The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause

Ho ho ho.

All right, class, if a reindeer leaves Elfsburg

flying west at 20 miles per hour,

and another reindeer flies east traveling at 50 miles per hour,

how many hours does it take for them to be 210 miles apart?

Um, anyone?

- Anyone? -

Trish.

How come we can't learn the things we want to?

- Like what? - Like...

Wasn't it weird when you married Santa and had to move to the Pole

and give up your old life?

Weirder than you can possibly imagine.

But then something so gigantic happened that it changed Santa and me forever.

Like what?

OK.

- - Baby Claus is on the way.

Ladies, keep up. Please, hot water and hot ointments.

You, think sugar plums. Do not panic!

- Do not panic! -

- Curtis, the baby's coming. - The baby's coming.

- Mrs. Claus, the baby's coming. - I know!

- -

- Deep breaths. - Oh, oh, oh! Whoa!

That's gonna leave a mark.

- - Aah!

Whoa!

Push.

Oh.

- Oh, oh, Scott. - Everything's gonna be all right.

- Where's Dr. Hismus? - Oh, oh, Scott.

- - I'm right here, babe.

I'm right here. It's all right.

Honey, I'm afraid it was a false alarm.

- - Again?

I stopped a pedicure for this?

Come here for a second. Come here.

Scott, come here. Come here, come here, come here.

- OK. -

Ready? Wait for the kick.

- He's a genius. - He?

She. She's brilliant like her mother

- with rhythm like her dad. - Yes. But not amazing timing.

I wish that the baby had come this afternoon,

or last week like we thought.

I'm going crazy. I mean, I'm really going crazy.

Eh, uh...

- You need a diversion. - No, no, Scott.

No more gifts. You already gave me a birthstone necklace,

- oven mitts, the cheese wheel. - This is not for you.

This is for the baby. I'll be back in a jiff.

Ho ho!

- Ho! -

- Ho! - That never gets old.

OK, now what do we have in the bag for a baby?

Well, oddly enough, we have a baby bag.

And inside that baby bag, let's see what it is... We have...

Oh.

Oh, Scott! Oh, honey, it's beautiful!

- The baby's gonna love it. - Yeah. It spins around like this.

- - Oh. Later. Come on in.

- Hey, doc. - Dr. Hismus, I'm glad you could come.

How are you today, Mrs. Claus?

I'm a little concerned because the baby hasn't come yet.

No need to worry, Mrs. Claus.

Santa! The production line has been set back so far behind

we need you on the floor.

I can't come down now. It's impossible.

Still mapping the sleigh route. Got plenty of work to do up here.

Have you even checked this list once?

- I have perused it. - Help me help you. Help me help you.

Let's start with your blood pressure, OK?

Help me help you help you help you help me

- help me help you. - Don't be nervous.

It'll be done before you know it.

Help you help me help you... Help me.

Help you.

One more thing.

The Council of Legendary Figures called a meeting.

I can't leave the Pole and go to a council meeting.

- They know. That's why they came here. - Here?

- Where? In the kitchen? - In the kitchen.

- Is there an echo in here? - OK, OK. You know what?

Sweetheart, I'm feeling much better.

I think that I'm going to go, uh, on a walk, which is great for the baby.

You stay here and have your blood pressure taken,

which is great, and I'm gonna go see what's down the hall.

Hi, ladies.

Honey?

Honey.

- Carol. - Anything I can do for you, ma'am?

No, thanks.

- Care for some company? - Not from you, Mr. Claus.

- Why not? - Because you can't spend time with me

and get the toys ready. I understand completely.

- You do? - Of course I do.

I just hope you're not delivering when I'm delivering.

I'm not gonna let that happen.

Carol, there's no way I could...

Nice chrome work, Lenny. That is so workin'!

- Thanks, Santa. - Yeah, baby, yeah.

All right.

Look, I know this is all a bit overwhelming to you,

but... Wait a minute. Stop.

Did you see this? Amazing technology.

Look at this. It's a duck. It quacks in three languages.

El ducko says "quacko."

Le duck says "quack. " Il duck-e say "quack-e."

Things can't help me right now, sweetheart.

- Hey, come back-e. - It's people that I need.

You know, family.

Ho ho ho ho! Family?

We are your family. Right, elves? We're her family, right?

We love you, Mrs. Claus.

Taller family.

Human family.

Oh, sweetheart, anything but the tears.

- I'm sorry. Thank you. - It's OK.

- - It's an impossible situation.

And if I didn't want to be with you so much, I would go home.

But I can't have it both ways.

I guess I just...

- - Wait a minute.

Hey. Maybe you can.

- I can what? - Have it both ways.

- How? - I can bring home here.

- You can? - You can?

Carol, I'm gonna bring your parents up here.

- My parents? - Her parents?

- - Elves!

Sir, the SOS.

- Excuse me? - SOS. Secret of Santa.

There could be dire consequences.

The possibilities increase exponentially that the closely-guarded secret of

the North Pole's true location could be compromised

and Christmas as we know it would cease to exist,

crushing the hopes and dreams of the world's children

and extinguishing the joy of Santa's magic forever!

There's that.

He has a point. My parents can't keep a secret.

Listen. Listen, honey, the reason you came up here was because of me.

I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make this right.

- You will? - Yeah.

Yes. Yeah, I will.

You know why? 'Cause what do they say about Santa?

- He delivers! - Yes!

How are you gonna pull it off?

My parents think you're a toymaker in Canada.

How am I gonna pull this off?

The answer is in the question. "How are we going to do this?

My dad thinks you're a toymaker in Canada."

- Canada? - Canada.

It's north, in North America, eh? Vinegar on their French fries,

they sit on their chesterfield to watch the hockey game.

Shoot the puck, daddy-o! Come on, everybody!

Elves, everybody listen up.

Grab your hammers, the in-laws are coming.

Hey, Robbie. Virgil, let me see your teeth.

That's good. Hiya, elves.

- Hi, Tooth Fairy. - Open up. Let me see.

- Aah. - Beautiful teeth.

Open the doors if you want to fall in love!

Hey, everybody, look, Cupid in the house.

Oh, work, work, work. That's nice to see.

- Hi, Cupid. - What'd I miss?

Where's fat boy?

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Cupid, what's up? Hey, EB.

- Santa. - Molarnator.

Um... Sandman.

Mother Nature, Father Time.

Merry Christmas, again. Good to see everyone.

Do you really think it's necessary to call an emergency council meeting?

I'm ready to ride the sleigh, know what I mean?

Santa, we thought you should see this.

Silver bells!

I found 270 of them at shopping malls

- scattered across the Northwest. - Ho ho ho.

I hereby call this special session of the

- Council of Legendary Figures to order. - This is ridiculous.

- Sandman! - I'm up, I'm up!

- Hey, Cupid, nice skirt. - Easter Bunny.

- - Our first and only order of business

is the disciplinary action to be taken against council member Jack Frost.

Now that's what I'm talking about.

- -

You love it. Am I right?

You guys finally woke up and are giving me my own holiday.

Frostmas, of course, is just a placeholder.

I'm wide open. Frostgiving, the Frost of July.

Frosthog Day. The possibilities are endless.

Jack, you are hereby charged with 273 counts

of attempted upstaging of Santa Claus.

You froze a volcano in Hawaii, you made it snow in the Amazon

and you frosted Mexico, sending all of the geese north for the winter.

You have violated the Legendary Figures code of conduct

in a manner that is both willful and malicious.

Excuse me. Did you just accuse me

- of being skillful and delicious? - Oh, please.

Guilty as charged.