Resident Alien

‐ Previously on "Resident Alien"... ‐ I need to go home.

You're taking me home, right?

Harry, you can't fix it.

I have to. If I do not, I am stuck here.

If someone sees this,

then things will get worse for you.

‐ What's that? ‐ A survival kit.

Botulinum is injectable.

Maybe all he or she would need to do is inject a toxin

into a single insulin vial.

Both the boot and the foot were found in the same area.

What if they fought inside,

and then Harry threw dead foot guy

through the front doors?

And I throw you in the lake.

Looks like we might have a new prime suspect.

You didn't complete your mission.

They'll just send someone else to kill everyone for you.

Everyone, including Asta?

She's a human, so yes.

This cannot happen.

Hello?

Asta?

Hello?

Asta?

Where is everybody?

Asta?

D'arcy?

Ahh!

D'arcy. What happened to you?

You...

Sorry‐‐you let me die.

You let us all die, big bummer.

Asta.

Way too late for her.

No, not Asta.

She's dead because of you.

I have to help her.

Help her what, get a better burial site?

Come on, I mean, she's at the top of the hill.

It's as good as you can get.

I'm down by the pond and geese.

I'll just say that.

So feeling bad yet?

'Cause you should.

‐ I have to save her. Asta!

Asta, Asta!

Asta!

Scary.

‐ I did some digging.

In 2015 and '16, Dr. Vanderspeigle was working

at St. Helens Hospital in New York,

so I left a message, to get some background on him.

‐ Hold on. What is this I'm seeing?

‐ Did he come out?

‐ No, it's like some kind of hawk in a tree

over there ripping apart a mouse or some shit.

It is nasty.

Mother Nature takes no prisoners, Deputy.

‐ Can I look? ‐ That's a no‐go.

What if he comes out and kills somebody during the handoff?

Go ahead and twizzle me.

Okay, all right.

Here comes our not‐so‐good doctor right now.

What's he doing with all them buckets of dirt?

That's a lot of dirt right there.

‐ Maybe he's burying something under the cellar,

or someone.

‐ Man, that's enough dirt for like five adults,

or maybe three adult bodies, and five children,

and maybe two jockeys.

Speaking of jockeys,

when was the last time you saw Todd Campbell?

‐ My dentist? ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Are you suggesting he's a jockey?

‐ Well, the man's short, he's bowlegged,

and he wears stripes.

That's a goddamn jockey.

Why you want him drilling in your damn teeth

I'll never know.

‐ Summertime. My people love the cold.

But this body certainly prefers these warm days.

The smell of flowers,

the sound of bugs rubbing their legs together

for mating season.

It is more peaceful.

‐ Whoo! ‐ Yeah!

‐ Ah, whoo!

‐ Whoo!

‐ Yeah, baby!

‐ I hate this place.

‐ Are you looking for a better place to go this summer?

Hi, I'm Mayor Mitch.

Summer's just around the corner,

and I can't wait to welcome you to Jessup, Colorado,

the safest town around.

Come taste our world‐famous mountain spring water.

We have the most pristine lakes in Colorado,

perfect for boating and swimming,

and if you love fishing,

we have five varieties of trout

and zero varieties of dead human feet.

When people disappear in Jessup,

it's in our world‐famous corn maze,

so if you're out of patience,

and you just want to have some fun, come visit us.

'Cause here in Jessup the only murder you'll see is onstage

at our summer Shakespeare festival.

‐ Cool.

I'm just gonna put some cyanide in my coffee and call it a day.

‐ This is pathetic.

You've been digging for a week.

You wouldn't have to do any of this

if you had just gone home like you were supposed to.

‐ I could not go home with that kid on board.

I could never get him past customs.

‐ Yeah, that's why there's an eject button.

That kid's body should have

been a shooting star over Texas.

‐ You don't know anything about space.

You are a Colorado octopus.

‐ Is that where we are? Shit.

I thought this was India. That is an Indian rug.

You are appropriating their culture.

That's not a good look, man.

‐ I saw it at a red tag sale for $5.

I had to buy it.

Plus, I think it really brings the room together.

‐ Listen to you.

you‐‐that's a great price, by the way.

You're becoming one of them. Look how human you are.

You're even vulnerable to your own people's attack.

‐ I am not because I will cut a hole in your octopus body

and wear you as a protective octo‐suit

when they come to eradicate all human life.

‐ Wow, is this how you treat a house guest?

Then I'm glad I didn't get you a gift.

‐ Who has touched this?

That little shit bucket.

Okay, little dickhead. Play with my alien technology.

You deserve what's going to happen to you.

‐ Oh, oh, wow. Whoa, whoa.

Whoa! Whoa.

‐ With my people coming to kill everyone on Earth,

I will need a bunker to survive.

I will fix it up and present it

to Asta as her new home.

We will live,

and all the beer‐drinking douchebags can fry.

‐ Have a good day. ‐ Thanks. ‐ Oh, Ben. ‐ Yeah?

‐ Are you serious? She cannot be the new doctor.

‐ Dr. Smallwood is a wonderful physician.

You know, she was part of the first stream of women

to graduate from Harvard medical school.

‐ Yeah, in the 1940s.

‐ Years of experience.

‐ Are you the little girl with the broken arm?

‐ No, I'm still the nurse.

Your patient is down that hallway.

‐ Thank you, dear.

‐ Hello there, Dr. Smallwood. It's nice to see you again.

‐ Hello, I know a Hawthorne when I see one.

‐ Ah, top of her game, as always.

‐ Send my best to your twin brother, the mayor.

Tell him I think he's doing a dynamite job.

‐ I will do that.

‐ Can you please tell Dr. Ethan to come back?

‐ He texted me.

There was a family emergency. He can't come back.

‐ What am I supposed to do? I'm here all alone.

‐ She's very experienced. ‐ Asta, Asta, come on.

Let's go. Time's a‐wasting.

‐ Sorry, D'arce. I can't leave.

Dr. Smallwood just started, and it's pretty rough.

‐ Dr. Smallwood? What are you talking about?

She's been dead for like 30 years.

‐ Hello.

‐ Oh, God, ghost. ‐ I just saw your brother.

‐ Look, it'll be fine. Ellen's here.

Please go enjoy your day off, okay?

Mayor's orders.

‐ Yeah, let's get the heck out of here before she starts

crawling around on the ceiling on all fours.

Come on. ‐ Okay, okay.

I'll get my things.

‐ Have you‐‐is it supposed to rain tomorrow still?

‐ Why are you acting so weird?

‐ What? ‐ Oh, my God.

Are you uncomfortable because you kissed me last week?

‐ Wow, just gonna shout that in public.

That's wonderful.

It was actually you who kissed me.

‐ Oh, no siree, no. That's not how it went down.

‐ It is how it went down. ‐ You want me to reenact it?

‐ Look, I'll be you, you be me, and I'll kiss you.

grab your butt, and show you how you did it.

Come on. Come on over here.

‐ No, no. ‐ I'll demonstrate.

‐ Very funny. ‐ That's how you were.

‐ Not gonna happen. ‐ You were like‐‐