Roommate Wanted

I'm Janie.

This is me beating the shit out of my slutty roommate.

I'm Dee.

I bet you are wondering why this crazy bitch

is hitting my face.

First, let's rewind a bit.

Jane Garber? Dr. Hoffman will see you now.

Thank you.

Here.

Your transcripts are virtually flawless.

Semester brought in Ghana.

Most commendable.

Volunteering from PETA since the age of...

thirteen?

You can't really just get a scholarship to Stansbury

just a GPA alone.

All of your students here embodied perfection,

and I'm here to tell you that I'm capable of more.

Well, you certainly on the right track,

but let me stop you right there.

I have many perspective students to meet today

and only a handful of scholarships to sign.

So, in order to get the best sense of who you are

and whether you are worthy such a coveted honor,

I'm going to ask you only one question.

What do you believe in?

Spiritually or politically, Sir?

I mean, what do you believe in.

It is an open ended question.

With no wrong or right answer.

Tell me who you are.

Okay, um..

I could tell you that

I believe in the foundation of Buddhism,

but I just really like the peaceful message that it embodies.

I could tell you that

I believe in the healing power of music.

But that's not really true.

I just like the sound of my violin makes when I press my bow to it.

I believe genuine hard work really pays off

and that you can't actually accomplished anything in this world

without passion.

You need to travel really far

and a lot, as often as possible.

It's fuel to your soul.

Clichés statement like the ones I just said

are clichés because they founded in truth,

and whoever came up with the word 'cliché'

was just too lazy to put those statement to the tasks.

Physical beauty, and money, confidence,

That will get you really far,

but that won't actually fill the hole in your heart.

And I think a great way to build character is

to meet characters.

I belong at Stansbury.

It is deeply rooted in me,

and it's something I've felt strongly about a really long time.

And I know that sounds extremely cliché, but...

I think that's what I believe in.

Clichés.

Thank you. Have a good day.

Hey, Dee.

- Hi. - How's the modeling going?

Great.

- It's awesome. - Yeah.

Bye.

Yes.

Shit.

It's my roommate. Get off.

I thought you were at the massage place all day.

- Well... - I'll text you about tonight.

- Sweet. - That's like the third time this week.

- Seriously? - I know. I know. I'm so sorry.

I will make it up to you. He's a club promoter

during Cinco de Mayo theme rage in the Social tonight.

You wanna come with?

- No thanks. - Really?

I thought you were like Latin American.

No, I said I was part Native American.

Champagne? Does this mean what I think it's means?

- Actually... - I look like

the Bukkake Bride of Frankenstein.

Hold that thought real quick play for a sec.

Two minutes.

Can't wait to share the news!

Gross.

Sorry. I had to moisturize.

Okay, girl, so let's hear about your big interview.

Did you get the full ride to Stanford?

It's Stansbury.

Yeah.

I'm still waiting the official green light,

but the dean of admissions said I should be expecting

a very important phone call around 1 PM.

OMG. How are you like not stressing?

- It's noon thirty. - I am.

I just... there's nothing really I can do about it.

My life is about to change drastically, for better or worse,

- in the next 30 minutes. - For the better.

Definitely for the better. I'm tweeting this.

- Should we have some champagne? - No, not until you know.

How about one of my famous banana peach smoothie in the meantime?

Yeah. That sounds good, as long as it's vegan.

Oh yeah, don't worry. I'll use non-fat milk.

Besides, I'm practically vegan myself.

I don't eat fish.

I seriously can't tell whether you're joking or not.

What did you do in the fridge?

Oh, thanks for noticing.

I couldn't really seem to find a few of my thing yesterday,

so I figure it would be easier if we label to what is who.

I put gold stars on yours, and red stars on mine.

Alright. Well, you can totally

help yourself to any of my food anytime.

Not just my food. Anything of mine, really,

even my clothes.

Thanks.

It's just that soy cheese costs like 9 dollars at Whole Foods.

That was soy?

Gross.

Another one of your fish died.

Oh bummer.

Well, he had a good run.

You really should clean this thing out once in a while.

No need. That's what little sacred fish guys are for.

Do it really seem safe to you

putting this big tank on this tiny table behind the couch?

Yeah.

Kind of makes me nervous.

What doesn't makes you nervous?

I dont know. It's just kind of seems like you don't really care about the fish.

I don't.

It was a gift from Frank, the Mongolian.

I dated him for about 10 minutes.

He owns an aquarium business.

The tank turned out to be a bigger wasted space than he was.

I dont know. I like fishes. I think they're calming.

I mean your snake however, not so much.

Who? My big sexy Fernando?

He's harmless.

Only bite if you got fur and a tail.

I worked with his scaly ass since I've modeling gig for AE in the last summer.

Speaking of which, I haven't fed him for like a month.

- Wait. - What?

What is that for?

Instagram, Facebook, Twitter.

Which reminds me you still haven't accepted

my friend request and you still not following me.

Okay, I hardly even checked that thing,

and I don't have a Twitter.

Cheers.

To your future.

What about your future?

Well, when I find Mr rich, hunk, tall, dark-haired and handsome,

in that order, we can cheers to me.

- It's Joe. - Again?

Don't you dare answer that.

Maybe I can just tell him to stop calling me.

Don't pick up. Trust me. You don't need that creeper in your life.

Let him get one word, and before you know it,

you'll be swapping your violin with his scary flute.

Okay, I pushed 'ignore'.

Good girl. You'll thank me for it one day.

But speaking of violin, I think I should get some practice a little.

Janie, leave your phone.

Pussy!

Good girl.

- Hey, blue jay. - What do you want?

You, back in my life.

Last two weeks felt like two years .

Let me come over and apologize in person.

Joe, I'm gonna have to call you back.

Hey, wait.

Hello?

Hi, this is Janie.

Yes.

Stansbury!

What does it say?

would officially like to offer you

our maximum scholarships available at this time .

This includes half of all tuition,

- pay up to three years - I'm sorry .

Did you said half tuition paid?

I thought it was the maximum.

That is correct, Miss Garber,

but with the recent state budget cuts

we've been forced to endure massive cut back,

especially in the education sector.

Half scholarships are the best we can currently offer,

with a few small exceptions for athletes.

I don't play any sport.

Miss Garber,

This is the best offer we can make.

It's quite an achievement on your part.

That's not good enough.

Miss Garber, I'm not quite sure where you're going with this.

- I can't... - I'm saying thank you,

Mr. Garber. Hoffman.

This is have been the life I've dreamt . I'm super jazzed up about it.

I mean, very excited. I mean, super excited.