Fresh Meat

Hey, Oregon.

I was just passing by and wondered whether you fancied a quick cuddle.

Hey, Vod.

I'm just going door to door and wondered whether...

Quick cuddle?

Christ on a bendy bus, JP.

Has it really come to this?

I'm just in a cuddling mood.

You know, when all you want is a cuddle with a nice girl.

Maybe lie your head down in her lap and cry into her pretty sundress.

All this over a girl.

And to think, you used to be a legend.

I am legend!

Not from where I'm stood.

Josie...

Quick cuddle?

OK!

Aww!

Josie.

Old reliable.

My sweet Welsh harbour.

He's Tunisian. You do know about Tunisia?

The Arab Spring et al.

Ooh! He's hot.

Well, that's not the issue. This isn't fucking Take Me Out.

He would clean up on Take Me Out.

Mm! Vod, do you even know what you're signing?

Yeah. The thing. Save the hot guy.

His name's Hasan and he's Tunisi... He's...

He can't pay his tuition fees,

so his visa's being revoked and he's being deported.

I would like to vehemently... abstain.

Well, I'm signing it, because I think he's hot,

because I think that's a perfectly valid reason.

Howard, d'you want a picture of my mum on a pyramid

with her hands on a man who isn't my dad?

No, thanks.

Er...

D'you need to talk to someone?

Cos if so, I could go and get someone else.

Like who?

This is some high-level mum shit.

Which one of you normals is going to understand that?

Kingsley? "Oh, my mum was a bit poorly so she got a free dog."

Vod...

..is that a hand grenade?

Oh! There she is.

I was wondering where that went.

And it is a grenade, is it?

And w-why have you got a grenade?

Oh, I stole it from the RAF base.

I've been saving it for a special occasion.

It's like a cigar or a nice bottle of Moet. Catch!

Lighten up!

God! Someone never grew up round live ammunition.

I made you a cup of tea.

On what grounds?

The normal grounds.

The grounds that you might like a cup of tea.

Diagnosis...

besotted.

Candice...

am I a legend?

How do you mean?

In the sense of me being a ledge? We're talking about legendosity here.

How would one quantify a given legend's legendosity?

A legend is the kind of guy

who rests his balls on another guy's face whilst he's asleep,

photographs himself doing it and then texts it to the other guy's mum.

Quick of wit, loud of voice.

He's always the first person with his arse out.

We're talking about the kind of guy

who walks into a crowded room and shouts,

"Hey, let's just fuck it all off and hire a barge!"

So... I ask you again, Candice -

am I a legend?

Well, have you done those things?

I've done two of those things.

Do you know what Mummy would say if she were here now?

Nothing.

She'd just slap her palm down on my thigh and I'd get it.

"Jonathan, you need to pull your ruddy socks up."

That's it. No more Sam.

I am restoring my legend.

Guys, I'm collecting signatures

on behalf of a Tunisian student who's being deported.

Boring! Oh. Y-You found something already?

No, it's just, you were saying the other day - I think it was Tuesday -

that you wanted to find a cause that you truly believe in...

We don't find our causes, Candice - our causes find us.

I popped out for a ham panini, and I came back with a life on my hands.

Oh, a big list of names?!

James Muttock? Wait till the powers that be

find that James Muttock has signed his name on a piece of paper!

It's called activism, Kingsley.

Oregon... you want to bring back The Vicar Of Dibley? Start a petition.

You want to change the world? Write a song.

OK. Write him a song.

Right now? You can't just order one.

Can you see any tiny pens? I'm not a branch of fucking Argos!

I'll tell you what I can see - the voice of your generation.

Yeah, I never said I was THE voice.

Done it. Burnt the lot.

Whoo!

It was like The Wicker Mum out there!

So how come I don't feel any better?

Yeah, it's weird. It's almost as though

barbecuing a load of Polaroids isn't a valid form of therapy.

Hey. Do we need anything?

Yeah, get some penne. Just take it out of the petty cash jar.

You've got a petty cash jar?

It's not a jar.

It's just a JD Sports mug with money in it.

Wo-ow, Mum and Dad.

Why not go the whole hog and buy a Citroen Xsara

and start wanking off over carpet samples?

OK. You know what, Vod?

Yeah, we do a joint shop.

Oh, how stupid of us!

We put our money together and we buy a four-tin multipack of tuna

for 20p more than three individual cans.

Ker-ching - tuna windfall.

I'm so tired of downplaying our relationship because we live with

a load of hollow-eyed fuckbots with intimacy issues.

Sorry, I have to write that down - that's a really good lyric.

Well, I have to dash.

"Fuckbots with intimacy issues."

That is such a good lyric.

You know what?

You're right. You should be happy.

Cos you have found the one person

that you want to sleep with for the rest of your whole entire life.

But, yeah.

Great lyric.

No, thanks.

Alison...

Um, I hate to be invited into your lovely movement

and then start throwing my weight around -

all 8.5 stone of it!

You're Oregon, aren't you?

Yes, I am. Hello!

I-I was just thinking. You know, it's just names.

Just names, names, names.

"Humphrey Horsebox." I'm not even sure that's a real name.

We need action. We need to do something massive, like -

I don't know - occupy the fucking university.

Yeah, as you know, it's something we've wanted to do for some time.

Well, maybe we just need to stop talking and follow your instincts.

I mean, they got us this far.

"Ca Plane Pour Moi" by Plastic Bertrand

Sorry. Can I help you?

Er, are you in a position to facilitate real change?

Sorry? We're gonna have to take that as a "no".

Everyone! We're now occupying this space

in protest of the university's proposed decision

to hand over our friend Hasan to UK border control by 6pm tonight.

We're not leaving till we've been assured he won't be deported.

Thank you, Alison. If I could just echo those sentiments but also say,

don't panic. This is a peaceful protest.

We're not bloody anarchists.

Er, I'm an anarchist.

He's an anarchist, but he is lovely.

So just to confirm,

once you've left the office you won't be allowed back in.

And thank you for listening. Any questions, my name's Oregon.

I don't bite, and... That's enough.

OK, I'm rambling. Thank you.

Check-a-check it out!

Four kilos of penne, bitch!

You were so right, Kingsley. Why are we hiding this?

We're not pissing about with little bags of penne any more.

We're in the wholesale game, baby.

My God, that's a lot of penne...

Apparently they do a six-kilo bag of penne at Costco.

We should defo go in on a membership.

Looks like penne tonight, then.

And the night after that.

And... good old penne the night after that.

I fucking love penne.

Do you know they used to call me Penne Zellweger?

And... line them up - tiny panpipes.

You must be Vod.

And you must be the headshrinker.

We're illegally occupying Senate House. It's fucking carnage down here.

Ocado password?

Roulette.

I always wanted to do a sit-in.

Stay up all night, talk shit, do a beer bong.

It's not a fucking sleepover.

Get marshmallows.

Make sure you tell Candice.

Candy! Oregon says she's doing a sit-in.

Ask Kingsley how he's getting on with the anthem.

Oregon wants to know how the anthem's coming.

It's not an anthem - it's a protest song.

Guthrie, early Dylan, mid-period Bragg.

He says it's not finished. I think he's struggling.

I'm not struggling!

He says he's not struggling. He says it's going really well.

I didn't say "really well". It's going OK.