What We Do in the Shadows

Cause precedes effect.

Effect leads to cause.

The future is fixed in exactly the same way as the past.

Yeah.

Get it, son.

Aah!

- -

-What the blazes? You've got to be kidding. -I didn't say anything.

-Please, just... -Shut up. I'm not talking to you, jogger man.

What was the name of that song?

- : "Come On Eileen." -Speak up.

"Come On Eileen."

-From when? -1982, maybe?

Like hell it was.

What is the great emergency? -Shush.

Someone has stolen oneof Laszlo's songs that he wrote.

-Did you really write "Come On Eileen"? -Yes, I did.

I wrote this melody in 1852.

It was called "Chum on Irene."

An ode to the local fishmonger's missus, Irene.

Charming lady. My darling, willyou tell him to turn that off?

-Silence this machine. -

I've been shit on from a great height.

- -And it's not the first time. -Tell them about

"For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."-I wrote that song.

"For IAm a Jolly Good Fellow."

That's what it was originally called.

I'm. Not he or she. I'm.

-Hello. -Greetings.

Is Nandor at home?

Maybe. Who are you?

I'm his familiar, Benjy Everett.

Nandor's gonna make me a vampire.

["You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing]

Such a wonderful surprise.

-It's... - : Benjy.

...Benjy.

-How long has it been? -40 years, Master.

40 years. Wow,

you haven't aged a bit.

Benjy was my familiar

for a time during the 1970s.

He was fine, but he was quite vocal

about his desire to become a vampire.

So irritating.

I couldn't take it anymore,

so I hypnotized him to forget about us here.

Then I left him

in a rest stop.

In Delaware.

Don't feel bad for me.

-I don't. -I've had an outstanding life.

Got to thank my missus for that.

-Paula saved me. She found me wandering around -Aw.

at a rest stop in Delaware,

high on drugs, talking ragtime.

She got me cleaned up.

Helped me land a job in the insurance game.

That's a fantastic industry.

But how did you find your way back here?

Paula got me to try Lumosity.

Keep the brain sharp.

This is a herb or elixir?

It's an app on the phone, Ma...-Shh. Let him talk.

It's an app on the phone.

After about a week on it, all these

memories came flooding back,

-Aw, shit. Mm. -Staten Island,

Nandor, Laszlo...

-Memories. -Nadja,

that Dilbert-looking guy?

Colin Robinson.

That's when I realized-- Nandor,

you son of a bitch.

You were testing me.

Yes.

I'm ready to be a vampire.

Congratulations.

But first, Benjy, you must rest.

Guillermo, show Benjy to the, uh,

-bigroom. -Oh, I know the way.

This place hasn't changed at all.

Ah! Here's another onethat was cruelly stolen from me.

Now sung in every schoolyard across the land.

But this is the original.

What I love about it is you wouldn't expect it

to rhyme "cream" with "cream."

My Laszlo has always

been quite musical.

It's true, I can play anything,

I don't give a monkey's.

Whether it's a three-way plunk box,

-Antoine Sax's metallic clarinet, Oh, yes.

-or the chimp grinder's wind piano. Mm.

But I'll tell you this, my luck changed

the night I met Nadja,

for she is an exquisite lyricist.

Guilty, Your Honor.

Send me down.

See?

Laszlo, I love this one. Shall we do it?

Hi.

What do you want? -That sounded great.

Have you ever thought of maybe performing live?

Kind of a "300 Years of Great Music"?

But no one has even heard most of these songs.

"Witches Are Snitches."

"Horse-Drawn Carriage Full of Ass."

"Wannabe."

If you want, I can put out some feelers.

Well, if you can sort out a concert, we might turn up.

I'll see what I can do, daddy-o.

-Rock on. -Yeah. -Okay.

Nothing unlocks anger and boredom

- -quite like old-timey music.

: I'm excited.

Wow.

Can you believe I slept in this closet

ten years?

That's my old pillow.

God, I used to beat off into that thing every night.

-Oh, not that pillow. -Definitely that one.

Same sheets, too.

Hey, can I come to the familiarmixer with you tonight?

-Yeah, sure. -My last chance to kick up my heels as a familiar

before they make me a vampire.

Thank you, Guillermo.

It's a lot livelier than I remember.

What?

-Freddy? Benjy Everett. -Benjy. Ah.

I guess these mixers started as a way for familiars

to network and exchange work techniques,

but it's mostly bitching.

And sad hookups.

My vampire let me drive here,

so if you need a ride anywhere,

-or if you just want to, like, sit and chat or... -Aw...

-whatever... -Is that Celeste?

-I'm gonna go say hi. -You know, you don't even have to do anything, you know.

So she was like, "Screw it,

I'm just gonna make you a vampire."

Did it hurt? -Yes. It did.

-Hey, Celeste. It did.

Hi!

-Elmo! -Guillermo.

-Hello. -

Celeste was a familiar that I used to help out

when she had too many bodies that she couldn't get rid of.

Her master was a 12-year-old girl.

She's been 12 for 150 years.

I'd say her job hasn't been easy.

She's paid her dues, and...

she's a vampire now.

I am so...

happy for her.

That's so cool that you are now a...

Are... Is that real...

blood?

I vape it. Delicious.

I mean, it's delicious to me, now that I'm a vampire,

-but you'd probably hate it. -Probably like it if I was.

No. It's not for you.

You'd be like...

Hey, you're still working for Nandor, right?

Uh, I've been there 11 years, so...

11 years?

Wow. Well, I'm not doing it like that.

I've promised all of my familiars that they'll be

vampires within eight months, maximum.

-Eight months? -I'm building

a vampire community.

We will have vampire music, vampire dance,

vampire origami,

-vampire maths. -Wow.

Are you fully staffed, or do...

Oh, I don't poach. Vampire code.

I mean, my door's always open.

But you have to be free and clear of your current master.

-So it's really up to you. -Celeste.

Sorry. This-this is Karen.

-Karen is, like, dying to meet you. -Hi, I'm Karen.

She's, like, a big fan.-I'm so interested in your work.-Dying to meet me.

-Dying to meet you. -Sorry. I know it's gonna

happen to me. I know I'm gonna be a vampire.

-I can feel it. It's gonna happen. -Wait, wait. Benjy. Benjy.

Benjy. Benjy. I think I'm up first,

'cause I've been around a lot longer than you.

-Okay. -You know.

-What? What's wrong? -Nothing.