You're the Worst

- Oh, no. Oh, my God. - What's wrong?

Oh... never mind.

I thought Lena Dunham's dog died.

Whew.

It's just my aunt's.

Whoa.

Heather's pregnant.

- Who? - Heather, she's pregnant.

Ha-ha.

- Holy shit. - Who's Heather?

Heather.

Yeah, I understand it's a name commonly given

to human women in the '80s,

but I have no idea who Heather is.

Heather.

Oh, my God.

- Ow! - How do you not know who Heather is?

Heather of "Heather, Gretchen, Bernadette, Justine, and Cory."

My main crew, my girls.

I've never heard of any of these people.

Heather used to work with Justine.

But not Tattoo Justine, Ecstasy Justine.

And Bernadette used to date Rose's boyfriend

when they were in that band together,

and then she started dating Rose.

And Cory was the bartender at Pistol

where we used to drink all the time

because they had great trance night and even better cocaine.

I've literally never heard any of those words from you before.

Except cocaine.

I can't believe she's pregnant again.

What a dummy.

I wonder how much abobos even cost these days.

I should offer to go with her.

We could get post-abobo Mani-pedis.

Oh, Gretchen, you don't need to pretend you have friends.

What? I have friends.

No, there's nothing wrong with not having friends.

I don't.

You don't have any friends?

Nope, friends are for babies.

Even my grandma has tons of friends.

You never outgrow the need to feel connected to people.

Nah, not me.

So if you're so close,

why haven't I met any of these "girls"?

I haven't seen 'em in a couple months.

Been super busy.

Yeah, with my dick.

Sorry, I've been doing a lot of online gaming.

I'm in a war with this autistic kid from Sweden

who keeps blocking me on Instagram.

Oh, you're on Instagram?

Yeah, mostly I just use it to stalk Vernon.

His photos are tragic.

Ooh, I want to see.

Did he get a selfie stick?

What the... ?

- What did you just do? - I accidentally liked his photo.

Oh, quick, uh, unlike it.

Goddamn it, woman!

I did it really fast.

I'm sure he didn't even notice.

Oh, my God!

Finally happened!

Sorry about that.

Yeah, so... turns out, you're gonna lose the leg.

Yes.

You're so lucky you live near water.

You live half a mile from the ocean.

Ugh, seagulls, sand dollars.

Fat people in blankets drinking orange soda.

No thanks, ocean.

Ooh, another dick pic.

And... forwarded.

Online dating is so fun.

Who are you forwarding them to?

This gay porn site pays me ten bucks a dick.

I have a job.

Look.

Ew, whose pee stick is that?

Heather, she got herself knocked up again.

You know, "Heather, Bernadette, Justine, Cory."

Oh, yeah.

I haven't seen those basic hos in a minute.

Probably 'cause you went into hiding on the west side

where no cool girls deign to go.

Well, I'm back in the real world and crushing this dick pic game.

Well, I'm glad.

I was a little worried about you after Paul left.

I'm not gonna lie.

It's hard when you reach over in the morning

and there's no one there

except for the sandwich you fell asleep eating.

You need closure from that nerd.

You know what? I'm gonna have a party.

Mmm. Reconnect with my girls, throw down old-school like we used to.

I've been looking to rub Paul's face

in how dope I look and how fun my life is.

Inviting him to a get-together

where I'm smooching some Tinder rando is a perfect way to do it.

It's not a "get-together," it's a party.

My girls don't do "get-togethers."

Par-tay.

Par-tay...

Excuse me!

You dropped something!

No, it's more to the left.

I really think

Lindsay is beginning to consider me, you know?

- Sexually. - Ugh.

I was wondering if I should make a move.

That's a terrible idea.

That's exactly what I thought, because she's still married.

That's not what I meant.

I mean, I come from a family of honor.

Well, directly, I come from a family

of home invaders, identity thieves

and, in my Uncle Xavier's case, the butt-stabber of San Pasqual.

But my lineage is one of honor,

and so to clean the deck ethically,

I'm gonna ask Paul for permission to pursue his wife.

Please videotape that exchange.

That way, I'll be free to put the moves on Lindsay

at our party.

What party?

Gretchen's throwing a party for her girls.

I never agreed to a party.

We proxy-voted you.

You lost two-to-one.

Wait, if you didn't know about the party,

why'd you think we bought all this alcohol?

Oh, great, now I have to go back to the store for my stuff.

Edgar.

How nice of you to visit my little backyard Shangri-la.

Wh-Whose house is this?

My biking buddy Connor.

His wife Mimi died recently,

and I wanted to make sure he wasn't alone.

What happened?

Recumbent bikes have many good qualities,

but they're sometimes hard to see from up high.

Oh, no.

The driver of the semi never knew she was there.

Poor thing was dragged three miles.

You've never seen Connor pedal so fast.

He kept motioning frantically for the truck to stop,

but the driver thought he wanted him to honk.

She was actually alive until the semi got on the freeway.

Well, that's the most terrible story...

Sad thing is, Mimi didn't want to go out that day

because her safety flag had been stolen outside the junior high.

But Connor told her they could stop at the bike store

after they raced to Starbucks for tea.

Uh, please give my condolences to Con...

The really sad thing is that Connor wanted to let Mimi win

because her impetigo had been flaring up again.

That's the only reason she reached the intersection first.

I don't need to hear every...

The extra sad thing is, the whole time she was being dragged

towards the on-ramp, she was texting Connor.

Her phone still accessible in its holder

on the handlebars, you see?

I saw the texts.

They're quite chilling.

You had something you wanted to talk about?

Yeah, I have to be up front with you.

I'm gonna go after your woman.

Please don't go after Amy.

Oh, uh, no.

- Lindsay. - Oh.

Well... I'm actually glad to hear she's moving on.

Now I can move Amy out of the Days Inn.

Then it's a win-win.

Few of those in this world.

Tea time's always hardest for Connor.

My date tonight is everything Paul isn't.

He's tall, he's thin, he's dumb.

Look.

And he's fun, too.

He spells "titties" with a "Z."

You're so getting murdered.

I know.

Hello.

Um, excuse me.

Excu...

Hello.

Can you read?

Why is Killian bartending?

Oh, while I was unloading the car, he snuck up on me

and said that things were scary

because his parents were taking some time apart.

Then he asked if we were having a party.

He caught me at a weak moment.

So you put him to work?

What?

I'm supposed to just let him mingle at an adult gathering?

Good point.

I am so stoked for you to meet my girls!

- Ugh. - They're super hard-core.