Fresh Meat

Hey, Book-o? What's with all the books?

Exams are over, Booky Two Shoes.

There's no need to read. We've been freed.

I need to read some of Frobisher's stuff for work.

Fro-posher - that's the poet guy that you killed, right?

I didn't kill him.

I just happened to be the last person he went on a drink

and drugs bender with before his heart packed up.

Ugh!

Don't get me wrong. I think killing poets is a good thing.

What do you mean "for work"?

Shales is giving me some Cheddar

for the stuff Frobisher said the night we hung out.

Cool.

Only I can't remember what Frobisher said the night we hung out, cos we were totally fucked.

Right.

OK.

Downstairs.

Now!

This house is sinking.

But fear not, I'm building a life boat.

And it's women and caners first!

Tick and tick.

What's wrong with this place anyway?

Why move?

Well, for a start, it doesn't have a wine cellar.

And a wet room would be nice.

Sometimes you can hear other housemates wanking each other off.

What?

When it's quiet, you can.

The flush on the toilet isn't powerful enough.

My mattress makes a noise like I've farted.

Is that your mattress?

Look, we're coming towards the end of our contract, and I thought, why not just go in for an upgrade.

House 2.0.

Yeah, whatever you decide, then count me in!

Because I'll definitely want a room, because I'll definitely be here.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

I've nurtured you from young cubs. Now you're lions.

Such is the... circle of life.

Hakuna and indeed matata.

It was nice knowing yous.

Howard, you can't go - you're coming with us.

Am I?

Yes, you are.

Because we are like Marines and we never leave a man behind.

That would be nice.

Oh, that'll be Tony Shales.

Oh, that'll be Dylan.

Oh, this is weird.

Only it's not weird at all.

Because I've explained everything.

About coming round to see Vod.

I just meant it's a weird coincidence.

I agree with Tony. It's not weird at all.

So we should probably get out of each other's way.

Do you want a cup of tea, babe?

- Love one. - Yes, please.

Sorry. You said "babe" then, didn't you?

Sorry, I thought you were going to say "Professor",

as in "Professor Shales".

My mistake.

I was talking to Dylan. He's my babe.

I still love you.

Fuck off.

Frobisher's death has been amazing. It's totally re-energised my career.

I mean, I don't want to sound like I'm feasting on his corpse,

but I'm so in demand now.

My book's about to be reprinted, they want me on Front Row.

There's even a suggestion I might be on the Booker jury.

Jean hates me right now.

It's wonderful.

So you're making a bit of cash off it, then?

Yeah. Little bit.

Speaking of money, can I have my money?

There you go.

£200.

It's gone up.

- Since when? - Since you started talking about how well you're doing.

I'm not doing that well.

This is academia we're talking about.

It's gone up to 1,000.

I can give you... another 50?

Yeah, fine.

So, my publisher's waiting. What did he say?

What does the Red Lady stand for?

He said... it was symbolic of his cock.

Really.

Really?

Straight up.

Swear on my nan's life.

Unbelievable. That's unbelievable.

Yeah. I know. Isn't it?

Fertility, power, creation - that works.

That totally works.

Good.

Shit, I've got to completely rewrite my foreword.

And chapter five.

And chapter six. Oh, my God - chapter six!

So I went to check out that house,

and it was basically exactly the same as this except it smelt really weird.

So I thought... fuck it.

We're just going to stay here, but we'll upgrade it.

I've drawn up some plans.

My decks will go over there, mirror balls, optics,

stage for the erotic live shows.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to House 2.0.

Ignore the cocks - they're just decorative.

So, speaking of House 2.0, which could potentially be quite annoying,

I'm going to ask Heather to move in with us.

What with me. If that's all right with everyone.

No way, Jose.

Not a chance, Charles Dance.

Why not? What have you got against Heather?

You're a couple, I'm not living with a couple - they're very... coupley.

If you two are having breakfast, I have to get Oregon to come

downstairs with me, so I don't feel like Glenn the fucking Gooseberry.

And... I mean this like in a really nice way, erm,

she can be a little bit weird sometimes.

She's not weird. How is she... how is she weird?

Give me one example.

Well, like she says really weird stuff sometimes.

Like when she said we should paint the house purple

so we could know what it's like to live inside a bruise.

That's just her sense of humour. She's got a great sense of humour.

Everything she says sounds like a hipster joke.

Mate, she's a sarcastronaut and she rides an irono-cycle.

Whereas you're painfully earnest.

She's not right for you.

Fuck off, she's perfect for me.

So, sorry, what are you saying?

That I have to choose between you and my girlfriend?

No.

OK, well, fine. I choose Heather.

So fuck you!

Kingsley, come back... Kingsley.

Kingsley!

Look, it's fine, we don't need him, we can still stay together.

We just need someone to replace him. Could be Giles.

Could be Howard's weird psychopath boyfriend from the abattoir.

Could be... Sabine?

Would Sabine move back in?

I don't think she would.

She might, we could ask.

Howard, can you Skype Sabine and ask her

whether she's willing to move back in with us?

I will not be doing that.

Why not?

Because she has just sent me an email informing me

that she is pregnant and I am the father of her child.

Dylan, what the fuck are you doing here?!

I just came to say hi.

Well, you can't just come and say hi!

Well, why not?

Oh, my God - isn't it obvious?

No?

Because... it's rude.

It's rude to come and see you?

Yes! It feels like you're checking up on me.

I'm not checking up on you. I just came to say hi.

Well, great. You've said hi and you've checked up on me

and you've made sure your little songbird is in its cage.

So I think you should probably go

before I get really cross about this patronising bullshit.

OK. Can I have a kiss?

For fuck's sake... fine.

Oh, come on!

The landlord's given me the keys even though we're not moving in till autumn,

so we can move our stuff in whenever.

That is so cool!

Oh, my God!

I know. Right? That was my first reaction as well.

"Oh, my God!"

It's so small!

Yeah, I know! It's cute, isn't it?

The hallway is actually bigger than the flat.

Yeah! Not quite, but... yeah.

So... can I give you the tour?

Will it take long? Only kidding.

So... this is the bedroom area.

And then this is the cooking-slash-dining...

slash-living-slash-reception- slash-chillout area.

And that concludes our tour.

Oh, my God, it's going to be amazing. Like grown-ups.

I can sit here and... grow my beard

and we can get a microwave

and we can keep it really clean.

And we could get a cat.

No cat. It's too small for a cat. That would be cruel.

Thanks for popping in, Oregon.

So I've sorted the wording for the invites.

"Rhombus Press invites you to the launch

"of its first bi-annual collection of essays,

"Ian McEwan's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf..."

I saw my son kissing a girl earlier

and I damaged my corpuscle muscle

and it hurts.

Ah...

Leave him alone.

He's got a new girlfriend called Melissa