Fresh Meat

Are you sure you don't mind?

Oh no, no, of course not. Aw, thanks, babe.

We won't be late back.

It's just a couple of quiet pints down the local and an early night.

Yeah?

Yeah...

Get the fuck in here, bitch! It's tequila slammer time!

Come in.

Toilet seems fine now. Any problems,

just give the office a shout.

Oh, you all right, nutsack, what's happening?

How about a boys' night?

Woah, look at your room.

I thought you were leaving all your dad's stuff behind.

Yeah, I was. But then I changed my mind,

decided to salvage a few key items.

You know, family heirlooms.

So, boys' night?

You know. Pub. Sit in a corner.

Compare mobile phone talk plans.

What's this?

Ah, so you've, er, spotted my Hockney.

Little christening present from the man himself.

No way.

Yessa...

What is it? It's a baby, is it?

Sitting by a tree?

Dude. It's a man having a wank.

Oh... Yeah.

Clearly.

Why would he give you a picture of a man having a wank for a christening present?

Why would he not?

Ah.

You didn't invite "the lying Dutchwoman" did you?

What?

She who calls herself Sabine.

Do you mean... Sabine?

I thought she was in Rotterdam?

Who knows where she is?

Well, I don't think she's back yet.

And anyway, I didn't invite her. Because it's a boys' night!

Only boys allowed! Woah!

Yeah! Yeah! Boys' night!

Yeah!

I haven't been on a boys' night out for ages. Cheers, Kingsley.

I thought we were going to get fucking hooned and cause a ruckus.

Play a bit of cock or ball?

Cock or ball? Oh, it's great.

Basically we take it in turns to show a little slither of flesh

through our flies and then the others have to guess

whether it's shaft or scrot.

I'd be up for that.

It's not the same.

Why hasn't Heather texted back?

I don't know. Why would I know? It's been like five seconds.

Maybe she's on the toilet.

Oregon, fresh cock at six o'clock.

No. I'm taking a break from all that love stuff.

What? Why? Look at them.

They are pretty hot.

Kingsley!

I can't! I've got to keep my head down and focus on Jean and Rhombus

and not get distracted by men and their bullshit.

Woah. No sexism on the boys' night.

Oh, well. All the more for me.

OK. Let's think of all the girls that we know

and rate their norks on a scale of one to ten.

Ten. Nine.

Seven...

I can't walk in these bloody heels.

Josie, Josie!

What?

Come on. If you get there past nine you have to pay a fiver!

I'm coming, I'm coming.

I don't mind her having friends. But shouldn't I come first?

No. Yes.

OK, maybe not first. But we should be equal. Or am I wrong?

Yes. No.

I should text her again. Maybe she didn't get the first one.

No!

Maybe just let her get on with her night?

I want to remind her not to use an unlicensed cab.

You've told her once, she'll remember.

Maybe she hasn't called because she's met someone else.

Maybe you're really insecure.

Maybe we should get some Jagermeister!

Maybe she's just using you for a fuck buddy.

As though your penis is just some kind of pleasure stick,

an incredibly realistic vibrator

with an inconvenient human attachment.

Fucking Orange. Stop texting me, Orange.

Sure you don't want to change your mind?

Very sure.

I'm going outside.

And I may be some time.

Erm, does anyone want to hear some of my poetry?

Oh, fucking hell, this boys' night is bullshit!

I just feel like, once you decide to extract the tooth,

It's kind of like you're giving up.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God...

I'm sure it'll be fine. They'll be in the door...

just where you left them.

Fuck.

And you know what the worst thing is,

if the key was in the door...

You said the keys were in the door.

Like I said, if the keys were in the door...

Which they were. ..the insurance company won't pay.

You've got insurance? That's good!

I made everyone get it, just in case.

You left the keys in the door?

No! Shut up! Look it has to be a proper burglary.

It has to be not your fault.

Oh, shit.

Yeah. So, basically, I'm fucked.

Unless...

Hello?

Godverdomme.

The main things are my MacBook... and my camera.

Oh, my God! They've got all my photos.

From the whole of uni.

They're probably sitting somewhere now going through my whole life.

Probably posting my cool photos on their Facebook, pretending to be me.

Who always locks her room? And who consequently has had nothing stolen?

I don't lock my room, Sabine.

Officer, I think you should write this down,

it's probably an important clue.

If this is a routine burglary, right,

how come they didn't take my laptop?

Is there something in particular about your laptop, sir?

Is there... Ah.

How's about this for an answer...

I've added 16 gig to the motherboard?

And it's operating on Ubuntu.

Does that answer your question?

Hi... I've forgotten my key.

Are you OK, babe? What's happened?

'All my DVDs.'

iPod. iPad. iMac.

A miniature French carriage clock.

A solid set of silver German pickle forks. An Edwardian solitaire set.

A mother of pearl bookmark.

My David Hockney.

You do realise it's against the law to fabricate stolen goods

in order to claim off your insurance, sir?

It was just a sketch. It was only worth a couple of hundred.

What's it a sketch of?

It's a baby sitting by a tree.

Er, no, it's not.

It's of a man, having a - you know...

I'm pretty sure it's a baby. It was a Christening present.

OK, whatever. Just put down "abstract-baby-wanking picture".

You reckon it was worth Ј200?

Oh, dear, we clearly don't do art history lessons

at police academy, do we?

It's a David Hockney. I meant a couple of hundred thousand.

Anything else, sir?

Yeah.

Just one more thing.

They stole my dad.

Come on, babe, you can't still be in a mood.

I'm not in a mood.

Why do you think I'm in a mood?

Oh, God, get over it, Grandad. We had a girls' night out!

Why is she in our bed?

Babe! Josie didn't want to be on her own last night.

There's nothing weird about her sharing our bed. She's my friend!

Yeah, Kingsley, what's your problem?

My problem... My... problem is...

you two are meant to have some sort of important practical today,

and look at the state of you!

We're fine. We didn't even drink that much.

Did we, Josie?

Oh, God, oh, is that noise in my head?

You're not listening, Mummy.

I didn't lose Daddy.

He was stolen. By thieves.

Well, I don't know why!

Presumably to cut their speed with.

Who the fuck is that man?

Are you OK?

You do know we've been burgled?

Yeah, well, what are you all doing now? Oregon?

I'm going to the library.

Josie?

I've got a practical.

You. It has to be you.

Keep that man here till I come back down.

Do not let him leave this house.

It must be so difficult.

Oh, no, mate, it's easy.

You just, er, you just unscrew the socket head bolt

with an Allen key wrench.

And, erm, the blades have got like, erm, mounting lugs?

Er, so once they're engaged, you just tighten the socket head bolt.

Ta, mate.

Mounting lugs. Wow.

Ready?

I had a shower, but I think that I might still smell

like I've been on a bender. Do I?