavour, sir!

- You devil, you... - Should I pack a kilo each?

Nope. 3 kilos each. It's Billu's big day today!

Maybe even these flies have a sixth sense...

and knew what misfortune awaited me.

- Thread ceremony... - Your initiation.

Welcome to the 1st standard of becoming a priest!

It's a thick mop. It'll take some doing.

- What is this?! - You'll have to be tonsured no?

But I've to go to Aishwarya's birthday party.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AISHWARYA

Billu stop running?!

Get back here or I'll slap you silly!

I don't want to!

Where you off to kiddo?

Dad, can't I be initiated without a tonsure?

The other day Signor Mishra's son Tulsidas tried this same jibber-jabber.

One tight slap from Mishra and hair was gone in five minutes!

This isn't the Mishra household.

We're civilized.

If the child has questions we must answer them.

Right.

Democracy!

Dad's weapon of choice to settle all disputes. Democracy.

- Shall we begin? - Yes.

Now the whole family will vote on my ceremony.

Their decision will be final.

The motion brought before Home Parliament today

is if Billu should get tonsured or not?

The results are...

in favour of tonsuring... 1...

2...

3...

4...

5 a total of 6.

May you live long little one,

May you bring us fortune little son

This heart is abound with joy,

You're our moon, you're the sun

May you live long little one,

That's when I realized -

Life was playing a game of snakes and ladders with me.

I was the peg searching for ladders

and my family - the snakes pulling me down.

Put this on. Brother's already there.

He's said you will perform the rituals with us.

You're a priest now... let the rites begin!

I wasn't going to Aishwarya's party wearing this cap.

I figured I might as well don the loin cloth and go to this ritual ceremony.

Temple flags, flying high

A joy is in the air

Jai-Mata-Di!

Let's go see the lord,

Have no fear or no scare!

Brother says, the lord needs to see your heart not your clothes!

Take off your kurta.

Today, on Aishwarya's birthday...

...we offer this ceremony as wishes.

How would I know Aishwarya's father was so religious

that he's planned a prayer ceremony on his daughter's birthday party?!

Who does that man!

I was so embarrassed!

If you have the lord in your heart.

His devotional hymns have the power to make any dream come true.

It became clear to me that only God could help me.

Join me in this song to praise the Lord.

He had to rid me of my woes!

My heart was heavy... my mind raced

and suddenly a voice rose from deep within me.

Hear me O Creator

O father in the sky

Lost at sea, I am

the waves are rising high

You're my salvation, Lord,

If you be my rudder

if you hold my hand

I could find my way to your land

I could find my way to your land

I stand at your door,

Fill my empty cup with your grace

Hear me as I implore,

Turn my dark nights Into shiny days

A mesh of flaws I am, since the day I was born

Turn my faults into virtues that I can adorn

My soul is stuck in throes

Come rid me of my woes

I call out to you... Om, Om, Om, Om

I call out to you... Om, Om, Om, Om

Where are you... Om, Om, Om, Om.

Where are you... Om, Om, Om, Om.

I call out to you... Om, Om, Om, Om

When I opened my eyes I was hoping my life

and my serpent-like family would've changed.

I guess God has a twisted sense of humour.

Your child is a blessing Mr. Tripathi, a blessing!

Aishwarya, touch his feet and take his blessings!

Hey Lord!

So now you know my back story.

Sing my child... sing.

Since that day I've been singing ever since.

I now have God on speed-dial.

Jai Kanhaiya Lal.

From the ashes of Billu's broken dreams, "Bhajan Kumar" was born.

Greetings to one and all.

Bless us granny.

Please keep these kids away from the loudspeakers.

Are you ready... 3 Go!

Make us wait no more

Bhajan Kumar knocks at your door

Make us wait no more

Bhajan Kumar knocks at your door

Deliver us from all misgiving

Grant us high thinking

Bless us with simple living

Your followers all,

pray and bow