Big Time Adolescence

Monroe.

Monroe!

I know this seems bad,

but it's not entirely my fault.

It's his. - Yo.

Zeke was my sister's boyfriend.

I don't know if they called themselves that.

I mean, for all I know, he had other girlfriends in other houses

who babysat their little brothers.

But what was I gonna do? Kate was a big girl.

And I was not a big guy.

But Zeke never made me feel small.

You know, he didn't talk to me like my parents or teachers did.

He took me on rollercoasters, he took me to R-rated movies,

he let me taste beer.

He showed me a picture of a naked girl on his phone.

Adult stuff.

He was the man, and he made me feel like the man.

I could be an actor.

No, you're too ugly.

Yeah, but like, in a hot way like Steve Buscemi.

Oh, okay. Like Steve Buscemi.

- What, you don't think I could be an actor?

No, I didn't say that.

- All right, fine. Try me. Mo, tell me my dog died. Go ahead.

- What? Tell me my dog died.

- Your dog died. - No, like, break the news to me.

Like it's real.

Zeke, I'm really sorry to tell you this.

What?

- Your dog is dead. - Stop fuckin' lyin', man!

There's no way he's dead. Are you sure?

Are you sure?

This is insane. I was just with him yesterday.

He looked so healthy.

God! What the fuck?! - Jesus, Zeke!

- Eh? How about that? - Do me. Do me.

- All right, all right, all right. Here we go. All right.

Mo--

Monroe--

Your dog was hit by a car last night.

- What? He was killed.

- No. No, it's-- - I was driving the car.

I was shit-faced. It was against my better judgement.

All right, okay, he's 10. He's 10, Zeke.

Don't you start crying on me, bro.

Don't you start crying, 'cause then I'm gonna start crying.

What the F?!

- Eh? That was fun! All right, you go.

Yo. I didn't do-- I'm sorry. I--

- You're sorry? Why did you fuck her to begin with?

- I didn't fuck her. - You did fuck her!

- I absolutely did not. I just liked her photo.

- You're gonna fucking lie? You're gonna cheat on me and then--

- She used to be fat and she lost a bunch of weight.

And it's summer and she looks good,

so I liked the photo and I said, "Damn!"

I just-- I can't do it anymore.

I'm sorry! - I'm done. I can't do it anymore.

I'm sorry!

Come on! Come back!

Plea--? Ugh. Fuck.

Where you going?

You should go back inside.

Can I come with you?

- No, I don't think she would like that very much.

Please?

- She broke up with me, dude. It's not, you know... Sorry.

- Does this mean we can't be friends anymore?

- Don't you have friends your own age? I mean...

But you're way cooler.

This is true.

All right, hop in. We can hang for like an hour.

What are you doing? Get in the front.

- Oh, I'm not allowed to sit in the front because of the airbag.

Don't be weird.

Hey, Zeke!

The drive-thru lady knows your name?

- Hell yeah, little homie. - Sick!

- - Let's get the fuck outta here.

- Tonight? - I didn't know.

Wait. What time is it?

Hey. I'll see you guys later.

- - Where are you two going?

And why does he have to honk like that?

- Uh, we're just gonna go get some dinner and then watch the baseball game.

- Were you even gonna ask? - Um, please?

Why doesn't he come in to eat?

- Seriously, does he think we're hard of hearing?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You know what, I already made dinner and I don't want it to go to waste, so...

- Take that. And fork.

- Fork. Got it. Thanks. Love you, Mom.

- Hey, I thought we were gonna watch the game together.

Um, I mean, we never said that.

So, can I--? -

- Okay, cool. Thanks. Bye.

- It's amazing how, you know, you meet some kid--

some 16-year-old punk-- and you have no idea at the time

that he's gonna be parked in front of your house every day

for the rest of your goddamn life.

- You gotta jerk off before you go fuck a girl.

You know what I'm saying? Because if you don't,

you'll come really fast and she'll laugh at you, okay?

I jerked off before I picked you up.

Always, man. Gotta always be prepared.

I don't know where the fuck we're going tonight.

I made a decision. Okay.

I'm gonna be a talk show host.

- No way! Like Jimmy Kimmel or something? - Yeah.

- Yo, that's sick. You should do that. - Yeah.

- You should start a podcast. - Totally.

But, like, I should do that like talk show host thing, right?

- Yeah, definitely. - You can be, like, one of my guests.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Wait, seriously? - Yeah, they all have weird sidekicks.

Like Andy Richter or like that Guillermo guy.

- Thanks, man. - You're my Guillermo.

- A pyramid in Antarctica is weird. - That's some shit.

- Explain that shit. - It's from Alien vs. Predator , dude.

It's not real. - Listen to a Joe Rogan podcast, buddy.

There's shit goin' on.

- Look at this. - But I've got a tab open,

so if you guys want another-- - Hey!

Hey, I'm sorry about our friend.

Uh, we found him in a dumpster. He's a rescue.

Sorry. - It's okay.

Oh, don't worry, he got all of his shots though, so, he won't bite. He's chill.

- What about your puppy? - Who, Mo?

- Yeah, I mean, he looks a little young to be in here.

You look a little old to be in here.

Mo actually just got back from the army.

Yeah? Yeah, he was there for 16 years!

Let's not talk about it, yeah.

Anyway, he hasn't been laid in 16 years.

How crazy is that? - But, hey...

...to Mo. - To Mo.

- Welcome back, brother. - Yeah, man.

- Hoo-rah, right? Hoo-rah.

- Hey, may we all make it to heaven before the devil knows we're dead, baby!

Yeah! Cheers.

Wait. What does that mean?

- Like, we're sinners and-and-and bad motherfuckers and he's coming to

suck us back-- he wants us.

- Isn't that, like, a Buzz Frontier song? - Who wants us?

What did he do? What do we do?

Satan, motherfucker, wants us.

- In your fuckin' mouth. In your fuckin' mouth!

That's a home run. Hey, yo, Nick!

I got a home run! Yup, I got a home run.

Fuck yeah! - Okay, okay. Who's gonna drink it?

Uh, this motherfucker.

- What? What? Whoa, whoa, wait. Hold on, what's in that?

- Uh, what's in it? Uh, whiskey,

beer, orange juice, cough syrup,

and... Xanny bar.

- I don't know, man. I feel like he's gonna die

if he drinks this shit. I'll just do it.

- What? No! - Whoa! Hey!

- Fuck you! I can do it. - Fuck you.

Yeah, let the kid do it. Come on.

- I can at least try, bro. - Yeah.

All right. - I can do this probably.

- Oh, yo, I gotta put my song on. Hold on.

- - Damn.

- What, are you puttin' that thing through college, man?

Let's go. Drink up. Fuck. Come on.

Oh, damn.

Oh. Oh, shit.

Jesus. - My dude.

How you feel?

- Strong. Strong. All right.

Go ahead, strong man, hit me.

- Okay, yeah. You mean for real?

- Yeah, hit me as hard as you can. Okay.

- Hey, yo, if he pukes on any of this shit,

I'm gonna be so fucking furious, I swear to God.

Yo, fuck! -

Ha ha, pussy.

- Oh, hey, babe! - Hi!

- What up there? -

What are you guys doing? Oh, Mo just drank a home run.